6 Insane Sports Stories That Will Make You Believe In Curses

Bobbly Layne, Voodoo master.

The Effect:

Quite simply, the Lions of the last 50 years possess the worst winning percentage the NFL has ever seen, boasting only 16 winning seasons (most of which can be barely considered as such) out of the last 50. Your stoner buddy currently sleeping on your sofa can claim more successes than the Lions franchise at this point.

Three out of the four championships Detroit ever won were helmed by Bobby Layne and the year they traded him away was the last year they would ever play in a championship. In fact, since 1958, the Lions have only ever won one playoff game, way back in 1991.

Still Not Convinced?

If you've done the math, you know that Bobby's curse ran out after last year. In the curse's 50th and final year, the hex hit its macabre crescendo when the Lions managed to lose every single regular season game to finish 0-16, the first team in NFL history to ever do so.

We don't care how much you claim to not believe in curses, if the Lions win the Super Bowl next year, it's probably time to get superstitious.

McSorley was penalized for playing with illegal equipment and sent to the box for two minutes. Montreal capitalized on the one-man advantage, and Eric Desjarins scored a goal against the Kings to tie the game and force an overtime period. During this period, Desjardins scored again and won the game for the Canadiens. They then went on to win the next three games and the Stanley Cup, all because of Marty getting greedy on the stick-bend.

The Effect:

Since the Canadiens won that Stanely Cup, no other Canadian team in the NHL has won the championship. Four Canadian teams have reached the Stanley Cup Finals, only to lose every time against their American opponent.

Why would the sports curse gods punish all Canadian teams, just because the offending team was called "the Canadiens"? And why would the curse affect the guys who didn't cheat? Well, who said curses had to be fair? Or, you know, not retarded?

Not this guy, that's for sure.

As for the Canadiens, they have only managed to win four playoff games since 1993 despite winning 16 postseason games in the 10 seasons before the fateful curved stick incident. In fact, their current 15-year championship drought is the longest they've had in their 90-year history.

Still Not Convinced?

In 1995, a Canadian team, the Quebec Nordiques, pulled up roots and moved to the mountains of Denver to become the Colorado Avalanche. As soon as they left Canada and became an American team, the Avalanche won the Stanley Cup in 1996, and then again in 2001, not only proving the existence of a pox on all Canadian hockey teams, but also proving that even curses have loopholes.

The Cause:

So your team is called the Browns, and you have the best player in the game and he also happens to be named Brown. Holy crap, the posters design themselves! What could go wrong?

Well for almost a decade, nothing at all. Jim Brown tore up the field and hapless tacklers alike, easily becoming the NFL's leading rusher for each one of his nine seasons, earning three NFL MVP awards during his career, and helping the Cleveland Browns to a championship in 1964. And oh, by the way, even with his truncated nine-year career, and even though the NFL played a shorter season back then, Brown still dominates the Browns team rushing records more than four decades later.

But like many athletes, Jim Brown fancied himself as an actor. And he managed to land a role in the upcoming film The Dirty Dozen, no doubt based purely on his acting ability and having nothing to do with being the biggest football star in the country.

While filming during the 1965 off-season, Art Modell, the owner of the Browns demanded that Jim drop everything, cancel shooting and report to training camp to prepare for the upcoming season. Jim responded by one-upping Modell's dick move with an even better dick move, by retiring from professional football completely, at the prime of his career, inciting a hex on the names Cleveland and Browns in the process.

The Effect:

These days Cleveland has the dubious honor of being called the "most tortured sports city" in the United States, due to championship droughts from all of their teams. But the Browns seem to have gotten the worst of it. They haven't won or even appeared in another championship game since their last win in 1964 with Jim Brown, and worse, have only managed to win six playoff games in 44 years.

Still Not Convinced?

In 1996, the Cleveland Browns franchise moved to Baltimore, but through an agreement with the NFL were only permitted to take the current players and staff to create an entirely new team (the Baltimore Ravens). In other words, the name "Browns" didn't go with them. A new replacement Cleveland Browns team would then be created in Cleveland and would retain the Browns' name, colors, history, records, awards, archives and even curses.

The newly minted Baltimore Ravens, free from the city and the "Browns" name, immediately won a Super Bowl in 2000. On the other hand, last year the Browns went 4-12.

And let's not forget that Jim Brown blazed a path for athletes to star in action movies to this day, to the benefit of all.

OK, maybe not.

But then the witch doctor, satisfied with his work, delivered the bill for his services; a cool £1,000. Not having their WAM (Walking Around Money) with them, the players were unable to pay the bill, so the witch doctor justifiably reversed the hex onto the Socceroos themselves and bid them adieu.

The Effect:

No longer having the curse working for them, the Socceroos lost to Israel--mostly due to three players suddenly falling ill during the match. Since the witch doctor incident in 1970 and being unable to score even one goal in the 1974 World Cup campaign, the Australian national team has failed to qualify for the subsequent seven World Cup tournaments spanning 32 years.

The curse is thought to have most obviously manifested during the 1998 Cup qualifiers when the Roos held a two-goal lead over Iran in the final minutes of the game, and looked sure to qualify for the first time in 24 years. However, Iran quickly scored two goals of their own to force a draw, thus knocking the Socceroos out of their sure spot in the tournament and into their usual spot on the sidelines.

Still Not Convinced?

In 2004, Australian documentarian and comedian John Safran read Johnny Warren's aforementioned autobiography that described the witch doctor's hex firsthand and was inspired to travel to Africa to do a story about it for his TV show.

Witch doctor. Or maybe Screwface, from Marked for Death. Whatever.

Upon arriving, he found that the original witch doctor who had placed the curse was dead, but was able to enlist another who promised he could reverse the old jinx completely. He did so by going to the same field in Rhodesia where it all started, channeled the dead witch doctor, killed a chicken (seriously) and splattered the blood all over Safran (that part was just for fun). The following year, the Socceroos finally qualified for the 2006 FIFA World Cup, the first time in 32 years.

Not only did they qualify, but advanced into the second round, far and away the best result the little team from the little continent down under had ever achieved, making Safran a hero overnight, and confirming Voodoo as the one true religion.

After the curse, well, you probably know. The Cubs immediately lost the 1945 World Series despite being only two games away from winning it, encouraging Sianis to send another telegram to Wrigley which simply read, "Who stinks now?"

The Cubs haven't been to the World Series since.

Still Not Convinced?

The Cubs have gotten close twice. In 1984 they made their first playoff appearance since Goatgate. So, curse over, right? It was a five-game series, and the Cubs leaped out to a quick two games to none advantage. One more win, and they'd be back in the World Series. So, they start the third game, go up 3-0, their best pitcher is on the mound...

An error allowed a single Padres runner to score. Suddenly the dark, goat-shaped clouds formed over Wrigley, and the Padres not only went on to win that game, but the next two after that, to knock the Cubs out of the playoffs.

But that's okay, they'd get close again just, uh, 19 years later, in 2003. This time they won the first round of the playoffs, against the Braves. Ah, so now the curse is gone. Right?

The next series was against the Florida Marlins. In the best-of-seven series, they went up three games to one. That's more like it! Just one more win, and it's a World Series, baby! Nothing can go wrong, now! Hell, one win in three remaining games? You could do that on accident.

The Cubs lose Game Five. Then, in Game Six, ahead 3-0 in the 8th inning, just five outs away from a World Series...

Praying to the Goat God is futile. The curse stays.

A Marlins player get a hit, a double. The next guy hits a ball right into the first row of the stands. The Cubs player goes over to catch it for the out... and a fan knocks it away. A Cubs fan. His name was Steve Bartman, and he would get actual death threats in the ensuing months and years. That batter, still alive thanks to the missed catch, walked. They got another hit, and next batter hit into what would have been an inning-ending double play... had the Cubs shortstop--best fielding shortstop in the game--not dropped the ball.

The next batter tied it and the Marlins of course went on to win that game, and the next, and that was that.

Numerous attempts at to lift curse have been staged throughout Chicago, including William Sianis's son marching a goat onto the field, press conferences being held at the Billy Goat Tavern in Chicago, once owned by William and even fans hanging a goat's carcass from the Harry Caray statue in Chicago, all to no avail.

Try as they might, this gesture did surprisingly little to help appease the goat gods.

And check out some sports that don't need curses, in 6 Insane Sports That Could Be in the Next Olympics. Or find out about some mascots that brought shame to their teams, in 6 Heinous Criminal Acts From the World of Sports (Mascots).

Or, visit Cracked.com's Top Picks because we keep a witch doctor on payroll in case people disobey us.