Is Google covering up Atlantis?
Last week during a slow news day, it was reported that a man in England found what appeared to be a grid-like network of roads on the floor of the Atlantic Ocean using the latest version of Google Maps. Naturally he immediately assumed he had found the lost continent of Atlantis, and alerted the appropriate authority, which in England is apparently the Telegraph.
One thing you'll notice if you look at this on Google Maps yourself is that the area is huge, and actually pretty easy to spot. I'm serious, go see for yourself. Unlike those stories where Google Earth was used to find ancient Roman villas or undisturbed forests, and involved someone with multiple Ph.D.s sitting hunched over a computer for days on end, this "Atlantis" can easily be spotted by a half wit with four or five beers in him (That's a pretty fair description of most English, actually).
The fact that it's so easy to spot suggests to me that it might not be terribly unique. In fact, after a couple minutes of scrolling around the world, I've found similar straight line/right angle combinations off the coast of Ireland, in Hudson's Bay and a little northeast of Siberia. Which means that the Atlantians were either prolific road builders and I just became the world's most incredible oceanographer, or that I have found absolutely nothing, and remain the idiot that genetics and past history say I am and always shall be.
So what to make of these lines then? Well, in the original Telegraph article, the reporter managed to get a quote from an Atlantis expert, but didn't bother talking too an actual oceanographer, or you know, Google. In fact, when someone did eventually get around to calling them, a Google spokesperson squashed the story. They stated,
"Bathymetric (or seafloor terrain) data is often collected from boats using sonar to take measurements of the seafloor. The lines reflect the path of the boat as it gathers the data."
Which sounds relatively convincing, in the same way that it sort of made sense when Geordi LeForge inverted the polarity of the subspace wheezit to get the Enterprise out of another inadvertent-holodeck-sentience related jam. As a web comedian, I'm marginally underqualified to analyze the scientific merits of Google's explanation. What I am qualified to do though is express disappointment that Google didn't try and string this along for awhile, and see how this played out. You know, act all mysterious for a couple months, or at least until a few lunatics drown in the Atlantic in homemade diving rigs. By clarifying this issue so rapidly, Google may have been acting in an ethically and scientifically responsible manner, but they really shit in the cornflakes of a good potential prank on conspiracy nuts.
Here then is how I would have strung along the world for a few days, provided I was in some sort of position of authority at Google. Senior VP of Jerking Around The Rubes perhaps.
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1) Quickly replace this section of the map with a version that's digitally manipulated to reveal no grid like lines. Deny the published images are real. Blame it on overactive imaginations and Photoshop trickery.
2) Adjust the search results for "Atlantis" to prefer sources that downplay any historical basis for Atlantis. Edit Wikipedia liberally with the same intention, leaving Google IP addresses in the logs.
3) Change every font on Google to unreadable and ancient looking glyphs for a few hours. Nautical themed if possible. Seaweed and tridents and whatnot.
4) Quietly funnel billions of dollars into research on artificial gills. When this information leaks, issue a public statement denying the allegations. Be sure to unnecessarily confirm your allegiance to the "dirtwalking government of the United States."
5) Find an old bomb siren and install it on the roof of Google HQ. Set it off one day, and have everyone rush outside to the front lawn in a panic and start building an Ark.
6) For the suspect region, at the maximum zoom level, replace the "we don't have imagery at this zoom level" error message with this:
And while all the silly Britons lean back on their rock-stools, sipping their ales and hating on America, they completely forget that Bucholz is Canadian.
ReplyBesides some of the sillier suggestions, it would be awesome if Google actually did #1, 2, pretend at on #4, and did #6 with something subtler and more suggestive of actual conspiracy.
Reply@Michael
ReplyShut up. I mean, c'mon, this is a comedy site. Get over yourself. You're preaching about Americans thinking they're better than the British when you just believe the reverse.
I'm English and I laughed. That's because it's funny.
It makes no sense. You're saying that murder is wrong, then hammering the point home by publically murdering people. And if you really, absolutely have to kill someone, couldn't you at least be humane? Do you have to electrocute them, for god's sake?
ReplyDo the words "lethal injection" ring a bell? In most cases, not counting when things go wrong once and a while, the felon dies quick and painlessly. The electric chair hasn't been used in quite a long time here.
Electric chairs were created to be a humane way to execute people. So was the guillotine. The gas chamber was popular until f**king Hitler villainized it to hell and back. Seriously, f**k that guy.
@Micheal
ReplyThe death penalty is far more civilized than forcing criminals to stay in a cage for 60+ years. I'd take death before life in prison anyday.
Then again, when countries give rapists/murderers fucking Wii's to play with, maybe I should go to one of your countries and commit a crime just to get free room, board, and cable!
"5) Find an old bomb siren and install it on the roof of Google HQ. Set it off one day, and have everyone rush outside to the front lawn in a panic and start building an Ark."
ReplyGenius.
@ohyes: Boat fires?
ReplyIn what circumstance would a firefighter merman be necessary?
ReplyIn what circ*mstance WOULDN'T a firefighter merman be necessary? Or awesome?
A little late entering this whole debate YES. Nice article Bucholz, I wish I had read about this when it happened but oh well.
ReplyAlso, Im English, and Im ACTUALLY currently drinking cider [I see that's popular on this comment thread] (Strongbow because they didn't have any Bulmers but WHATEVER)
Anyway, Im not offended and I dont think anyone should be, I saw the debates about which countries are stereotypical for drinking, but at the end of the day, if alcohol is legal in a country, and people like drinking it, then it will be drunk.
SHOCK HORROR!
People who take it so seriously should grow up and have the proper debates over which nation is the best in the Xenophobic threads in the forum section.
Well, maybe we wouldn't if you didn't call us drunks and go around thinking that you're somehow the greatest country in the world. You still have the death penalty, for god's sake, so by many people's standards you're not even a civilised country.
ReplyI am from America and living in England. Yes, yes you do.
ReplyI'm from England, we don't hate Americans in the slightest.
ReplyWhat about the Iraqie's? Are they drunks?
ReplyToni-Lou.
ReplyI'm a bird too.
[...] Google is working with the Stonecutters. [...]
ReplyPremise: I don't mean to piss anyone off, so if you can't read this without screaming outrage, fuck you. Also it was meant to be a small comment, it turned out long, sorry about that.
ReplySilvio, about your brits in mallorca:
my wife is british (I am not) and as far as I could gather during these years, they're still angry at the "jerries" for WW2 (those who were there, and those who have been taught about it when they were little by those who were there first hand).
Also I think the fact the british royals are basically germans helps with the "let's take the piss" attitude.
Damien...
"America is generally called the evil empire by Europeans for BEHAVING MUCH BETTER at the top of the power chain" ?
"maybe we can fix the problems that Europe’s colonialism created" ???
Did the military tell you that ?
I have no intention to offend you or any of your brothers-in-arms, but it's hogwash (brainwash?).
I'm sure most of your people think they are doing good in the world, at least at foot-soldier level (leaving out the crackjobs that are in it because they're mental, and there are plenty), but I'm afraid the end result is not as shiny as you believe.
And dude, if you're called the evil empire one reason could be that you don't think twice before bombing anywhere you like without giving a shit, and it usually boils down to oil or controlling a foreign country via the installed-dictator-of-the-month.
That doesn't look good man, I assure you.
Also, guys, a-hem - the U.S. IS european colonialism.
When I offer my opinion on something american I'm more often than not told "fuck off you're european". Americans forget that so are most of them and all of their ancestors, they're just living far from home (exception made for american natives and other various immigrates from around the world of course).
And just in case someone thinks "boo he's rooting for the brits, them ebil", at street level they are too often drunken aggressive-cowardly bums with a penchant for irresponsible sex (the gov'ment will give you money and a house if you get pregnant, so who gives a shit?) and they are (not-so) slowly spiralling down to the point where they're one step away from walking the streets grunting with a club in hand.
Broccoli boy....I am a beer swilling Brit bird who loves going out on a weekend night & talking to inanimate objects & having a rant with the twats in Subways & generally having a good old gee-rarf! It is part of our culture, so why are you so embarrased about us or are you just brown nosing? If we didn't go out then there'd be a lot more people out of jobs over here that's for sure! It is called having fun & we certainly know how to do that, there are a bunch of knobs that go that one step too far & pick fights etc but the rest of us are just in for the kicks! What else have we got to do on this little island of ours? Splash in puddles or go visit the Queen :)
Reply[...] Google is working with the Stonecutters. [...]
ReplyEyesLikeBroccoli:
ReplyYou sound like a good friend of mine here in Korea
Carpe Diem :-)
He's (British/English/European) as well. I told him about the anti-americanism that arose from all of this and he was ashamed. Unfortunate because I found being the opposition to be quite fun. Unfortunately I do have a demanding job so I can't keep on top of it; but it has been a fun and lazy two days :-)
(By the way write all you want; I'll be too busy to answer. It'll be just like that British bloke who tried to kill me with a brick when I was five because I'm half Irish and half German.)
Sorry I do have a bit of racism against the British in me despite my friends; I accept my friends but I don't accept the culture that made it okay to let people try to kill me when I was a child. Or my uncle for that matter (born mostly Irish).
This article was great, mainly because it sparked off such a brouhaha over one simple, tongue-in-cheek comment.
ReplyI'm British/English/European [delete where appropriate] and I found the 'pretty fair description', well, pretty fair. And funny, I hasten to add.
Go out in any British town or city on a Friday or a Saturday night and I can guarantee there'll be a grotesque carnival of beer-swilling, rosy-cheeked anglo-saxons gallumphing their crapulent way through the streets [and that's just the women], picking a fight with whatever object comes into their immediate line of vision [normally streetlamps and pavements] and decorating the concrete with a delicate smorgasbord of kebab, chips and vomit.
The booze culture in this country is embarrassing. Our history of colonialism is embarrassing. We are pretty much a huge embarrassment.
But at least I can laugh about it whilst clasping my bottle of cider and lying in a puddle of my own urine.