Thursday. February 26. Whatever Year We’re Currently In.
I called Evans, my reluctant assistant/eventual fall guy at around 1:00pm. He picked up after one ring.
“Evans,” I barked into the phone. Then I just barked a few times. Evans is a fantastic assistant, but sometimes he needs a few good barks to knock him down a peg or two. Under the barking, I heard him sigh on the other end.
“Yes, Mr. O’Brien?” I refused to respond to him until he addressed me by my official title. With great hesitation, he does.
“Yes, Lieutenant Colonel Dr. O’Brien?”
“Atta boy. Come to my office, I want to bark at you for a little bit.”
“Ugh.”
I’m nowhere near important or busy enough to require an assistant, but God knows I sure love having one around. He always does his work on time, and he does a damn good job, too (I imagine. I’ve never actually checked any of the random assignments I’ve had him do. One of these days, though.) Additionally, as any Internet writer will tell you, it’s impossible to write in a vacuum, so it’s good to have Evans around so I can bounce ideas (or, alternately, this tennis ball I found in the parking lot) off of him. Also I forget to pack lunch a lot, so I can always rely on Evans to not be aware that I’ve been stealing his.
Evans approached quickly and tensely, like a man who was often pelted with stolen apples. A brown, leather messenger bag was slung over his shoulder, and a giant top hat sat elegantly atop his head. One of these things was part of the mandatory dress code I’d assigned him.
“Evans,” I said, stroking my slightly larger top hat, “you’re fired.” His eyes lit up.
“Really? Do you mean that?”
“Nah, I’m messing with you, you’re never getting out of here.”
“Please, don’t get my hopes up like that.” It really is unfair. I’ve been dangling this firing in front of his face for a very long time. Keep reaching, Evans. I slowly spun around in my leather desk chair, stroking my chin with one hand like a Bond villain, and adjusting the time on the clock I’d installed in my top hat with the other (also like a Bond villain, if there was a Bond villain who had such a fly hat).
“I think we both know what time it is, Mr. Bond. Hat time. I’m going to kill you.”
“Refresh my memory, Evans, what do I have you working on right now?” He took out his small, leather-bound notebook. He uses it to write down my orders and important phone numbers, as well as his own fiction and poetry. Sometimes when he’s not looking, I slip in pictures of my wiener between the pages. He reached the page that had my latest batch of instructions and started reading.
“Mornings, you have me hanging around Hannah Montana forums, drawing comparisons between whatever project she’s currently working on and Nazism. Most afternoons, you have me either washing your car or breaking into Jack’s house and replacing all of the pictures in his picture frames with photos of you, and…let’s see. Here it is, last night, at about 3am, you called me up and mumbled something about a parachute made out of bacon.”
“Yes! And what progress have you made on the Porkachute?”
“So far, none, sir, but in fairness, you told me about this last night. Also, what you’re asking for isn’t technically possible.”
“Right, this all sounds like really great stuff,” I said, my mind wandering as I absently dug around in my bellybutton for awhile. “As much as I love what you’re probably doing, I want you to drop everything and work on something new. Evans, I’ve expressed my love for Watchmen before, right? Well, there’s a Watchmen press screening at the Ancient Chinese Secret Theater, this Monday. Did you know that?”
“It’s- that’s not what it’s called. It’s Grauman’s Chinese Theater, but yes, I was aware of it.”
“Whatever. Now, I have it on good authority that Entertainment Weekly’s Owen Gleiberman will be attending, so he can review it for their magazine.”
“Alright,” Evans said. His eyes narrowed, and suspicion was growing on his face, like a beard, which was also growing (on his face).
“Gleiberman has been with EW since day one, and I’ve always found his reviews to be very fair and thoughtful. He’s never pandering, but he’s not elitist either. He’s right in the middle, and I really respect his opinion.”
“Okay. What does that have to do with… anything?”
“Oh, I want you to break his legs and steal his press passes. Here’s his address.” I handed him a slip of paper with Owen’s address on it. Let’s just say the Editor of Entertainment Weekly owes me a favor (I kidnapped his son.)
“Whoa, you want me to steal Owen Gleiberman’s press pass?”
“Press passes, Evans, plural. I want to bring a date. Probably your sister, how is she, by the way?”
“She’s 15.”
Yeah. Finally.
“I expect those passes on my desk by five, Evans. Maybe a picture of Owen Gleiberman crying, if you can manage it.”
“This- can’t you just call the theater and get a pass yourself? Wouldn’t you be included in this sort of thing anyway? As a matter of fact, I read on the press release that online bloggers and writers were welcome.” Ah, reading. It was Evans’s literacy that got him this job.
“Evans, pretend for a moment that I didn’t read this press release. Humor me. What’d it say I should do?”
“It said that anyone affiliated with some form of press could attend, and it gave you a list of numbers to call to get your tickets.”
“I see. And isn’t it your responsibility to get me those numbers?”
“It is, which is why I printed them out.”
“Uh huh. And did you ever give me this print out?”
“Yes.”
“Evans, pretend for moment that I don’t know where I put the page you printed out. Humor me. Where is it?”
“It looks like it’s tucked into your shirt.” Ah, looking at things. It was Evans’s knack for looking at things that got him this job.
“Tucked into my shirt, yes, I see that. Now, why did I do that?”
“If I had to guess, I’d say you were using it as a bib. It’s covered in barbecue sauce, and it looks like some Skittles are stuck on there, too.” I looked down and, sure enough, everything that Evans was describing was true. I pulled the makeshift bib out of my shirt. Luckily, all of the numbers I needed to call would be completely readable, once I’d given the paper a few strong lickings.
With two fingers deep in my bellybutton and the juiciest part of this press release dangling from my greasy mouth, I asked Evans the big question:
“How do I translate any of what you’re saying into getting free Watchmen tickets for your sister and me?”
“Just call up one of those numbers and ask for one. Tell them you’re a writer.”
“‘Writer?’ I barely know her!” I laughed for about six minutes.
“Will that be all, then, boss? I’ve really got a lot of paperwork to do.”
“Yeah, that’s probably all I need from you for right now. Excellent work as usual. You keep it up and you just might get that firing you’ve been begging me for.”
“Don’t tease me, Lt. Col. Dr. DOB. Alright, I’m going to head back to work. Let me know if you need anything else.”
“‘Anything else?’ I barely know her!”
“I don’t think you know how that joke works.”
“Works? I barely-” But Evans was already gone. I wrote down “barely know her” so I could remember it for next time, because I know how much Evans likes my funny funny jokes.
I thoroughly licked my info page-bib and went over it diligently, peeling off skittles as I went. Sure enough, they were inviting all members of the press, even from the retarded Internet. I couldn’t believe it. This is perfect, I thought, as I sucked on a barbecue-sauce-drenched Skittle. I forget sometimes that Cracked.com is a wildly popular and influential website and that, as an employee of that website, I’m entitled to tickets to fancy Hollywood events, and bottles of fancy Hollywood cocaine (I also think it means I’m allowed to have sex with Denise Richards at least once, but I’m not positive). There were three different numbers to call on the press release- one for online, one for print and one for TV. I called up the representative for the Online Press branch, who I’ll call “Orna.”
Because that was her name.*
[EDITOR'S NOTE: As anyone who was in the Cracked offices on February 26th can attest, what follows is a pretty honest account of how these five conversations actually went. Unfortunately.]
Call # 1: Orna, Warner Bros.’ Online Press Representative:
ORNA: Orna [last name deleted]?
DOB: Orna, hi, this is Dan O’Brien. Regarding the Watchmen premier, I’m calling from-
ORNA: Sorry, we’re totally full.
DOB:…I’m calling from Cracked.com, it’s a comedy Internet, and I-
ORNA: We’re totally full, I’m sorry.
DOB: …And I’d like press tickets for the premier. Internet.
[Pause]
ORNA: Again, we’re completely full.
DOB: No, but I want a press ticket, for me, for the premier. I’m huge on the Internet.
ORNA: I’m sorry.
-CLICK.-
RESULT: Not great, but I’m still optimistic. To tell the truth, I was a little late to the game. Every idiot with a website probably already called and reserved the spots set aside for Online Press so, in retrospect, I didn’t have a chance. But what I did have was the number for the Print Press representative. I also have incredibly negotiable morals that make it really easy to lie to people. People like Gina [last name deleted].
Call # 2: Gina, Warner Bros.’ Print Press Representative:
GINA: Afternoon, this is Gina.
DOB: Hi, this is Dan O’Brien with Cracked dot— (Shit. Think fast.)…Magazine… Cracked. Dot. Magazine. (That wasn’t fast at all!)
GINA: I’m sorry…Cracked Dot Magazine?
DOB: Yep, that’s us.
GINA: ‘Cracked’ like ‘broken?’
[Labored sigh.]
DOB: Yes. ‘Cracked’ like ‘broken.’
[Pause.]
DOB: Dot Magazine.
GINA: Okay, how can I help you?
[This part is crucial, DOB. You need to charm her before she has time to lookup 'Cracked Dot Magazine.' Charm her, dammit.]
DOB: I want Watchmen tickets for me, please. Free. I’m with the Press, so they’d be free, for Monday, at the Chinese…Chinaman’s Theater.
[Smooth.]
GINA: Grauman’s Chinese Theater?
DOB: Sure.
GINA: I’m sorry, but we’re all out.
DOB: No, but for the press. I’m with…(Don’t you dare say it again.) A magazine.
GINA: I understand, but we’re still out, unfortunately.
DOB: Okay, but, just what about one, for just Daniel?
GINA: Who’s Daniel?
DOB: I’m Daniel.
GINA: What magazine did you say you were with.
-CLICK.-
RESULT: Again, not totally terrific, but I feel like we’re getting closer. True, I didn’t technically get the tickets, but Gina sounded really attractive, so on the whole, the call was very pleasant. Also, I still had another trick up my sleeve of ethical flexibility. It was time to call Warner Brothers
on behalf of television.
Call # 3: Kim, Warner Bros.’ Television Press Representative:
KIM: This is Kim.
DOB: This is Dan O’Brien with [series of unintelligible slurs to cloud the fact that I'm not technically affiliated with a television station.]
KIM:…
DOB: I’m calling regarding acquiring press passes for this Sunday’s Watchmen premier.
KIM: I’m sorry, we’re filled past capacity at this point.
DOB: (Enthusiastically.) Okay.
KIM: Oh… So there’s… There’s no room, anymore, we can’t fit anyone else in.
DOB: Ah.
KIM: I’m sorry.
DOB: I see.
[At this point, I stopped really caring about the press screening. I just wanted to not pay for the movie.]
KIM: So I guess there’s nothing we can-
DOB: No, no, hold on. What about another time?
KIM: What? Monday is our only press screening.
DOB: Uh huh.
KIM: And then…and then the movie opens.
DOB: Right, it’s cool that I can’t get to the press screening, but can you just give me tickets to, like, a Friday showing or whatever? At an AMC or
something? I can send you the addresses of AMCs in my area and you can just tell them it’s okay to let me in. I’ll take a Wednesday.
KIM: No, we don’t… We don’t do that. We don’t just give out tickets. Who are you with again?
DOB: TV, television, Inter- Uh, thanks for everything, have a great day.
-CLICK.-
Result: Okay, so while I didn’t exactly nail the dismount, I think, in general, that call went better than the first two. Unfortunately, I ran out of Warner Brothers contacts but, luckily, I was going to go above and beyond Warner Brothers. Let it never be said that Ole’ Dirty Dan O’Brien the Bastard, (ODDOBB) has a shortage of tricks up his sleeves. I decided to call Paramount, Watchmen’s distributor, probably.
Call # 4: Schalah, Paramount Pictures. I Forget What Her Title is:
SCHALAH: This is Schalah.
DOB: This is Dan O’Brien with Internet.
SCHALAH: Terrific! How can I help you?
DOB: I’d like free tickets to Watchmen for Monday, please.
SCHALAH: …Excuse me?
DOB: The Watchmen premier, the press screening. It’s this Monday and I am the Internet and I’d like a ticket, please.
SCHALAH: No, I know that but… I’m… This is Paramount Studios International. I- We have nothing to do with giving out the tickets, we’re in charge of… everything else. We’re Paramount Studios International. That’s not at all something that we take care of. You need to contact people at Warner Brothers, or the theater.
DOB: I did, and they said they didn’t have any.
SCHALAH: So…
DOB: So I was just checking if you personally had any. Like, hidden somewhere.
SCHALAH: No… No I do not.
DOB: Like in a drawer.
SCHALAH: I’m in charge of getting the red carpet set up.
DOB: Dammit. Alright.
Result: Shut up. Remember what I said about my sleeves? And all the tricks concealed therein? That still applies.
Call # 5: Bebe, Cruel and Unusual Films:
BEBE: Bebe’s office.
DOB: Hi, Bebe, is this Cruel and Unusual Films?
BEBE: Yes it is.
DOB: Thank you, Bebe, and this is Zack Snyder’s company, right?
BEBE: That’s right.
DOB: And with whom am I currently speaking… with?
BEBE: … I’m Bebe.
DOB: Right. This is Dan O’Brien, from the Internet.
BEBE: Okay.
DOB: I’m calling about this Monday’s Watchmen premier, about getting press passes.
BEBE: Oh!, Okay, let me check on something, hold please.
(Holy Shit. Holy Shit. Holy Shit. Holy Shit.)
BEBE: Hello? I’m sorry, who did you say you were with?
DOB: The…Internet?
BEBE: The Internet.
DOB: Cracked? Cracked.com?
BEBE: I’m sorry, Crack?
DOB: No, Cracked….Cracked.
BEBE: Oh, Cracked.com, I’m sorry, yes, I know your site.
(What?!)
DOB: Terrific. Now, about those tickets…
BEBE: Yes, I’m pretty sure you need to go through Warner Brothers for that.
DOB: They said…to call you.
BEBE: Did they?
DOB: …Not, with words or anything, but in a way, yeah.
BEBE: Well there’s a mistake, then, because we don’t have any. I can give you the number of their Online Print-
-CLICK.
Result: Dammit. I tried every branch of Warner Bros., Paramount Studios, and finally the director of the film, and none of it worked. What the hell does it take to see Watchmen? Money? Horseshit. Okay. Okay. I still have one more plan.
Call # 6: The Undiscovered Country:
JARVIS: Hello, you’ve reached Guest Services for AMC Movie Theaters, this is Jarvis speaking, how can I help you?
DOB: (Shouting) Give me free Watchmen tickets!
JARVIS: No.
DOB: FUCK YOU, JARVIS.
The Result: I don’t know what you want, America. I’ve done everything I could think of, short of actually paying for this movie, (an idea that still strikes me as ludicrous). I didn’t include the transcripts, but when I hung up with Jarvis, I called eight other random phone numbers barking about free Watchmen tickets, and no one thinks I deserve them. Some of them hadn’t even heard of the movie or, more devastatingly, of me.
You’re lucky, Zack Snyder. If I wasn’t planning on paying for this movie with money I’d stolen from Evans, you just might have a very angry fan on your hands.
* That isn’t, I should say, her picture. For some reason, no one I called was comfortable with sending me pictures of themselves.
This entry was posted on Friday, February 27th, 2009 at 5:00 am and is filed under Celebrities, Music, TV, Uncategorized, Video Games. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 15th, 2009 at 9:28 am
oh my fucking god, i haven’t laughed so hard in a long time! xD this is really great stuff!!!
September 23rd, 2009 at 4:48 pm
COULD NOT STOP LAUGHING AT WORK BLOODY BRILLIANT!!!!!!!!!!!!! “FUCK U JARIVS!!!” AAAAWWWHAHAHA
August 14th, 2009 at 7:14 pm
That was completely excellent.
June 19th, 2009 at 10:13 am
fucking brilliant.
May 13th, 2009 at 3:49 pm
Best written humor article ive ever read. So many random funny things.
May 13th, 2009 at 11:40 am
That was the greatest aritcle ive read in years. It actually made me laugh. Great job. The barking was so random and instantly classic.
May 7th, 2009 at 1:19 pm
My girlfriend’s father is an actual Lieutenant Colonel Doctor in the Indian Army. I have never been so scared.
April 30th, 2009 at 2:20 pm
Great… or… greatest??
I’m definitely going with greatest. You are my favourite cracked columnist, O’Brien. (Please ignore the fact that I have Gladstone on my facebook and just finished writing a nice comment to Seanbaby, and know that you are from here on in the only one in my heart.)
April 8th, 2009 at 1:11 pm
“DOB: The Watchmen premier, the press screening. It’s this Monday and I am the Internet and I’d like a ticket, please.”
I am the Internet haha… died reading that.
March 26th, 2009 at 10:27 pm
you fucking rock, o’brian
this evans person actually sounds like a friend of mine of dubious sexuality, whose first name is ironcially brian…hmm, im going to have to ask him what he does on the weekends these days…
hah
and i would actually really like to read about how hanna montana is similar to the nazis
cuz surely thats got to be an insult to nazis somehow…
March 20th, 2009 at 6:29 pm
[...] My Heroic Quest to Attend the ‘Watchmen’ Premiere By: Daniel O’Brien « [...]
March 20th, 2009 at 6:18 am
WAAAAY TL;DR
March 16th, 2009 at 5:36 am
truly inspiring
not only the best thing I’ve read all day, but the first too
March 4th, 2009 at 5:44 pm
I watched it yesterday and it was awesome. Really good attention to detail and indeed they changed the ending but for the better, they made it more coherent than a giant squid with a human brain and psychic powers that came from “space”.
March 4th, 2009 at 5:14 pm
In your face, DOB! I’m getting a free pass to the opening night of Watchmen so I can write a review for my local paper.
Sure it’s not a sneak-peek, but it is FREE.
What a fucking loser.
March 3rd, 2009 at 3:29 pm
I got free tickets - you can get them purchasing any xbox live product at best buy (technically not free - but they came with a one month gold pass).
March 3rd, 2009 at 10:04 am
Nice!! What’s wrong with these people!!
March 3rd, 2009 at 7:59 am
DOB, you could just pay for the movie and then after it’s over, go to the counter and demand a refund for whatever reason (ie THEY CHANGED THE ENDING). If they refuse, spoil everything for the people waiting in line for the next showing (ie, by loudly telling them what the new ending is)
Never give up.
Personally, as long as I still get the same feelings from viewing as I did from reading, I’ll be satisfied. I know the original can never be fully and exactly translated to a movie so my expectations are adjusted accordingly.
March 3rd, 2009 at 4:27 am
Lt. Col. Dr. DOB, you know I’m not a Watchmen fan, but this was truly hilarious. So was the premier last night? Did you crash it or what?
March 2nd, 2009 at 8:37 pm
Oh, I almost forgot, DOB.
“She’s 15.”
“Yeah. Finally.”
Subtle “Drowning Mona” reference?
March 2nd, 2009 at 8:35 pm
A mom joke, a gay joke, and a wiener inferiority joke all in one sentence? J-Pappi, you are my new hero.
Besides, we don’t even have to worry about the popcorn anymore. I just realized this weekend that none of the containers at the theater are tall enough so my dick doesn’t peek out of them like a periscope.
March 2nd, 2009 at 7:38 pm
I will not eat for a week and watch Watchmen twelve times. Or for how many times my allowance will permit.
I almost come when I see the billboards.
March 2nd, 2009 at 4:07 pm
hahahahah FUCK YOU JARVIS HAHAHAHA
March 2nd, 2009 at 3:02 pm
[...] My Heroic Quest to Attend the ‘Watchmen‘ Premiere | Cracked.com Thursday. February 26. Whatever Year We’re Currently In. I called Evans, my reluctant assistant/eventual fall guy at around 1:00pm. http://www.cracked.com/blog/why-wont-anyone-give-me-watchmen-tickets/ - 217k - Cached - Similar pages [...]
March 2nd, 2009 at 1:12 pm
“‘Writer?’ I barely know her!” I laughed for about six minutes.
“‘Anything else?’ I barely know her!”
“Works? I barely-” But Evans was already gone. I wrote down “barely know her” so I could remember it for next time, because I know how much Evans likes my funny funny jokes.
Why did I feel the need to copy and paste these sentences into the comment section when they are clearly already printed above? I will tell you why… Because they made me laugh outloud in an office full of people and they were all staring at me like I was retarded or insane (one of which I actually might be).
This was just amazing… Freakin’… Amazing…
March 2nd, 2009 at 8:09 am
What the hell do you mean, “your comment is awaiting moderation?” If I wanted my comments moderated, I wouldn’t post here. WTF?
March 2nd, 2009 at 7:51 am
A snow day in Georgia! Unfortunately, I can’t even get off my frozen porch without busting my ass.
DP13, bring your mom along and we can double date. I’ll let you borrow my wiener-hole popcorn box for DOB when I’m done with it. Just make sure you wrap something around the base so popcorn doesn’t fall out all the extra space when you use it.
Daniel, sounds like you got a hook-up with Snuggles’ sister coming. I recommend giving her some unicorn stickers for her pink cell phone on the first date. This will occupy her long enough to not notice what you slip in her coke.
March 1st, 2009 at 11:05 pm
Solid Gold!
I wish I had a sidekick that I could throw stolen apples at. I think that is a sign that as a person you have truly made it.
March 1st, 2009 at 9:28 pm
Thankfully, Glendoor, the snow here in Georgia is sticking JUST enough for me to get out of work (not that I planned on going, anyway)
Also, 100 Bit@#es!
March 1st, 2009 at 2:49 pm
If this is a true story, is the film industry really this saturated with people who have ridiculous names? They’d better all have last names like Spankworth and Fistberg and Shodan, to balance it out.
March 1st, 2009 at 1:12 pm
Also in the picture off you above, you look different, did you get your hair cut or something?
March 1st, 2009 at 12:48 pm
brilliant!
as per usual
March 1st, 2009 at 12:31 pm
Screw MJ-89’s idea; tell me what theatre you’re going to, and I’ll pay for two tickets online.
March 1st, 2009 at 12:17 pm
It’s fucking snowing, not flurrying (?), but really fucking snowing hard. It’s not sticking though.
To put this in perspective, the last time it snowed here, extreme Southeast Alabama, was 1995, 14 years ago. It stuck that time but melted by noon.
Great article DOB, have your babies and tickets to Watchmen and shit like that.
March 1st, 2009 at 9:19 am
Man Ypu have been splippin the last few articles Dan the spam O brien, and i almost couldnt read this till the call transcripts, FUNNY!!!
OH YEA YOU LLOOK LIKE TIM FROM THE BRITISH OFFICE
March 1st, 2009 at 2:09 am
DOB…dude…send me your address and I will totally mail you Watchmen tickets. And probably not rob you. Promise.
March 1st, 2009 at 1:42 am
Ahhhh Dan. Lt. Col. Dr.
You rule.
You have made me very happy.
February 28th, 2009 at 11:57 pm
God damn, that was awesome. I had a plan similar to that, but unfortunately I was too lazy to act on the “Go to the ‘Watchmen’ premier free” contest. Now I have to rely on my 18 year-old friend to get me in. Also unfortunately, he doesn’t have ID. I may have to muscle my way into the theatre.
February 28th, 2009 at 10:47 pm
DOB is the best.
February 28th, 2009 at 7:36 pm
Great article. This one was so much more lively and energetic than usual. You never fail to work in a “I barely know her joke”.
February 28th, 2009 at 6:20 pm
Hates Kendall with the fiery intensity of a thousand suns.
well, maybe i should sub “hate” with “envy” but still
February 28th, 2009 at 6:19 pm
Well- I just got to see it today.
Man, Doc’s blue genitals are on full display…
…curse you DOB for making me check.
February 28th, 2009 at 5:41 pm
I was AT that screening! The movie is not very good. And Zach Snyder changed the ending. Oh yeah: [spoiler]
February 28th, 2009 at 4:38 pm
Bravo. Hilarious
February 28th, 2009 at 4:21 pm
this is good. me like.
February 28th, 2009 at 11:16 am
You should’ve come out to Austin.
There was a free premier open to the public at the Alamo Drafthouse on the 23.
I’m just gonna go ahead and say that the movie was amazing.
February 28th, 2009 at 9:26 am
LOL, “writer, I barely know her”
February 28th, 2009 at 8:04 am
P.S. If you come to Toronto I can hook you up with free tix!
February 28th, 2009 at 8:04 am
As always, DOB, you never fail to impress and amuse.
But shit, the Jarvis part got me laughing SO hard! Good thing I’m at home and not in class.
February 28th, 2009 at 7:54 am
Well, when you are tired of looking at Laurie Juspeczyk’s tits, you’ll know that a real woman is over here, in Jerzey, ready to take over that very, very complicated job.
V. funny, babe.
February 28th, 2009 at 7:39 am
Brilliant
February 28th, 2009 at 7:25 am
Something about arrogant internet writers is just amazing.
February 28th, 2009 at 5:34 am
“She’s 15.”
Yeah. Finally.
—
Man, that’s the funniest thing I’ve read in ages. If Evans ever does get that firing he deserves, give me a call.
February 28th, 2009 at 4:42 am
Dan O’Brien IS…
… The Internet.
February 28th, 2009 at 4:22 am
If I were a pretty young woman, I’d be Gina.
February 28th, 2009 at 3:14 am
My sister insisted I tell you that she loved thet article and that she is 15.
February 28th, 2009 at 3:02 am
The movie’s TOTALLY going to suck! They’re going to do stupid Hollywood bullshit to all the characters, like make THE COMEDIAN LAURIE’S FATHER… or make it so RORSCHACH ENDS UP BEING A PSYCHOLOGICAL-UNDERDEVELOPED GINGER WITH FREUDIAN ISSUES AND AN UNCEREMONIOUS DEATH AT THE HANDS OF DR. MANHATTAN… or over-simplify the story so that OZYMANDIAS ENDS UP BEING THE UNKNOWN ANTAGONIST WHO SUCCEEDS IN MURDERING THOUSANDS OF INNOCENT PEOPLE SIMPLY BECAUSE IT’S ACTUALLY RESULTED IN WORLD PEACE… then I’m going to be so pissed.
February 28th, 2009 at 2:19 am
DOB, we should put your face on the hundred dollar bill because you’re telling hundred-dollar jokes!!! Too bad you’ll never get to see one
February 28th, 2009 at 12:51 am
Ahhhhhhhhh…. Perfection.
February 28th, 2009 at 12:39 am
i would have posted a comment but jarvis kept me from doing anything, and then he threw me out on my face.
February 27th, 2009 at 11:22 pm
Hilarious stuff… ‘F*** YOU JARVIS’ XD
February 27th, 2009 at 11:12 pm
Awesome artical really funny, too bad about not being able to get those free Watchmen tickets though. Also where can get one of those top hats with clocks in them?
February 27th, 2009 at 11:11 pm
dem bitchez is taste.
February 27th, 2009 at 10:05 pm
Love your work. Just love it.
I tell ya what, if you give me your home address and banking details I will totally give you money for the tickets and not stalk you/steal your money at all. O_O
February 27th, 2009 at 8:51 pm
Absolutely hilarious !
FUCK YOU JARVIS !
February 27th, 2009 at 8:21 pm
outfuckingstanding! the whole cracked dot magazine bit was my favorite.
February 27th, 2009 at 7:28 pm
Thank God somebody’s finally had the courage to call out Gleiberman on being the competent critic he’s always been. Good job DOB for shouting the truths THEY don’t want us to know.
Also, I’ve always felt his legs should be broken. Builds character.
February 27th, 2009 at 7:22 pm
Hey Dan come over my house on Wednesday and we’ll go see Watchmen. I’ll pay for it and I’ll even buy some popcorn.
I promise I won’t even cut a wiener hole in it.
February 27th, 2009 at 6:25 pm
You’ve outdone yourself dob. This is one of the best things I’ve ever read.
February 27th, 2009 at 5:18 pm
I have advance Watchmen tickets. Jealous? You should have called Canada DOB.
February 27th, 2009 at 5:04 pm
I’ll tell you something else Dan, I don’t know why, but I find your printing fucking hilarious.
Your note on the apple just strikes me as funny. I am back on painkillers though, got dog bit and it got infected.
February 27th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
You know DOB, there was a Bond villain (actually, more of an inept sidekick) that did have a fly hat and a name that was strikingly similar to ODDOBB.
February 27th, 2009 at 3:58 pm
If Spiderman Jesus boned Jenna Fisher and she gave birth to a full grown internet writer, that writer would be DOB.
February 27th, 2009 at 3:49 pm
“It’s this Monday and I am the Internet and I’d like a ticket, please.”
ROFL
February 27th, 2009 at 2:37 pm
…I mean Lieutenant Colonel Dr. Dan O’Brien….Sir.
February 27th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
that Jarvis picture looks kinda like Booker T… from TNA… thats wrestling… anyone?
February 27th, 2009 at 2:07 pm
Why would you take Evan’s sister to the premier? We had talked about you and I going to the premier. I even had the outfit you love picked out for the premier event on the red carpet. You did tell me you are invited to the red carpet premier!! You aren’t making that up are you?!?!
You are lucky I love you and your deep dicking ODDOBB!! I love that pet name for you. I always call you that, but you are now sharing that with everyone.
*Sigh*
I still love you DOB!
February 27th, 2009 at 2:03 pm
I just read Watchmen, and soon I shall be watching it.
February 27th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
Every time I start to talk to someone about the Craption Contest, or a funny article, or an certain award winning internet journalist with an almost unhealthy Watchmen obsession and several Spider-Man like qualities, the first words out of their mouth is always “Wait….Crack?” …..I feel you Dan….I feel you.
February 27th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
Anonymouse-
The scary thing was, I stared at her name before I called her trying to figure out the pronunciation, as soon as she said her name I almost instantly forgot how to pronounce it. It was the most compelling case of sudden onset retardation in medical history.
February 27th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
DOB, apparently you missed this:
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewProfile&friendID=107888674
You could’ve seen the movie on Monday in Austin, TX for free. I would’ve went if I had any way of getting there.
February 27th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
I may have said this in the past, but I love DOB’s way of making it obvious he’s a genius, but at the same time making himself out to be a moronic nutjob.
loved the top hats, the freaking out reaction to somebody actually knowing about Cracked, and the scream of FUCK YOU, JARVIS.
February 27th, 2009 at 1:55 pm
Schala…
Her name is SCHALA? As in Chrono Trigger?! Wow, her parent’s must have been real nerds to name their kid after a character in an RPG.
I’ve also looked it up, it’s not a real name (Then again, in the Japanese version it was just Sara, which IS a real name). Every other name in the game is, though. Yes, even Crono (Italian version of the Titan Cronos, the Greek god of time. Quite appropriate.)
February 27th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
“DOB: So I was just checking if you personally had any. Like, hidden somewhere.
SCHALAH: No… No I do not.
DOB: Like in a drawer.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA……HAHAHAHAHA!!!!
and Schalah is hot.
February 27th, 2009 at 1:15 pm
I like the Dr. Manhattan image you’ve got, DOB. Check out this link from Wired.com; maybe you could use the technology to make an appearance in Swaim’s next episode of Cracked TV:
Dr. Manhattan in the making
February 27th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
‘Ole’ Dirty Dan O’Brien the Bastard, (ODDOBB)’
i was dying of laughter after reading that.
February 27th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
Sweet Drowning Mona Reference!
February 27th, 2009 at 12:48 pm
My favorite articles are the ones where you relate your office adventures.
Or your adventures with Andrew Jackson.
WELL DONE.
February 27th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
One of the few times I laugh out loud to something that’s WRITTEN (as opposed to spoken) is when reading a DOB article. Truly brilliance at its best.
February 27th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
So I’m not even a fan of the Watchmen and I randomly got free tickets to see it Tuesday (early) in Chicago. I would totally send them to you, but I already promised them to a friend. Keep up the quest though.
February 27th, 2009 at 11:57 am
Speaking of not being comfortable with sending you pictures DOB, can I please have those photos of my mom back? There appearance on certain sites disturbs me greatly.
February 27th, 2009 at 11:56 am
Aw!poor DOB! no tickets for you!
February 27th, 2009 at 11:52 am
god i love this man. (refering to dob)
and gina is stupid hot.
February 27th, 2009 at 11:48 am
i think you should use the porkachute to fly through a hole in the celing of groumans that wil DEFINITLY be there. then, you have your watchmen and food to go with it!
February 27th, 2009 at 11:16 am
Hat Time. FTW. You’re pretty funny for a honky bitch.
February 27th, 2009 at 10:32 am
“FUCK YOU, JARVIS.”
rofl
February 27th, 2009 at 10:16 am
porkachute? sounds *delicious*.
February 27th, 2009 at 10:10 am
Dude, gimme your address, I’ll send you 20$ and then you can put my face on a picture that doesn’t fit me and celebrate my greatness!
February 27th, 2009 at 10:03 am
I don’t know if I like DOB in purple.
February 27th, 2009 at 9:59 am
Comments are back up!
February 27th, 2009 at 7:58 am
My flabdominals cramped up on call #6…
Partially with laughter, partially with disgust.
February 27th, 2009 at 7:54 am
Methinks DOB slept with someone’s girlfriend…
Well, DOB has slept with EVERYONE’S girlfriend at some point or another, but this one may have been more recent.
February 27th, 2009 at 7:35 am
no i know everyone has to give an email address to post a comment on this blog…so here’s the deal…i will buy DOB tickets for The Watchmen on Friday if he gives us Alex’s email address and some of you anon fuckers out there can virus the shit out him (you anon fuckers do that right?).
February 27th, 2009 at 7:29 am
lol im really startin to think my user name might be premature, dob. i think you could in fact be the internet comedy prodigy i’ve been searching for all my life.
February 27th, 2009 at 7:23 am
Fucking awesome DOB! Did you just get back from not-funny vacation? I will now take you off my list of people I’d like to sock and put you back on my list of people I’d like to lick. BTW: I had six extra tickets to the “Watchmen” premiere but I didn’t feel like going. I used them to wipe my ass.
February 27th, 2009 at 7:22 am
hahaha, loved it! Man, you guys should record all your telephone conversations, it’d be hilarious to hear! Great job, DOB!
February 27th, 2009 at 7:21 am
There’s a reason you’re my favorite person on Cracked. Hilarious!
February 27th, 2009 at 7:18 am
This was totally hilarious.
February 27th, 2009 at 7:07 am
HILARIOUS! I can’t believe I’ve only discovered this website today! There goes my productivity/work ethic…
February 27th, 2009 at 7:06 am
I’m shocked on your behalf that no one would give you tickets. Especially Jarvis. What a dick. Austin just had a free screening on Monday as well. It was some myspace thing and I couldn’t go unfortunately, but I hear the movie is good so at least there is that.
February 27th, 2009 at 7:00 am
What’s a Watchmen?
February 27th, 2009 at 6:56 am
Orla looks very much like a girl I know from work, even the glasses, freaky.
February 27th, 2009 at 6:54 am
Schalah? Like from Chrono Trigger?
February 27th, 2009 at 6:44 am
Sooo…is Hal going to open the pod bay doors?
February 27th, 2009 at 6:42 am
STOP THE PRESS!
I just need to know one thing: what’s the phone number you used to call “Gina”? Because, wow. You don’t mind if I call her, do you? I mean, you guys are over, right? After that one phone call? Great, thanks!
February 27th, 2009 at 6:38 am
Great job as always ODDOBB!
February 27th, 2009 at 6:37 am
Wow, Jack let you have an assistant, DOB? What did you do to him to get that?
February 27th, 2009 at 6:37 am
I think I read somewhere that Dan O’Brien is a honky bitch. Is this true?
February 27th, 2009 at 6:32 am
Seen it!!!
Went to the world premiere and it f*cking rocked.
Better bow out now before the jealous bitch-slapping begins….
February 27th, 2009 at 6:18 am
Hilarious article. Good Job!
February 27th, 2009 at 5:39 am
You know when you c&p the bit you liked, to show everyone how good a sense of humor you have? It’d be TL;DR.
Marvelous work, DOB.
February 27th, 2009 at 5:36 am
This is amazing, I love you.
February 27th, 2009 at 5:34 am
Along with the clock-hat, you’ve invented BBQ-flavoured Skittles. I think you may get just enough money to not only pay for the ticket, but buy the theatre, buy the red carpet, buy the director, and have enough leftover to gild your dick. Won’t that be fun, DOB? Watching Watchmen with gold in your pants?
February 27th, 2009 at 5:33 am
excellent
February 27th, 2009 at 5:27 am
Australians*
February 27th, 2009 at 5:25 am
The autralians loved it so it has to be good…right? RIGHT?
February 27th, 2009 at 5:17 am
I cried from laughter… DOB, you are the man, and I tip my tinfoil pirate hat to you.
February 27th, 2009 at 5:12 am
Jeez how mad are you going to get when it turns out it sucks?