The Bonkers Movie That Cost Zero Dollars: 'Attack Of The Giant Blurry Finger'
There’s an obscure little movie you can find hiding out on streaming services called Attack of the Giant Blurry Finger. It is ... quite something. Given the title, you might think it to be some sort of satirical comedy horror movie referencing the cult-classic Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, but oh man, is it so much more than that (and also, so much more NSFW). It’s what you’ll get when, while stuck at home during a global pandemic, you start messing around with finger puppets — only those finger puppets make you so horny that you end up filming a story about an alien-human relationship on your iPhone that is one nutsack away from just being porn.
Here, watch the trailer if you dare, or read on about the bizarreness of this very pandemic movie.
Heavens to Betsy, that is ... a trailer. So the premise is fairly simple: A lonely woman gets a visit from an alien one night — the alien being the cameraman’s finger that looks gigantic because it’s right in front of the lens (and yes, it looks like a giant schlong). The very lonely and also very horny woman and the Giant Blurry Finger alien strike up a, err, relationship, but things soon turn ugly when Giant Blurry Finger can’t give her a moment’s rest. As in, it won’t stop poking her, literally. It’s important that you know that there is nothing subtle about this movie.
Attack of the Giant Blurry Finger is a sci-fi comedy horror meets satire meets that couple from across the bar’s home video porn, and the scenes range from absolutely nothing happening — a lot of it is just the woman looking in the mirror and sort of rubbing herself — to hilarious pseudo-violence. At one point, our odd couple gets into a fight because, you know, being stuck in a tiny little flat together for an unnatural amount of time will cause a different kind of tension. What makes the fight cringingly funny is how we get to see the woman’s idea of what karate is as she tries to stop the alien finger from “slapping” her against the head in a visual gag that feels like it belongs in an Austin Powers movie.
Near the end, when you start to ask questions like, “Well, how does one defeat an alien that is a Giant Blurry Finger?” and “Where did things go so terribly wrong in my life?” the woman — now knee-deep in a relationship that is clearly toxic for both parties involved — whips out the ultimate weapon to use against such an insidious monster: Paper.
The film was made for a whopping $0 by the couple Cody Clarke and Chloe Pelletier, who, during a Reddit AMA, said, “This was us entertaining ourselves as much as possible during a confusing and stressful time in the world.” That’s fair because this movie, although objectively terrible, reflects many moments a lot of people experienced during the COVID-19 pandemic lockdowns: From those lonely, horny days — especially for people who had to ride out the isolation periods alone — to our basic human desire to create something, anything, so we can feel like we exist. Some folks learned how to read recipes and bake banana bread; others took out their phones and attempted to capture the ups and downs of this very dark time by creating moving pictures featuring their own fingers.
On an even deeper level, Attack of the Giant Blurry Finger reflects our basic human need to connect with someone —or something— so we don’t feel so goddamn alone all the time. Of course, it also makes it clear that it’s hard being in each others’ space 24/7 because, at the end of the day, we are both basic and also insufferably complicated creatures.
At the end of the movie (and before it delivers a little twist, even), the Giant Blurry Finger finally does the right thing and leaves both Earth and our thoroughly exhausted woman in pieces. Break-ups are hard, man. This might not be a great movie. Hell, it’s probably not even a good movie. But it might be the most human movie of all the pandemic-related movies we got.
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Top Image: Kill The Lion Films