15 Rita Rudner Jokes for the Hall of Fame

‘I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a hundred dollars and said, ‘Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.’ So he went out and bought a present for my mother.’

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6 Insane Sports Stories That Will Make You Believe In Curses

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Sports players and fans alike are a superstitious bunch. As a result, every team that's gone a few years without a title is declared to be under some kind of "curse" or other, despite the fact that, you know, only one team can win it all each year.

But then, there are the other curses, the real ones, the ones that are kind of hard to dismiss. Scoff if you want, but consider...

The San Francisco Giants and the Curse of Coogan's Bluff

The Cause:

Once upon a time, the San Francisco Giants baseball team played in New York, at the Polo Grounds ballpark in Harlem, underneath a cliff face known as Coogan's Bluff. As one of three baseball teams playing in New York at the time, the Giants decided in 1957 to abandon their crumbling stadium and move to a less stifling (but more fabulous!) city, San Francisco.

The move was very sudden and incensed long time fans in New York who took it as a sign of outright betrayal, forcing them to make an impossible choice: continue rooting for their team that was now 3,000 miles away, or become Mets fans. As any rational person would do when faced with such a dilemma, Giants fans in New York placed a hex on the team they once loved, dictating that the Giants would never win a World Series again as long as they were based somewhere other than New York City.

The Effect:

When the Giants played at Coogan's Bluff, they were in the World Series 17 times in 65 years, even making it to the big game four times in a row during the early 20s. Their win in 1954 added a fifth title to their belts, just three years before deciding to move cities.

That would also be the very last time the Giants won the championship.

To put it in perspective, the last time the Giants touched the Commissioner's Trophy was the very first time a sporting event was broadcast in color. Or, for the geeks out there, when Lord of the Rings was first published. In the 51 years since the pox was placed on the Giants, the team has only managed a pitiful three championship appearances, losing in each one, despite acquiring such historical weapons as Willie Mays and later, the lethal duo of Barry Bonds and illegal steroids.

Still Not Convinced?

Here's where it gets weird.

Two of the Giants' three appearances in the World Series since moving (1962 and 1989) were delayed by freak acts of nature's wrath. Heavy, monsoon-like rains delayed the 1962 championship and a massive earthquake during the 1989 World Series destroyed some of San Francisco, including damaging the Giants' home field. From this, we can scientifically deduce that instead of a robe, God wears an "I Heart N.Y." T-Shirt.

The Detroit Lions and the Cruse of Bobby Layne

The Cause:

Bobby Layne was a Hall of Fame NFL quarterback who played for the Detroit Lions from 1950 to 1958. He's often credited with single-handedly leading the team to three league championships in his eight-year tenure with the team, including two back to back.

Despite this, in 1958 and fresh off their third NFL championship, the Lions traded Bobby to Pittsburgh, thinking he was past his prime. Bobby took the news of this perceived betrayal incredibly hard, and as he boarded the bus bound for Pittsburgh, publicly stated that Detroit "would not win for 50 years."


Bobbly Layne, Voodoo master.

The Effect:

Quite simply, the Lions of the last 50 years possess the worst winning percentage the NFL has ever seen, boasting only 16 winning seasons (most of which can be barely considered as such) out of the last 50. Your stoner buddy currently sleeping on your sofa can claim more successes than the Lions franchise at this point.

Three out of the four championships Detroit ever won were helmed by Bobby Layne and the year they traded him away was the last year they would ever play in a championship. In fact, since 1958, the Lions have only ever won one playoff game, way back in 1991.

Still Not Convinced?

If you've done the math, you know that Bobby's curse ran out after last year. In the curse's 50th and final year, the hex hit its macabre crescendo when the Lions managed to lose every single regular season game to finish 0-16, the first team in NFL history to ever do so.

We don't care how much you claim to not believe in curses, if the Lions win the Super Bowl next year, it's probably time to get superstitious.

Canada and the Curse of Marty McSorley

The Cause:

During game two of the 1993 Stanley Cup Finals, the Los Angeles Kings held a 1-goal advantage over the Montreal Canadiens in the final minutes of the game which if left intact would give the Kings a two game lead in the series.

However, as the game was winding down, Montreal coach Jaques Demers suddenly became suspicious about the way Marty McSorley's stick looked. He had the referees get together and inspect the blade and they determined that it was more curved than what the rules would permit, allowing him to do things with the puck that no man should do.

McSorley was penalized for playing with illegal equipment and sent to the box for two minutes. Montreal capitalized on the one-man advantage, and Eric Desjarins scored a goal against the Kings to tie the game and force an overtime period. During this period, Desjardins scored again and won the game for the Canadiens. They then went on to win the next three games and the Stanley Cup, all because of Marty getting greedy on the stick-bend.

The Effect:

Since the Canadiens won that Stanely Cup, no other Canadian team in the NHL has won the championship. Four Canadian teams have reached the Stanley Cup Finals, only to lose every time against their American opponent.

Why would the sports curse gods punish all Canadian teams, just because the offending team was called "the Canadiens"? And why would the curse affect the guys who didn't cheat? Well, who said curses had to be fair? Or, you know, not retarded?


Not this guy, that's for sure.

As for the Canadiens, they have only managed to win four playoff games since 1993 despite winning 16 postseason games in the 10 seasons before the fateful curved stick incident. In fact, their current 15-year championship drought is the longest they've had in their 90-year history.

Still Not Convinced?

In 1995, a Canadian team, the Quebec Nordiques, pulled up roots and moved to the mountains of Denver to become the Colorado Avalanche. As soon as they left Canada and became an American team, the Avalanche won the Stanley Cup in 1996, and then again in 2001, not only proving the existence of a pox on all Canadian hockey teams, but also proving that even curses have loopholes.

Cleveland and the Curse of Jim Brown

The Cause:

So your team is called the Browns, and you have the best player in the game and he also happens to be named Brown. Holy crap, the posters design themselves! What could go wrong?

Well for almost a decade, nothing at all. Jim Brown tore up the field and hapless tacklers alike, easily becoming the NFL's leading rusher for each one of his nine seasons, earning three NFL MVP awards during his career, and helping the Cleveland Browns to a championship in 1964. And oh, by the way, even with his truncated nine-year career, and even though the NFL played a shorter season back then, Brown still dominates the Browns team rushing records more than four decades later.

But like many athletes, Jim Brown fancied himself as an actor. And he managed to land a role in the upcoming film The Dirty Dozen, no doubt based purely on his acting ability and having nothing to do with being the biggest football star in the country.

While filming during the 1965 off-season, Art Modell, the owner of the Browns demanded that Jim drop everything, cancel shooting and report to training camp to prepare for the upcoming season. Jim responded by one-upping Modell's dick move with an even better dick move, by retiring from professional football completely, at the prime of his career, inciting a hex on the names Cleveland and Browns in the process.

The Effect:

These days Cleveland has the dubious honor of being called the "most tortured sports city" in the United States, due to championship droughts from all of their teams. But the Browns seem to have gotten the worst of it. They haven't won or even appeared in another championship game since their last win in 1964 with Jim Brown, and worse, have only managed to win six playoff games in 44 years.

Still Not Convinced?

In 1996, the Cleveland Browns franchise moved to Baltimore, but through an agreement with the NFL were only permitted to take the current players and staff to create an entirely new team (the Baltimore Ravens). In other words, the name "Browns" didn't go with them. A new replacement Cleveland Browns team would then be created in Cleveland and would retain the Browns' name, colors, history, records, awards, archives and even curses.

The newly minted Baltimore Ravens, free from the city and the "Browns" name, immediately won a Super Bowl in 2000. On the other hand, last year the Browns went 4-12.

And let's not forget that Jim Brown blazed a path for athletes to star in action movies to this day, to the benefit of all.

OK, maybe not.

The Australian Soccer Team and the Witch Doctor Curse

The Cause:

On the one hand, many of you don't care about soccer. On the other, this might be the most awesome of all the world's sports curses.

So the Australian national team that competes in the FIFA World Cup every four years is called The Socceroos (an odd nickname, considering the rest of the world, including Australia, calls the sport "football"). They started participating in the World Cup in 1966, but failed to qualify that year. Becoming frustrated and impatient, members of the Socceroos took advantage of the African setting of the 1970 Cup qualifiers and enlisted the help of a real live, local, Voodoo witch doctor, complete with novelty-sized bone nose ring.

According to one player's autobiography, after reaching an agreement with the team, the witch doctor set about applying a curse on any team that would oppose the Socceroos. He did this by burying bones near each goal-post on the field that was to be used, and performed the spell or whatever. It worked; the Socceroos then subsequently beat their first opponent, Rhodesia, to advance further into the qualifying rounds and celebrated the power of the curse.

But then the witch doctor, satisfied with his work, delivered the bill for his services; a cool £1,000. Not having their WAM (Walking Around Money) with them, the players were unable to pay the bill, so the witch doctor justifiably reversed the hex onto the Socceroos themselves and bid them adieu.

The Effect:

No longer having the curse working for them, the Socceroos lost to Israel--mostly due to three players suddenly falling ill during the match. Since the witch doctor incident in 1970 and being unable to score even one goal in the 1974 World Cup campaign, the Australian national team has failed to qualify for the subsequent seven World Cup tournaments spanning 32 years.

The curse is thought to have most obviously manifested during the 1998 Cup qualifiers when the Roos held a two-goal lead over Iran in the final minutes of the game, and looked sure to qualify for the first time in 24 years. However, Iran quickly scored two goals of their own to force a draw, thus knocking the Socceroos out of their sure spot in the tournament and into their usual spot on the sidelines.

Still Not Convinced?

In 2004, Australian documentarian and comedian John Safran read Johnny Warren's aforementioned autobiography that described the witch doctor's hex firsthand and was inspired to travel to Africa to do a story about it for his TV show.


Witch doctor. Or maybe Screwface, from Marked for Death. Whatever.

Upon arriving, he found that the original witch doctor who had placed the curse was dead, but was able to enlist another who promised he could reverse the old jinx completely. He did so by going to the same field in Rhodesia where it all started, channeled the dead witch doctor, killed a chicken (seriously) and splattered the blood all over Safran (that part was just for fun). The following year, the Socceroos finally qualified for the 2006 FIFA World Cup, the first time in 32 years.

Not only did they qualify, but advanced into the second round, far and away the best result the little team from the little continent down under had ever achieved, making Safran a hero overnight, and confirming Voodoo as the one true religion.

The Cubs and the Curse of the Billy Goat

The Cause:

Come on, who else but the Cubs could take the top spot?

All William Sianis wanted to do was take his pet goat Murphy to see the Chicago Cubs play in the 1945 World Series. He even bought an extra ticket for the goat to use that cost $7.20 each because they were box seats; a lot of money to spend on a goat-date. Despite some difficulty getting into Wrigley Field with the goat, they were eventually allowed in and sat down to enjoy some championship baseball.

In the seventh inning, however, Cubs owner Philip Wrigley personally had Sianis and Murphy ejected from the stadium, for some trivial reason involving the goat's incredible stench making people nauseous. Furious, Sianis declared that "The Cubs ain't gonna win no more," and according to Sianis's family, he even sent a telegram to Wrigley explaining his curse in detail; that the Cubs would never again appear in a World Series, let alone win one, all because Wrigley had insulted his goat.


William Sianis and Murphy on their wedding night

The Effect:

Before the incident with Sianis in 1945 (heretoforth referred to as "Goatgate"), the Cubs enjoyed a rich winning tradition. Although their last World Series win was back in 1908, they'd appeared in the World Series seven times since 1910. They were the winningest baseball team in the country at the time, having achieved 51 winning seasons out of 70 prior to Goatgate.

After the curse, well, you probably know. The Cubs immediately lost the 1945 World Series despite being only two games away from winning it, encouraging Sianis to send another telegram to Wrigley which simply read, "Who stinks now?"

The Cubs haven't been to the World Series since.

Still Not Convinced?

The Cubs have gotten close twice. In 1984 they made their first playoff appearance since Goatgate. So, curse over, right? It was a five-game series, and the Cubs leaped out to a quick two games to none advantage. One more win, and they'd be back in the World Series. So, they start the third game, go up 3-0, their best pitcher is on the mound...

An error allowed a single Padres runner to score. Suddenly the dark, goat-shaped clouds formed over Wrigley, and the Padres not only went on to win that game, but the next two after that, to knock the Cubs out of the playoffs.

But that's okay, they'd get close again just, uh, 19 years later, in 2003. This time they won the first round of the playoffs, against the Braves. Ah, so now the curse is gone. Right?

The next series was against the Florida Marlins. In the best-of-seven series, they went up three games to one. That's more like it! Just one more win, and it's a World Series, baby! Nothing can go wrong, now! Hell, one win in three remaining games? You could do that on accident.

The Cubs lose Game Five. Then, in Game Six, ahead 3-0 in the 8th inning, just five outs away from a World Series...


Praying to the Goat God is futile. The curse stays.

A Marlins player get a hit, a double. The next guy hits a ball right into the first row of the stands. The Cubs player goes over to catch it for the out... and a fan knocks it away. A Cubs fan. His name was Steve Bartman, and he would get actual death threats in the ensuing months and years. That batter, still alive thanks to the missed catch, walked. They got another hit, and next batter hit into what would have been an inning-ending double play... had the Cubs shortstop--best fielding shortstop in the game--not dropped the ball.

The next batter tied it and the Marlins of course went on to win that game, and the next, and that was that.

Numerous attempts at to lift curse have been staged throughout Chicago, including William Sianis's son marching a goat onto the field, press conferences being held at the Billy Goat Tavern in Chicago, once owned by William and even fans hanging a goat's carcass from the Harry Caray statue in Chicago, all to no avail.


Try as they might, this gesture did surprisingly little to help appease the goat gods.

And check out some sports that don't need curses, in 6 Insane Sports That Could Be in the Next Olympics. Or find out about some mascots that brought shame to their teams, in 6 Heinous Criminal Acts From the World of Sports (Mascots).

Or, visit Cracked.com's Top Picks because we keep a witch doctor on payroll in case people disobey us.

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