It’s a recurring staple of science fiction, a fantasy straight out of the back pages of comic books and the last, most desperate wish of creepy would-be date rapists signing up for correspondence courses in hypnosis: It’s mind control. And it’s just about here.
There are three major stages needed for real life, applicable mind control: to know what somebody is thinking, to take hold of their memories and, finally, to manipulate their actions. Each of these things is pretty fundamentally violating on their own, but if you get all three together, it could spell the end of free will forever. So…you know science is on that shit!
The first step towards real life mind control is figuring out what the hell you’re thinking about in the first place. For most of you reading this right now, that’s probably something about boobs or Transformers or, if you’re a regular reader here: transforming boobs.
What do they transform into? MORE BOOBS!
However, some people are a bit more complicated than that. Like women, for example. They have both thoughts and emotions. I know! Crazy, right? How do you crack someone like that? Well, you break it down; to figure out the complicated human mind, you need to know how they think - what exactly makes them the person they are - and to know that, you need to know what they’ve seen, and what they remember.
That’s why researchers at the ATR Computational Neuroscience Laboratories set out to capture images directly from the human brain.
How? Well, when you look at something, your retinas relay the image as electrical signals to your visual cortex before you can even process said images consciously. The scientists simply used an MRI machine to monitor activity in the visual cortex and, along with insanely intricate mapping software, they successfully pulled images from their minds! They showed the test subjects six consecutive letters that spelled out the word “neuron” – the name of the magazine the study was being published in – and then, using their setup, they re-interpreted the data back into the readable letters as shown below.
Okay, so telepathy is 8-bit for now. Give it 20 years and it’ll be HD.
Because the visual cortex registers what you see, whether you realize it or not, this process also makes it possible to capture things you haven’t physically seen - like dreams or visualized imaginary scenarios – as well as things you can’t consciously recall seeing, or weren’t paying attention to - like forgotten memories or small details overlooked at the time.
So eventually, way down the line, this process could be used for anything visually based, from finding your lost keys, to recording your dreams for later examination. Why you would want to do the latter is anybody’s guess, seeing as how your dreams, if they’re anything like mine, are mostly just jumbled assortments of pop-culture idols gyrating erotically, while abstract representations of your deepest fears chase you through a hedge-maze, finally catching you because you can only run in slow motion while everything else moves in real time.
Like this, but with MacGyver’s face. And sexy.
For the time being, they can only recreate crude images like the aforementioned letters, and even then only by painstakingly mapping brain activity recorded while you’re currently looking at something. So on the down side, even if it advanced remarkably, this specific technology could never tell somebody what you were thinking; it could only improve at telling them what you were picturing. But on the plus side, all those violent revenge fantasies you have - where people guilty of the slightest offense towards you are beaten to a pulp by your unerring fists, while all of your female friends and co-workers celebrate your impending victory by stripping off their business attire and engaging in exceptionally bouncy oil fights? Yeah, soon they’ll be able to totally watch that shit. Even record it! Where it will probably get you incredibly, irrevocably fired… or else promoted to the advertising department (depending on the marketability of the jiggles.)
Hint: extremely marketable.
While the Department of Dream Thievery up there may be ominous enough to feature as villains on Reading Rainbow, they’re not much of a threat as long as you don’t go around vividly picturing what dissidence would physically look like. For abstract thoughts such as disloyalty, intended violence or just thinking your boss is kind of a dick, the Dream Thieves can’t see jack. But that’s okay, there are whole other departments dedicated to solely to tapping into your thoughts, like the United States Army, for one!
Because hey, if there has to be a division of the government monitoring your thoughts, why not make it the armed one, with a penchant for breaking down individuality in order to instill a sense of complete obedience?
The army has recently renewed a $4 million contract with researchers at the Universities of California at Irvine, Carnegie Mellon and Maryland to do exactly that. Ostensibly, the aim of the project is developing a “thought communication” helmet that would relay troop’s commands and reports silently, but I’m not exactly Fox Mulder over here when I imply that maybe the “mind-reading helmet” will do a tad more than facilitate quiet chats when you put in the hands of the military industrial complex.
“I want to believe…that this shit isn’t true. Seriously, this is fucked.”
Right now, it’s just a helmet with 128 electrical sensors strategically placed around it. The sensors work as a kind of EEG, tuned to monitor the speech centers of the brain, so it would only pick up words, and even then only words you formed carefully, and held onto mentally. The researchers assure us that, for the time being, there’s no actual danger of it reading your mind against your will. You have to be specifically trained to operate the equipment in the first place, and even then, the communications would have to be very forceful, very simple and framed very carefully to be picked up at all.
“FUCK YOU. FUCK. YOU. F.U.C.K.Y.O.U.”
Though in time they trust that the communications will be relayed in your own voice, for now they’re played back via headphones with a robotic speech reader. It’s essentially like having a tiny robot living inside your brain that broadcasts your inner-most thoughts straight to the military – so it turns out that homeless guy outside the library that wears 17 alternating layers of flannel and saran wrap was totally right on this one!
Who’s stupid now, huh? Maybe next time you’ll listen when he tells you about how the aliens drink your piss at night to steal your emotions, smartass.
The final step toward mind control - now that they can steal your dreams and hear your thoughts - is the actual manipulation of said thoughts. Sure, the other steps are privacy invading, Orwellian nightmares-in-training, but at least even the most oppressive of dystopian novels tells us that the free will of man can always be stirred and inspired – it just has to be hidden at all costs, lest you find yourself banished to the Suppression Cube with a disloyal soldier, two socialists, a poet and a chronic masturbator.
But they don’t control you. That would be too alien, too supernatural, too fundamentally wrong, that would be… not too far off!
Neuroscientists at Arizona State University have recently been experimenting with the effects of ultrasound on human beings. Specifically, they wanted to see how ultrasound could remotely stimulate different types of brain circuit activity. And, in a completely unforeseen twist, they found out that ultrasound has absolutely no effect on the human brain, because nothing is capable of manipulating your thoughts. Free will is as invincible as it is awesome!
J/K!
They learned how to remote control human beings.
The three guys on the left were told they’re an orchestra, the guy on the floor was told he’s a horse and the lady at the bottom was just told to “suck it.”
It’s not very specific as of yet - just a vague stimulation of large areas of the brain - but there’s something they’ve been experimenting with for a while that delves a whole lot deeper: things like DBN (Deep Brain Stimulation) and VNS (Vagus Nerve Stimulation), both of which are currently used and apparently effective new techniques implemented to battle things like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, clinical depression, bi-polar disorder, drug addiction – even stuttering. But those procedures are invasive. You have to undergo extremely dangerous neurosurgery, where doctors implant wires in various parts of your brain, which are in turn connected to a battery that sits inside your chest. The battery then emits periodic jolts of electricity to the brain, with different thresholds, timing and placement depending on what condition the patient suffers from, and how intense the symptoms are. The results have been astounding so far, with long-suffering patients seeing instant, complete and lasting recovery in some cases. They describe it “like flicking a switch,” and then all of their symptoms are gone.
Now, with this ultrasound breakthrough, the potential is there to see similar effects with targeted sound waves. As the researchers themselves explain it “one prior stumbling block was the skull,” but luckily they found that “the acoustic frequencies can penetrate bone, and yet prevent damage to the soft tissues.” And there’s your first hint that this shit is insanely scary – when the researchers in question describe the human skull as a “stumbling block” to be “penetrated through.”
“If we could just get rid of this fucking thing…”
When you consider that one person’s “personality disorder,” could easily be another’s “general dislike of government policy” or even just a “lack of willingness” to work without pay on Christmas, the implications get pretty ominous. So, scientists will soon be able to fire skull-penetrating sound waves into your head to change your mood and personality. But will they? Surely this is merely for study, not for common civilian uses. That would be an ethics violation of the highest order, and no scientist working on this technology would ever suggest such a thing, right?
Actually, as lead researcher Professor Tyler puts it, “the potential applications could range from medical interventions,” like firing a sound gun at you that makes you quit drinking, to “video game uses,” like …what? Really making you feel what emotional states your space marines are going through?
The emotional range of a Space Marine: from “Fuck Yeah!” to “High Five!”
He even goes on to say it could even be used to create “artificial memories along the lines of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s character in Total Recall.” Imagine taking a vacation without actually going anywhere!”
That’s an actual quote from the actual guy that’s actually doing this, by the way.
He thinks that Total Recall was a good idea.
I guess he missed the part of that movie where it was revealed that the technology in question was either making a man betray himself in order to enforce the will of a corrupt corporation that literally suffocated the poor, or else it was all the deluded fantasy of said man as he died from an embolism, trapped forever in the artificial dreams as his life ebbed away.
If they’re really trying to introduce mind control technology as something good and harmless for use in civilian applications - maybe they should avoid citing their inspirations as being directly drawn from villainous science fiction plots regarding hopeless dystopian futures populated by mutants and exploding heads.
“Let’s make this shit happen.” –Science
Although, there was a girl with three titties in that movie…
Nevermind, science. I see where you’re going with this. Keep up the good work!
This entry was posted on Tuesday, February 24th, 2009 at 11:36 pm and is filed under Science, mind, telepathy. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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September 9th, 2009 at 12:45 am
hi, being a mind control victim I cannot rule out Mind Control Devices or Brain Frequency Machines which alter your mood and thoughts. Ultrasound does have effect on your mind. Voice can be modulated into ultrasound waves and focused on your brain where your brain will understand the voice but not your ears. I stay in India in a remote village far from techonology and I am writing this. Being experienced them for years I call them Thought Intercepting Devices and Behavior Manipulating Devices which when appliled on you can create havoc and make you a slimy worm in the view of people.
September 1st, 2009 at 2:06 pm
Mind control research has been going on since the fifties. The counter intelligence agencies already have the means to blank people memories and implant false memories, and they have had these tools since at maybe the fifties or sixties but I know they definitely had them by the seventies. They have other related tools too but there is documented evidence to prove all of this, aswell as as a large body of people in the states who have come forward and who were people who the scientists involved in this research used as guinea pigs to test it all on during the development stage. A lot this work is accomplished using drugs and hypnosis but there has also been technology which has been invented especially for this purpose. Consider this-During the fifties, there was a scientist who was employed by the u.s government and military to work on brain implants associated with the concept of mind control. There is actually footage in the public domain of this guy controlling the behavior of various animals through the use of microchips, implanted within the brain tissue of the animals. In one particular video, the good doctor is shown controlling the behaviour of a bull in a bull ring using this brain implant, which was surgically interfaced with the various parts of the animals brain which maintain movement or emotion etc. The chip was connected to various equipment which would allow the doctor to send electrical signals to whichever part of the animals brain he needed to send the electrical signals too, in order to induce the desired reaction from the bull. Cats and monkeys were another choice of animal to be used in these experiments. This actually worked, and it worked it well. The chip could control movement in any direction, and it the animal could be made angry and vicious with the flick of a switch. Later on, it was found that no implant in the brain was actually needed, if they could broadcast the same kind of signals and the same frequencies that the brain actually uses!!!! REMEMBER-This was the FIFTIES!! Can you imagine how much they could have matured this technology by now?? There is no doubt that this kind of experimentation is a disgusting violation of everything it is to be a human being. This kind of technology seeks to deprive its victims of their very basic right to be a free human being! Its unthinkable that this technology could be used on humans OR animals. A person could be turned into an automaton with this technology. Combine it with the ability to blank someones memory and youve got a remote control robot. All of this stuff is very hard to believe but every word is in fact true and can easily be checked out by anyone who has the time. There are plenty of previously classified documents which have come to light over the years thanks to the freedom of information act. The film on the doctor is also on the net although I dont have the link for it but anyone interested in seeing it should be able to find it easily enough.
August 26th, 2009 at 8:13 pm
Look I was brainwashed and now maybe being mind control? they can hear my thoughts, telepathy communicate with me?, control my dreams, I almost feel like I’m not fully sleeping, send images or visions in my head as a way of communicating with me, send me a feeling that like they are touching me, I even think he knows what’s going to happen before it even happens like he’s mind reading my day or future or something. i’ pretty sure he brainwashed me when I was on shrooms, maybe when I was sleeping bc I remember waking up half way and seeing the guy sitting on the floor smiling and looking at me as I was sleeping on the couch but being half out of it I went right back to sleep, but I’m not sure if you can be awake and get hypnotized. Maybe he even putting some kind of spell on me to have my “world revolve around him” as they said they did but how would he be about to literally hear and communicate with my mind/head? I’m only writing this because I need help. I have no clue what to do. Nor do I know much about this whole thing only what I could make from what I typed into Google, which kind of help me. Will it ever end? I’ve tried going to a hypnotist to try to get him out but nothing changed. This guy is a under the cover psycho and he fooled my best friend, but then again I truly feel like she only took his side cause she likes him! He’s fucking obsessed with me. Basically trying to mind date me. Please just hear my cry for help. I’m in need of some guidness. Nobody I told wants to believe me because he and his friends got the people I told that mind control doesn’t exist and I’m crazy. I haven’t told anyone else because I don’t want to be that crazy girl that ” hears voices” I KNOW I’m not, I can just tell it’s something beyond that with the sequences of my dreams and everything else I’m expericancing. Can someone also tell me what’s all the powers he can have, some besard things have happened like hearing him in the back round of radios, or feeling the vibration of my phone ring, ECT.
He might have done the brain wave thing when we took shrooms. I only say this because we really liked each other but I guess I was to scared to admit it to him when he admitted it to me plus I was on shrooms and at first thought I was tripping and didn’t want to look like a fool if he didn’t really say anything. Thank god I pulled away though.
This whole thing really sucks; I don’t like him anymore and want him out of my life, forever. But he won’t go away. I’m only 18 and I have my whole life ahead of me and I don’t want to be stuck with the same person forever. Not to mention I’ve realize how much of a dick he is mind dating me instead of doing it in reality and then making me lose my best friend and my friends because he made me to look like a crazy. What kind of monster could live with themselves? That’s only the shit I’m dealing with in reality and my mind it’s ten times worst it’s like he emotionally abuses me but then likes me. PLEASE HELP ME!
August 18th, 2009 at 6:22 am
Hi there, I found your blog via Google you have some very interesting posts.
April 15th, 2009 at 4:08 am
After reading the article, I just feel that I need more information on the topic. Can you suggest some resources ?
March 19th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
I love the way you write, and the content of the articles you write
KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK MAN!
March 14th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
You want mind control? I’ll give you mind control…at http://www.thelastfortressisyourmind.com
March 13th, 2009 at 11:23 pm
AKA, CLEAVAGE, SORRY GUYS!!!
March 13th, 2009 at 11:22 pm
BOOBS RULE THE WORLD!!!! MEN WILL SUCCUMB, AS USUAL, AND WOMEN WILL HAVE THEIR WAY!!
March 5th, 2009 at 8:48 am
Proffesor X here we come!
March 5th, 2009 at 1:30 am
There not space marines, there from gears of war…….?
March 4th, 2009 at 1:02 pm
theyalreadyhavethetechnology.dontthinkitsthegovernment.theycanalsointrudeinyourdreams.theywillbedemandingthings.fromallofus…
March 4th, 2009 at 11:39 am
i just scrolled down to see if there were any more boobies. didn’t read any of it. thats mind control.
March 3rd, 2009 at 10:05 pm
[...] via 3 Scientific Breakthroughs In Real Life Mind Control | Cracked.com. [...]
March 3rd, 2009 at 1:54 pm
Anyone ever think that science is either going too far, or needs to chill the fuck out and focus on something else?
Seriously, the whole innocent scientist’s creation is used for evil shit happens too often, don’t those fuckers know what they’re doing?
I don’t want to join an underground resistance, that sounds like a lot of work.
March 3rd, 2009 at 8:38 am
[...] Three scientific breakthroughs in real life mind control. [...]
March 3rd, 2009 at 4:10 am
[...] 3 Scientific Breakthroughs In Real Life Mind Control [...]
March 1st, 2009 at 11:11 pm
hahaha, bit of a shock to see my own college is at the forefront of one of these technologies. must send to friends.
February 27th, 2009 at 9:41 pm
[...] 3 Scientific Breakthroughs In Real Life Mind Control [...]
February 27th, 2009 at 1:53 am
well hey, as long I can make women take off their clothes at will I’m fine with this!
February 26th, 2009 at 5:25 pm
this invention blows away ur 3 and i was invented in 1974.
United States Patent: 3951134
http://patft.uspto.gov/netacgi/nph-Parser?Sect1=PTO1&Sect2=HITOFF&d=PALL&p=1&u=%2Fnetahtml%2FPTO%2Fsrchnum.htm&r=1&f=G&l=50&s1=3951134.PN.&OS=PN/3951134&RS=PN/3951134
“Apparatus and method for remotely monitoring and altering brain waves
Abstract
Apparatus for and method of sensing brain waves at a position remote from a subject whereby electromagnetic signals of different frequencies are simultaneously transmitted to the brain of the subject in which the signals interfere with one another to yield a waveform which is modulated by the subject’s brain waves. The interference waveform which is representative of the brain wave activity is re-transmitted by the brain to a receiver where it is demodulated and amplified. The demodulated waveform is then displayed for visual viewing and routed to a computer for further processing and analysis. The demodulated waveform also can be used to produce a compensating signal which is transmitted back to the brain to effect a desired change in electrical activity therein. “
February 26th, 2009 at 12:45 pm
Danowar,
Follow the links towards the start of each section for more information, and follow the links at the bottom of those articles for even more! It’s like this interwoven “fishnet” of information. I call it the “interfish.” I think it’s catching on.
Michael,
The fear-mongering is just schtick. All technological advancements are going to have worries and fears attached to them; the hope is that if these fears are addressed in a comedic fashion, they’ll be taken less seriously. In all actuality, I’m completely in favor of almost everything I write about. In reality, I adore science dearly, like a lover who always spurns me, because I am inept at pleasing her with my feeble maths.
oliver,
I’m sorry, “CLASSY_mingle_Co M” AND “t all_mingle coM?” Are you saying that the two are mutually exclusive? Like I have to choose between either the tall or the classy to mingle with? You know who was tall AND classy? Abraham Lincoln. And now he hates you.
February 26th, 2009 at 11:59 am
This is really interesting, but I have to ask: where exactly are you getting this information from?
February 26th, 2009 at 11:57 am
See look at this, all this work being put into discovery of how the mind works and who is it done by? Scientists! Not fucking psycologists, bunch of soft lay-abouts. Real work is done by us in the scientific areas.
All new research has the capabilities to let one group of people opress the another, however this will also open up huge swathes of potential treatment and applications for people.
I am in the british army, on a bit of a hiatus due to uni, but I would deffo say that I would not mind too much if this research was implimentated in the field if it let people communicate instantly around the battlefield.
February 26th, 2009 at 9:54 am
lol…really? I found a place that many players are hoo king up with h ot mo dels, seems the club called: __T all mingle Co M___, do you hear this before?
February 26th, 2009 at 8:24 am
[...] 3 Scientific Breakthroughs In Real Life Mind Control - [Cracked] [...]
February 26th, 2009 at 4:27 am
Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m here to speak to you today about subliminal messages in rock and roll music, or, as it’s known in some cultures, rock music. . .
February 26th, 2009 at 1:18 am
This is all part of the master plan. First you instil a fear of mind control in the general populace… then BAM! Boot to the nuts.
February 26th, 2009 at 12:12 am
February 25th, 2009 at 10:44 pm
this is good stuffs. i’ve been planning on writing the same article.
Ill send you a track back as soon I finished mine.
ciao.
February 25th, 2009 at 9:30 pm
Boob joke = deus ex machina of internet comedy
February 25th, 2009 at 8:43 pm
Great pictures.
February 25th, 2009 at 8:19 pm
Tartra,
I acknowledge your love.
FauxSamurai,
If it is all the same to you, I would rather be Dr. Mario.
Onodera,
Didn’t you know? Arnold was deep back in the day, motherfucker. He was all like “what is the nature of reality, really?” and then his eyeballs exploded and he was like this fat…woman…bomb. It was all very philosophical.
Horace,
Right now you’re thinking: “I wonder if an owl has ever choked on the bones he has to barf up after he eats a mouse.”
February 25th, 2009 at 8:00 pm
A model is looking for a good man. Please reach me as cadicecc at======== C l a s s y M i n g l e . COM ==== . Please
don’t disturb me if you are not serious.
February 25th, 2009 at 7:41 pm
Mind control this.
February 25th, 2009 at 7:06 pm
Is anyone really surprised that titties are a form of mind control?
February 25th, 2009 at 6:22 pm
This was awesome. The Oscars did you well.
February 25th, 2009 at 5:52 pm
Great article……..Hey I didn’t want to type that!
YES I DID!
February 25th, 2009 at 4:34 pm
Cracked.com Intellectual, topical and full of goddamn dick jokes.
What’s not to love?
February 25th, 2009 at 2:42 pm
ah china already has the same effect through censorship and savage beatings.
February 25th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
They need a way to read peoples minds. They’ve tried ASKING,but they don’t like the answers they’re getting.
February 25th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
This article had everything. The perfect ratio of factual information, dick jokes, and gratuitous cleavage shots. Keep up the great work, Rob!
February 25th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
Imagine what China will do with this technology and 1.5 billion mindless slaves… I for one welcome our new communist overlords.
February 25th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
The ending made me laugh. Overall, good article!
February 25th, 2009 at 1:09 pm
I got the urge to post a comment telling you how brilliant you are, but now I’m very suspicious of that feeling……..
February 25th, 2009 at 1:09 pm
you fools, you goddamn fools what have you done now!
February 25th, 2009 at 12:48 pm
The government is ALREADY trying to control our minds?! That advances my theory of gummy bear world take-over about 7.5 years. Hurrah!
February 25th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
glendoor42 said
“Imagine the the things that the government is doing that is classified, probably about ten steps above what was written about here.”
whatever man, comedy writers get top level security clearance.
February 25th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
wow its great
February 25th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
If you don’t like government policy, then you will be unhappy. If the government makes you like it with thought waves, you will surely be happy. I can’t see what the problem is.
Well, I can, but don’t tell…
February 25th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
i, for one, welcome our new mind-controling overlords.
on the other hand, it would be cool to be a member of some cyberpunkish undergroud resistance. i could finally wear leather pants without people being really evil to me.
February 25th, 2009 at 12:12 pm
Sorry but your article does not show not even the TIP OF THE ICEBERG in mind control… Check out:
http://www.mindcontrolforums.com/
Read, for example, about the LIDA machine, the electronic mind control projects of MKULTRA, etc.
February 25th, 2009 at 11:17 am
I thought the midget bitch with the Uzi in Total Recall was kind of hot too.
Technology is advancing at a rapid pace. A lot of your don’t know that the stealth fighter and bomber were flying in the 1970’s and weren’t revealed to the world until 1991, yes the government actually kept a secret for over 20 years. If those things were flying in the 1970’s imagine what they are doing now.
What is most scary about this article is the things that it talks about are things that a comedy blog writer was able to research on and write about.
Imagine the the things that the government is doing that is classified, probably about ten steps above what was written about here.
Never underestimate the power of the United States Government to fuck you!
But again the midget bitch with the Uzi in Total Recall was pretty hot.
February 25th, 2009 at 11:05 am
There’s a police officer wielding a sausage in the picture with the lady riding the man-horse.
February 25th, 2009 at 10:49 am
Brockway,
Can you guess what I am thinking?
Best,
Horace
February 25th, 2009 at 10:31 am
Three titties, you say?
Well I guess I could live with it, then.
February 25th, 2009 at 10:19 am
Robert’s posts are the best. The intersection of science, awesome, and Fucking Frightening.
February 25th, 2009 at 10:09 am
Dude there might have been mutants on total recall but lets not forget the chick with three boobs! AWESOME!
February 25th, 2009 at 9:55 am
In the part with the suppression cube. Those socialists wouldn’t be there. Hell, they were probably the ones leading the charge into the dystopian future.
February 25th, 2009 at 9:35 am
more boobs plz kthx
February 25th, 2009 at 9:27 am
better article plz kthx
February 25th, 2009 at 8:49 am
@Onodera - Didn’t you notice how Arney’s adventure was exactly what he ordered?
@Anonymous - Yeah, i’d be more inclined to believe that Buddhist Schmonks could read people’s intentions if they hadn’t allowed someone to steal a priceless 3,000 pound bell under their noses.
February 25th, 2009 at 8:32 am
Wow. I’m terrified of the implications of this, Brockway.
Though I get where you’re going with the whole three-boobies thing… I mean c’mon…
BOOBIES.
February 25th, 2009 at 8:24 am
“For most of you reading this right now, that’s probably something about boobs or Transformers or, if you’re a regular reader here: transforming boobs. … However, some people are a bit more complicated than that. Like women, for example.”
I was indeed thinking of Transformers (not the boobs, though) while reading this. However, I am also female. Should this bother me? Because it isn’t.
Also, kudos for making some insanely scary shit hilariously funny.
February 25th, 2009 at 7:44 am
This article was great, very funny. Or maybe it’s Brockway using mind control to make me say that.
Oh god, he’s making me touch myself now. Brockway stop it, please, this is getting out of hand.
February 25th, 2009 at 7:35 am
Number 3 seems eerily close to that Michael Crichton novel “The Terminal Man”, except in the book the guy starts triggering the impulses all the time, goes bat-shit, and clubs a man’s face off with a pipe after murdering a hooker with a screwdriver. Sounds like a good idea, I fully endorse it.
February 25th, 2009 at 6:57 am
You have just opened another level of Total Recall. I never knew it was such a deep movie. That’s “heavy.”
February 25th, 2009 at 4:56 am
I’m a scientist, working on the very process of mind control. Very soon I will have the ability to get people to suck me off, and I WON’T HAVE TO PAY! Science is fucking great, people!
February 25th, 2009 at 4:49 am
I do like it when P.K.D is talked about, I like it even more when it it’s funny. Good words.
February 25th, 2009 at 3:40 am
“Hint : Extremely Marketable” Loved it, for about 10 seconds, then I was done and kept reading the article. Great work Brockway. You’re no DOB but you’re getting better. Keep it up, the ladies like that.
February 25th, 2009 at 3:28 am
#1 means that soon David Lynch will need neither a camera nor actors.
February 25th, 2009 at 2:54 am
“And, in a completely unforeseen twist, they found out that ultrasound has absolutely no effect on the human brain, because nothing is capable of manipulating your thoughts. Free will is as invincible as it is awesome!
J/K!
They learned how to remote control human beings.”
Best joke I have read on Cracked so far, great article!
February 25th, 2009 at 2:23 am
Ah cig smoking flip-off hobo. You’ve been missed.
February 25th, 2009 at 2:22 am
There is already a marketable method of mind control: Boobs.
Great article.
Did anybody notice the dude in the backround blowing the broom in the fancy opera mayhem picture. That was worse than seeing Jack Nicolson giving me the date-rape stare.
Ample boobage saved the day and made the article awesome (mind control).
February 25th, 2009 at 1:44 am
That is the best SFW titty pic ever.
February 25th, 2009 at 1:39 am
The Three titties whore was the best part of that movie
February 25th, 2009 at 1:20 am
I was daydreaming about a machine that controlled people through sound waves earlier this week. And now it’s ON THE INTERNET! I knew one day I’d wear a tinfoil hat…just not like this…
Stop stealing my thoughts Cracked Writing Staff or I’ll have to whip out my urine-stained stolen hotel blanket which uses static electricity to deflect Thought Stealing Devices back to the machine which causes a feedback loop that shorts out all replicants in a three-mile radius (and yes I know half your staff have already been replaced with replicants dammit)!
February 25th, 2009 at 1:12 am
Actually, there’s already a way to know people’s intentions and get an idea of what they’re thinking: become a fucking Buddhist monk. But seriously, I know someone who was a Buddhist monk for years and he can always tell what I’m thinking from one glance. According to him, he’s “reading my aura”
February 25th, 2009 at 12:33 am
This is the best Brockway post I’ve seen yet. No longer is he Dr. Mario to DOB’s Tetris. No longer is he Antz to DOB’s Bug’s Life. No longer is he Disney’s remake of Doug to DOB’s …… the original Doug.
Good show, Brockway. You win to begin with. Then you surpass win with the gratuitous use of Total Recall.
February 25th, 2009 at 12:10 am
third bitches. fuck yeah!
February 25th, 2009 at 12:09 am
I never said that shit about aliens drinking piss. I was totally framed. However, I did say that babies were evil. Fucking truth.
February 24th, 2009 at 10:43 pm
NOT FIRST