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Sometimes it's because TV ads try a little too hard to be "edgy." Sometimes it's because ad executives are fucking insane. Regardless of the reason, since the television was invented, it has brought us ads so unintentionally terrifying that they'll haunt you forever. So hold on to your butts, because we've gone out and found 10 ads that are sure to leave a lasting impression . . . in your nightmares. #10.
Kinder Surprise
The Marketing Meeting: Ferrero President: We need a hook for our horrible chocolate eggs filled with two cents worth of plastic. For some bizarre reason kids are not all over them.
The Result: What the Fuck? If insanity were a living creature, chances are this is what its nightmares would look like:
So this creature appears, and he's the love child of Humpty Dumpty and all of our darkest fears. He addresses the viewers who are now sitting in a puddle of their own piss, with an important announcement on the versatility and intrinsic details of the Ferrero Kinder Surprise: "Kinder, yebbol shakey." Well, thank you Humpty, that certainly needed to be said. "Me unscrabbly," continues the giant egg wrapped in human skin. After that, the whole thing spirals into some sort of gibberish, which we are forced to assume are spells from the Necronomicon.
The monstrosity strategically forgets to tell you anything about the chocolate which holds the "awesome" prize, proving to us that even Ferrero knows they are behind a barrel of surplus WWII diarrhea in the taste department. But that's okay, because the lousy chocolate holds an even lousier plastic toy inside. A toy which, by the way, was apparently meant to be a chef in a red suit, but in this commercial, looks very much like a skinned torture victim:
#9.
Tarako Pasta Sauce
The Marketing Meeting: "I don't know man, cod roe pasta sauce? How will we make kids want to eat it?"
The Result: What the Fuck? In what brings to mind a rendition of Village of the Damned... in Space, the invading identical army of blanket wrapped toddlers descends upon Earth from a turd-shaped spacecraft, all singing in perfect unison the immensely creepy chant of "Tarako."
Now, children are hideous monsters as it is, but when you have an apparently limbless army of them, advancing in a Roman Triangle Formation with their doll faced frozen expressions, chanting a tune which can only be described as a war song, then you are not that far away from your brain sending an evacuation order straight to your bowels. But believe it or not, this is not even the fucked up part. No. What really drives us insane from horror and bewilderment is when the obviously tripping albino Japanese boy-girl stares emotionlessly at the hive consciousness legion of alien babies...
...after which the commercial cuts straight to the kid enjoying a plate of spaghetti. Why is that terrifying you ask? Here is what cod roe looks like, compared with an image from the commercial for your convenience:
That's right. The commercial implies that the kid ate the invading alien horde by turning them into pasta sauce. So, suddenly, what was probably devised as a cutesy commercial for a food product becomes a dramatic tale of a young albino on acid saving Earth by eating alien babies in the shape of human toddlers. We'll give you one guess as to which country this came from. #8.
PlayStation
The Marketing Meeting: Guy#1: We need to tell our customers just how awesome and totally sweet the PlayStation is.
The Result:
What the Fuck? Never before has the theory of the uncanny valley been proven to such an extent. The... thing in the commercial possesses enough features to be sorta labeled a human, we guess, but there is something off here... something that makes you quiver in the deepest corners of your very soul... we don't know what though. Could be her hairstyle, lack of make-up or the fact she is an alien-human hybrid.
Our collective acid fantasy from Venus babbles nonstop for almost 40 seconds about humans, making a point to tell us she is not one them, in case you were wondering if subtlety was Sony's forte. And just as a bonus, E.T. Girl laughs the laugh of the damned after something growls off camera, perhaps the sound of a fellow alien eating a human child. After that, the tagline, "Do Not Underestimate the Power of PlayStation," sounds very much like a threat.
#7.
Norton Furniture
The Marketing Meeting: Mark: I don't get it... we keep losing customers. What are we doing wrong?
The Result: What the Fuck? Have you ever wondered what it would be like to hear a furniture credit pitch from the bastard love child of Peter Lorre and Mr. Miyagi amidst a sea of stuffed animals giving away random growls? What? What do you mean "No"? You lie! Well, even if you didn't, Norton Furniture still provides an answer. A creepy, disturbing answer.
"Now, seriously, if you can't get credit in my store........ you can't get credit anywhere." The unusual emphasis on "seriously" and the long pause before finishing the sentence gives the whole thing an unintended feeling of danger. We are now afraid that if Norton declines us credit, we will not leave the store alive and end up inside one of his stuffed animals. After you are left uneasy with this subtle threat and try to decide if Norton's voice sounds more like Igor from Frankenstein or Christopher Lambert's Rayden, you are a served a large portion of baked creepy when another of the supposedly "dead" animals growls at the furniture salesman causing him to consult his current situation with... a policeman mannequin.
#6.
Nike Pro Apparel
The Marketing Meeting: Nike.... Nike... Ni... ke.... shoes... shoes, people wear shoes on their feet, they play sports... Yes, sports, sports... ee... football, baseball... pro athletes.... arena sports... arena... big open arena... the Coliseum... Coliseum... dead Christians.... blood and gore.... Unrelenting horror strapped to the heads of pro athletes! I am a genius! The Result: What the Fuck? Holy donkey balls on fire, what the hell is that in the first 0.5 seconds? Rewind. What the hell? Can barely make it out, the images move too fast. OK, in slow motion. What... in... the...
OK... so, from the very first nanoseconds of the commercial, Nike decided to thoroughly roofie up and rape our minds by planting subliminal messages of pure horror in their ad before immediately cutting to a bunch of MLB and NFL players posing for Sports Illustrated in some dark dreary basement which still looks, to us, like solitary confinement. To pass the time at their... well, prison--we guess, because we aren't seeing an exit anywhere--the guys engage in some typical sports oriented activities: throwing baseballs, footballs, swinging a bat. And then the whole thing not only goes back to Insanityville, it sets up shop there:
In what we can only assume to have been the end result of a bet gone horribly wrong, each of the pro athletes starring in this cerebral enema of madness gets transformed into David Lynch's rendition of Power Rangers.
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I would totally do the PS alien girl. As long as she promises to never talk. God I hate scottish accents.
Also, I bet Mark from the Norton's ad gets put in every single police lineup for every crime in Cleveland.
You could make an entire separate list consisting ENTIRELY of PlayStation commercials. Sony once ACTUALLY HIRED David Lynch to do PS2 commercials in Europe (look it up on Youtube) and their recent campaign in Japan to promote the PS3 slim is similarly scarring. Seriously, Sony has no f**king clue how to advertise their game consoles.
"The siren call of the Legions of the Damned penetrates the minds of children nearby, making them gather around their new plastic master, their innocent yet undoubtedly condemned laugh mixing with the demonic cackle, ready to take orders"... What a mind dude!!! I almost wet my pants laughing...
The Dark Temptation ad was quite shocking here in Brazil - my mother hated it, and everytime the ad showed up on TV, she would complain about it. And I totally agree with her.
Also, we Brazilians laugh at the Axe fixation with the strange fact that, "when using one of their deodorants, you will be simply raped by hordes of sex-thirsty women" (I'm not exaggerating here; in one of their ads, a guy is stomped by a horrifying army of women right after he sprays and Axe deodorant).
Jesus.
Sure these are all creepy, but that bloody PS3 baby? That is genuinely frightening.
The Nike one is downright weird but the PS3 Baby one has scared me from the moment I first saw it.
This list is terrifying but I can't help laughing; I think I'm infected by baby laughs a lot. thanks Cracked!
only one i disagree with is choco man from axe. it makes sense. axe tries to make it seem that ur wanted by women and women love chocolate and they just decided to add random rejuvenation powers
im surprised they didn't add the Norton Furniture ad with the dancing frog man. still, this is the most hilariously terrifying list i have ever seen on cracked.
Those are some seriously fucking scary toys.
I always thought that baby PS3 commercial was SO FUCKED UP!! I haven't seen it in a while since PS3 came out so to see it again...I seriously got chills. Thanks Cracked, for the bad dreams I'll be sure to have tonight...
OMG That PS3 baby ad was the freakiest thing on this list!! I was so creeped out by it. And the laugh a lot doll... BE GONE DEMON CHILD!
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I have a feeling that the alien spawn girl is to symbolize the side-effects of this new gaming revolution: you'll be so glued to the TV your face will flatten to hideous proportions. That, or Playstations are giving us all cancer. I personally go with the first one.
Ya notice that the chocolate guy keeps restoring himself? No matter what gets taken or melted off of him it comes right back!
The power of PS1 in today's world is considered weak. But nothing could match up with it's awesome assortment of games and badass gameplay for its time! The only thing that could match up to it was N64!
But....that ad....had nothing to do with Playstation....
The video for #9 has been removed, #8 is weird, i think the norton's guy is stoned off his ass when he filmed the commercial and they used the fake animals and cop to mimic what he was describing during an equally stoned moment.
Someone in the advertising department was SERIOUSLY twacked out when they did the whole Nike commercial. That shit is just... bizarre.
The CGI on Orville is horrible. He doesn't even look like a real person. The video for the mask thing is gone.
I LOVE the smell of the Axe Dark Temptation but that commercial is.. eyebrow raising.. i don't think i'll be able to look at that product quite the same again.
That PS3 commercial is downright mortifying. Who the hell... thinks of shit like that??
The video for that doll thing isn't there anymore, so can't see it, but the description alone makes me question whether i actually ever WOULD want to see it
AHHHHHHH!!!!!! HUMPTY DUMPTYS GONNA EAT MY BRAINS!!!! D:
I have to say the Nike commercial while being disturbing is also damn cool. It makes me feel like they're saying "YOU! YOU??? YOU ARE NOT BADASS ENOUGH TO WEAR OUR APPAREL! WILL YOU DON A VENUS FLY SWATTER TO CRUSH YOUR ENEMIES???"
"WE DON'T THINK SO PUSSY!"
10 is fucking creepy, I started this list in the middle of the night and got freaked the fuck out when I saw that face, I can't understand what the alien chick in the playstation ad is saying so much of the freaky-ness is lost on e.
The maniacal killer electrode zapping mask is gold, makes you wonder how many women or men put that on their face and thought: this mask plus electicity dangerously close to my brain seems like a good idea.
rejuvenique is a brillant product brought to us by the criminally insane "doctors and scientists" at concentration camps of ww2 germany
The PS1 commercial is from director Chris Cunningham, the alien girl looks like the unholy love child of the school girls from "Come to Daddy" and robots from "All is Full of Love".
I think all those athletes are just sad they didn't get into slipknot.