Step right on up, folks! It's the greatest show on the internet, now with 30% more dick jokes per square foot of comedy.
DID GYRE AND GIMBLE IN THE WABE
6 Dream Jobs That Would Actually Suck
Our dream job involves not having our basement raided by the FBI in a mad witch hunt to stop some ficticious 'child slavery ring'.
Notable Comment: Bluth had this to say, "Dammit Cracked! Why must you crush all of my dreams?!" Because we feed on the sweet, silky nectar of your despair, Bluth. Your soul dies inch by inch, and it nourishes us.
TAKE THAT, HIPPIES!
5 Ways People Are Trying To Save The World (That Don't Work)
We're not saying that it's okay to polute the fuck out of the planet now, but it's pretty heavily implied.
Notable Comment:Someone in the comments interpreted this article as rightwing, prolife propaganda. So there's that answer.
GOD DAMN LUCKY!
7 Celebrity Careers That Launched by Accident
God must really love Pamela Anderson.
Notable Comment:Magentaelephant says "to be fair, Jackie Earle Haley is playing Rorschach. that's pretty hardcore." WATCHMEN NEXT WEEK WATCHMEN NEXT WEEK WATCHMEN NEXT WEEK!!
Where's the bridge? The 7 Biggest Things Ever Stolen
Sometimes people bite off a little more than they can chew. And then there's these guys...
Notable Comment: It was a normal day on the comment boards, until Truthiness leapt into the room, flailing his arms and crying 'disaster!' "I had a great idea for this comment but somebody stole it." Codycastor soon revealed himself as the culprit. "tRUthInEsS: if yOu EVeR WanT tO SeE YouR cOMMeNt AgaiN, You'Ll leAve $7.50 iN uNMaRkEd BillS iN a Bag oN ThE CorNEr Of 5Th anD JEfFErsOn. NO cOpS! " At first it seemed things could be worked out. But disaster struck again; Truthiness couldn't put the cash together. "Damn it! Where am I going to find non consecutive unmarked bills at this hour? " Thankfully everything turned out okay. "daMmIt!!! JUsT BriNg A TEn. I'Ve goT CHAnGe." Codycastor was later captured and shot thirty-seven times by the Cracked Comment Police.
CRY LITTLE BABIES
10 Awesome Ads (For Traumatizing Children)
Mommy, why do I see the Egg-man in my nightmares?
Notable Comment: Cracked and JRski, keeping you up to date on how to get the best weed in Cleveland: "Norton commercials are legelnday in Cleveland. They only run late at night. If you ever see anyone with a Norton t-shirt they always have the best weed."
HOMO SAYS WHAT
5 Most Unintentionally Gay Horror Movies
These films are faaaaaabulous.
Notable Comment:Dumass says "Woody Allen married his step-daughter...so.fucking.god.damn.creepy" Well, we appreciate the contribution, but Woody Allen doesn't make horror movies. And marrying someone of the opposite sex isn't gay. And he got freaky with the chick in real life, and not a movie. So you missed about every point of this article, but, hey, we love your enthusiasm.
Going Green is the Only Way to Stop the Zombies
And now we're that much closer to having a Zombie movie directed by Al Gore.
YOU YOU YOU!
Inside the Inboxes of 15 Fictional Villains
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, When Superpowers Go Wrong.
Sometimes sperm has to stop and ask for directions to find the egg.
what kind of prostate exam requires a full-body glove???
They're commanding the shit out of my Cobra.
I'd hit it... with a mobile command center equipment with detatchable compartments (figurine sold seperately)
"hey frodo, get to mntn yet? lol. jk, tyt. aragon sez hi. ttyl.
Lord of the Ringtones.
You must be atleast this tall to trip balls.
This is the sort of thing you should paint over before you try to sell your house.
Hermione's life went downhill after Hogwarts.
The Toothless Fairy.
I'm glad to see there are no fuzzy dice hanging from the rearview mirror.
That would be tacky.
Sometimes the words "road" and "trip" go together better than you could have imagined.
Chinese Jerry was one bad motherfucker.
and then the ball rolls down the stairs triggereing the net which traps the mouse.
We're so inundated with Trump news that we shrug off scandals that would tank any other president.
These hilarious stories should have been taught in every school.