Cracked Archive - Celebrities

3 Celebrities You Idolize (And The 3 You Resemble Instead)

A lot of us don't measure up to our idols. Like the little league ballplayers who dream of being Derek Jeter but grow up to be high school gym teachers. Or the young mall-rat divas aspiring to be Christina Aguilera who end up performing on Carnival cruise lines. But what about people who are distinct successes, but still want to be some wholly othe

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Dear 'Tiger Beat' Magazine: Make Me a 6th Grade Heartthrob

Regardless of how preposterous they may seem, no child should ever give up on his/her dreams because they have the potential to change the future. I for instance, wanted desperately at eleven years old to be adored by sixth grade girls around the world, and I'm proud to say that's a goal I still hold to this day.

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7 Physical Mutations That Helped Famous Careers

We bet every one of you reading this has one weird thing about your body you'd change if you could. Not so fast, though -- as a whole bunch of famous people can tell you, a horrible deformity and/or physical mutilation can be the difference between failure and stardom.

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4 Celebrity Workout Videos That Should Not Have Been

Do you want a hot body like your favorite Hollywood star? Would you settle for second favorite? Third? Look, how about you tell me where LaToya Jackson ranks in your top 10 and we'll go from there.

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5 Insane Celebrity Conspiracy Theories (That Make Sense)

We try not to be celebrity-obsessed here at Cracked. But some prominent people have permanently changed the culture, and it's worth understanding what made them tick.

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The 5 Most Baffling Career Moves in Hollywood

Yes, Brett Ratner makes the list. No, we still can't explain him.

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Is Kim Kardashian an Idiot? An Objective Analysis

Once more, Bucholz tells it like it is in a not-at-all respectable manner.

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Pitching Movies to Katherine Heigl: Harder Than It Looks

Without question, Katherine Heigl is the most inspired, revolutionary and brilliant leading actress in any film ever created about a morning show producer who is bad at love until she kisses Gerard Butler in a hot air balloon. I'm willing to fight anyone who says otherwise. She is more than a shimmering superstar, Katherine Heigl is a bright and co

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4 Reasons Zooey Deschanel Can Stop Pretending She's a Dork

If you're anything like me, you track rising movie starlets through a patented system of chicken bone voodoo and Precog upkeep. It's a good system but sometimes people fall through the cracks. Like when the lil' water baldies began rolling out the name 'Zooey' over and over again, I had to consult other sources to get a reading of what was up.

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The 5 Most Accidentally Famous Movie Stars

Some professions work their entire lives, and follow a straight and narrow path. Others trip headfirst into success.

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4 Fan Fiction Excerpts from Celebrities

While scouring through the sexualized fanfic about Ziggy Stardust and pretending that each mention of Bowie was actually me, I discovered that a few famous people are actually writing their own fan fiction every day.

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When Is It Too Soon To Make Fun of a Tragedy?

Last week, on the day Amy Winehouse died, I sat down and wrote a eulogy that several people, including my wife and online employer, found unnecessarily ghoulish. And while it's true I thought it was amusing to quip that London officials had banned Amy's cremation for fear of a nation-wide contact high, I was pretty sure I wasn't the worst person in

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10 Stories About Donald Trump You Won't Believe Are True

He's made such a joke of himself in the process that it's easy to miss the immense balls required to do what he does in public, and get away with it. At a certain point, you have to take a step back and marvel at the rap-sheet of dick-headed insanity he's managed to put together.

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