Cracked Archive - Celebrities

Pitching Movies to Katherine Heigl: Harder Than It Looks

Without question, Katherine Heigl is the most inspired, revolutionary and brilliant leading actress in any film ever created about a morning show producer who is bad at love until she kisses Gerard Butler in a hot air balloon. I'm willing to fight anyone who says otherwise. She is more than a shimmering superstar, Katherine Heigl is a bright and co

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4 Reasons Zooey Deschanel Can Stop Pretending She's a Dork

If you're anything like me, you track rising movie starlets through a patented system of chicken bone voodoo and Precog upkeep. It's a good system but sometimes people fall through the cracks. Like when the lil' water baldies began rolling out the name 'Zooey' over and over again, I had to consult other sources to get a reading of what was up.

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The 5 Most Accidentally Famous Movie Stars

Some professions work their entire lives, and follow a straight and narrow path. Others trip headfirst into success.

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4 Fan Fiction Excerpts from Celebrities

While scouring through the sexualized fanfic about Ziggy Stardust and pretending that each mention of Bowie was actually me, I discovered that a few famous people are actually writing their own fan fiction every day.

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When Is It Too Soon To Make Fun of a Tragedy?

Last week, on the day Amy Winehouse died, I sat down and wrote a eulogy that several people, including my wife and online employer, found unnecessarily ghoulish. And while it's true I thought it was amusing to quip that London officials had banned Amy's cremation for fear of a nation-wide contact high, I was pretty sure I wasn't the worst person in

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10 Stories About Donald Trump You Won't Believe Are True

He's made such a joke of himself in the process that it's easy to miss the immense balls required to do what he does in public, and get away with it. At a certain point, you have to take a step back and marvel at the rap-sheet of dick-headed insanity he's managed to put together.

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How to Act When You Meet a Celebrity [COMIC]

You're probably going to act like an asshole when you meet them. Just go wtih it.

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Why I'd Like to Fill the Oprah Shaped Hole in Your Life

I'd like to step in to the guidance vacuum left by Oprah when she disappeared. I freely admit that part of this decision comes from my deep concern for the physical and spiritual well being of my fellow man. I somewhat begrudgingly admit that I'm also interested in the billions of dollars Oprah made serving in this capacity.

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The Active Ingredients in Charlie Sheen

Charlie Sheen should not be snorted.

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Charlie Sheen's Guide to Mental Wellness

This book is for anyone who ever looked up at the stars late at night and asked the question: Headbutt?

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My Doomed Attempt to Woo Sandra Bullock

It's Valentine's Day, the first heartbeat of spring. I am a strong advocate of any holiday that puts pretense aside and encourages celebrators to trade pricey gifts for sexual favors. When affection can be measured in real currency, I always win because my love is deep and so are my pockets.

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Why Bill Murray Is The World's Greatest Mythological Figure

Bill Murray has become the urban equivalent of Bigfoot -- a mythical figure who generates sightings anywhere people are too drunk to totally trust their memory. Instead of being half-human, half-ape, Bill Murray exists somewhere between celebrities and the rest of us.

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