Correction: Celebrity Chef Alton Brown is the Other Twitter Hero We Need Today

Well, readers, it turns out Michelle Yeoh, our badass sword-wielding heroine, isn't the only election day savior in our midst this year. Last night, longtime Food Network host, Alton Brown, blessed us with a gloriously catastrophic Twitter thread, embodying the incredibly relatable rage many of us are harboring this Election Day. 

At first, the Good Eats host started innocently enough, offering some words of culinary reassurance in these trying times to his 4.4 million Twitter followers. "No matter what happens tomorrow, we'll still have tiny chocolate doughnuts." he wrote. Wholesome right? Who doesn't love chocolate mini donuts?

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Yet a few moments later, Brown tweeted another election-eve craving, this time, a little edgier, aimed at the 18+ crowd. "I'm seriously thinking about @LittleDebbie #NuttyBars and cigarettes. Honestly, like at the same time," he wrote. A little out there, but hey, trying times call for trying snacks, right? Wrong, at least apparently in the eyes of Brown's chef coworkers. 

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"So many Food Network people are like 'oh, I'm going to braise short ribs in elderberry jam..." Screw that, I'm going to mainline moon pies and snort cheese powder!" he added, summing up pretty much all of our collective thoughts on stress snacking. 

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But then, it seems, something deep inside of the beloved food expert finally snapped. The forces of fear and frustration in this tumultuous election season seemingly caught up with the patient, albeit sometimes chaotic overlord of Good Eats, Cutthroat Kitchen, and Iron Chef right before our very screens, sending Brown barrelling down a rabbit hole of pure culinary madness, full of unbridled anger, hedonism, and absolute insanity. 

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"I'M TALKING ABOUT PIPING SPAGHETTIOS INTO STALE TWINKIES AND EATING THEM NAKED IN THE SHOWER WITH A BOTTLE OF JAEGER," he tweeted in all-caps. 

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At that moment, it became apparent that the Alton Brown we knew was gone, in his place, a monster drunk with power, lighting up our Twitter feeds with nonsensical snack suggestions at the speed of light. 17 cans of Duncan Hines Frosting ...

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... Marshmallow fluff and a three-foot garden hose ...

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... Cap'n Crunch baths ...

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... murder hornet fondue ...

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... socialized Swiss meatballs ...

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... Grapenuts accompanied with scotch and half and half ...

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... and the piece de resistance of the entire rant, ear wax. Yep, Alton Brown, the man credited with giving some of the culinary world's best advice, just advocated eating ear wax. We have truly entered Bizzaro world, folks. 

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But what exactly was behind this absolute rampage, anger. "I'M MAD AS HELL AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANY MORE," he explained. 

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Same, Alton. Same. Moral of the story? Alton Brown is truly all of us preparing for the dumpster fire that will inevitably go down tonight. Happy election snacking to all, and to all, a good night. 

As always, feel free to send Carly ideas for any trending topics you'd like to see Covered on Cracked via Twitter @TennesAnyone, and on Instagram @HuntressThompson_. As she told @TheAngryMailGuy about the idea for this very story, "Your wish is my command, my guy."

 

 

 
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