One of the great things about working for Cracked is that, from time to time, I’ve been contacted by public figures
looking for someone to ghostwrite their autobiographies. Confidentiality agreements typically prevent me from disclosing their identities (right, “Barry O”?) but my latest writing assignment carries no such requirement. Instead, last week former California Congressman Gary Condit called and asked me to help tell his story now that it appears he will be exonerated in the murder of Washington intern Chandra Levy.
For those of you who don’t recall, in the days leading up to 9/11, the papers were filled with scandalous reports revolving around Chandra Levy – a shapely intern for the Federal Bureau of Prisons who had gone missing. A police investigation revealed that prior to her death, Levy had been having an affair with Gary Condit – a married Congressman from her district and 29 years her senior. Although Condit steadfastly denied any involvement with Levy’s murder, the negative press destroyed his reelection bid.
But now, DC police seem primed to arrest Ingmar Guandique for the crime, and Gary Condit recently told reporters: “I had always hoped to have my opportunity to tell this side of the story, but too many were not prepared to listen. Now I plan to do so….”
And what a story it is. The gripping tale of a good man wrongly removed from power by a society too quick to judge. I present to you excerpts from the forthcoming book….
Chapter 4: No Homocide For This Hetero
I threw some papers into my bag and headed for the door. Not two steps later, my pain in the ass staffer, Jenkins, was calling out after me.
“Congressman,” he whined. “You haven’t cast your vote on the proposed legislation yet!”
“I know, Jenkins, but y’see, some of us have a hot date tonight.”
Jenkins seemed confused. He flipped through his session minutes in exasperation trying to think of what to say next. “But, but…” he stammered. “I don’t understand. Mrs. Condit is out of town tonight.”
“Exactly. Jenkins. Exactly.”
I headed for the door, trying to remember the new moves I’d read about in Penthouse Forum when Jenkins interrupted me again.
“Congressman Condit. I am not one to trade in innuendo, but I’m afraid I have to ask: Are you having sex with that young intern from the Federal Bureau of Prisons – Chandra Levy?”
I let the full weight of my experience fall upon Jenkins as I laid my palm firmly on his shoulder.
“Yes, Jenkins,” I said. “Yes, I am having sex with Chandra Levy. Dirty, crazy, adulterous monkey sex. But let’s be clear. I am NOT killing her.”
Jenkins just stood there for a minute, silent. And even though we never spoke of that day again, I have to believe he was impressed with a congressman who could dive headfirst into the ravaging waters of illicit –possible career ending– sex without taking refuge on the comforting shores of arranged murder for hire.
Chapter 8: Children Are The Future (Interns)
One of the things I loved about being a congressman was working with the fine children of my district. If I had to pick just one day that stood out, it would be the morning I visited Ms. Carlton’s third grade class in 
Modesto, California. I was there to give a lecture on public service, and I can still remember little Becky Simmons sitting in the first row, full of enthusiasm and hope – two ingredients so desperately needed in Washington.
“Congwessman Condit,” she lisped in an adorable fashion. “Do I have to be a grownup before I can make a difference?”
“That’s a great question, Becky! Did everybody hear that?” I asked the class. “Well, Becky, not at all. One great way to start is to be an intern in one or our nation’s many departments. And you can do that when you’re just a bit older.”
“But what does an intern do, Congressman Condit?”
“Pretty much anything you ask,” I laughed.
But Becky didn’t get it so I knelt down in front of her little desk, filling her wide-eyed innocence with the truth: “Interns are a valuable part of the governmental process. Young minds doing the work of democracy.”
“That sounds GWEAT,” Becky replied.
“It is. Seriously, these chicks are crazy desperate for letters of recommendation.”
Afterword: If I Could Speak To Chandra’s Killer
On many sorrow-filled nights, I have yearned to speak to Chandra’s murderer face to face. I’m not sure I ever will, but if I did, I imagine I would say something like this:
I don’t suppose a man like you understands the joy that comes from real love or the pain that flows from loss. But I wish you did. I wish you could understand what I feel. Could appreciate the damage you’ve done. The pain you’ve caused.
Because I live every day with the result of your senseless violence. You did more than just commit murder. You stole something from us. Something beautiful and full of promise. That’s right. You stole my political future. When I think of all the people deprived of my brilliant leadership. And all the interns I never had the chance to have sex with. Well, it just makes me sick.
You miserable bastard. No one even knew about the affair until you had to go and commit your stupid murder. And even then, an affair? That’s not fatal. I could have overcome that. I have an excellent handshake and when I remember people’s names at fundraisers they swear they’ve been touched by the ghost of JFK himself. But suspicion of murder? That was just too damn much.
You left me with nothing, except my good name. Well, nothing except the opportunity to earn a lot of cash on a book deal at least.
This entry was posted on Wednesday, February 25th, 2009 at 11:00 pm and is filed under Music, TV, Uncategorized, Video Games. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 8th, 2009 at 1:14 am
Hi solid post. I believe these points might be reusable excessively. Now the respectable pick up notes are the ones that flatter the woman. Now several of the lines might just be in all good fun to help break the ice. That is essential and it can ultimately lead to winding up in sleep together with her at the end of the night. Heck what man doesn’t want that, but knowing what to pronounce and how to pull it off can take on a bit of employ. A serious pick up note will take you in the door but from there you have to be reassured sufficient to maintain the conversation working.
October 27th, 2009 at 7:50 pm
hey, some of your photobucket pics arent showing up
October 5th, 2009 at 4:10 pm
I know her!
September 30th, 2009 at 6:50 am
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September 4th, 2009 at 12:01 am
Awesome, as always.
September 4th, 2009 at 12:00 am
Oh well, my colleagues have introduced an women’s handbags discount online store. They said that price and quality are very good. Can you give me more suggestions?
July 1st, 2009 at 12:26 pm
I found your blog on google and read a few of your other posts. I just added you to my Google News Reader. Keep up the good work. Look forward to reading more from you in the future.
June 6th, 2009 at 5:38 am
I only realised it wasn’t serious until the 9th paragraph. Shut up, I’m not slow….very funny Gladstone, good job.
May 9th, 2009 at 6:30 am
Nice Site. I will be visiting more often as you have done a good job.%d%a
May 6th, 2009 at 3:21 am
Exactly the same attitude the media has had all along that ruined his career. You clearly believe it is your duty to pseudo-convict the man by nit picking any social or moral taboo he might have committed to cover up the fact you ASSHOLES WERE WRONG! Your cannon of SNL skits and anecdotal prosecution arguments given by joe blow on a random story comment page has failed you as it does constantly but thanks to the tireless spinning efforts of cowards who can’t face up to the fact that their ideals are WRONG, no one has to face up to anything. The cold fact that everyone has a legal right to destroy people in the limelight with no consequences at all is mildly hinted at as a universal excuse and you go about your worthless day…
April 19th, 2009 at 6:07 am
Don’t really think he made fun of any dead people in this article. Just the politician who was using her before her tragic murder. No need to apologize, I just wonder if he’ll get in shit for not saying it’s fabricated.
YES, any logical person can tell it’s fabricated, even most morons can too. But then again, this is a time when Red Bull has to tell its customers it doesn’t actually give you wings.
March 10th, 2009 at 8:22 am
Thank you for your help guys!
March 7th, 2009 at 8:57 am
Cool blog, here are some Pretty Things Videos http://www.myspace.com/skipalan
March 3rd, 2009 at 4:10 am
lol@me
forgot to backspace …I said “oops”.
hahaha
March 2nd, 2009 at 4:25 pm
*applauds* gladstone
lol @ lbh … politician
March 2nd, 2009 at 1:54 pm
“polititian” oops :/
March 2nd, 2009 at 1:51 pm
Yeah…can’t wait for that page turner. One big, fat, ghost-written I Told You So from a former polititian hoping to be relevant again.
“See ? I didn’t kill her. I just obstructed justice early in the investigation so as to keep my job?marriage/dirty little secret.”
It’ll probably get published by the same company that brought us “If I Did It” or what ever the hell that O.J. book was called.
March 2nd, 2009 at 7:42 am
See here we go again. Gladstone making fun of dead people, and then having to explain. What is wrong with you man? You need help, seriously.
This was tasteless and eerrr…dare I say funny? Yeah it was. You getting better and better each article G-Bone! Keep it up.
March 1st, 2009 at 8:20 pm
Often, when I find myself emotionally troubled by a subject, I go to a website that specializes in making dick jokes about every subject and look for a related article. Sometimes I find that it makes me feel better about that subject. Oh, wait, it never does.
But writing my objections to it in the comments section TOTALLY makes it better…
February 28th, 2009 at 5:43 pm
Comedians made hay out of the double homicide in the O.J. Simpsons case for ages. This is part of what comedy does. If one (Lex) is too sensitive for this sort of thing, then one (Lex) should go somewhere else.
The victim is not being used for humor in this piece. If one (again, Lex) believes otherwise, then one (once again, Lex) has a reading comprehension problem and should seek some sort of remedial education solution to the problem rather than cry foul in comments.
February 28th, 2009 at 3:55 am
Lex,
So you actually believe Chandra’s parents (who very likely, do not read Cracked) would benefit from getting an anonymous email warning them that somewhere, some writer they know nothing about, did a piece lampooning a SOB who believes using his position of power to coerce young interns into having sex with him is OK as long as he doesn’t kill them?
Your faux indignation reeks of hypocrisy. Gladstone does not mock Chandra at all. He, however, is very clearly denouncing men like Condit who fail to see that sexual and phsycological abuse is every bit as repugnant as murder.
Violent killings are a tragedy but they happen on a daily basis and there is little we can do about it. Chandra’s killing, however sad, is far from the most tragic or horrific.
Pshychological abuse of employees also happens on a daily basis both in Public Service as in the Private Sector. It creates a vicious circle where those who survive the travails of the first years of work then choose to abuse those who come after them.
The difference? We can actually do something about abuse.
You missed the point. You definitely did.
February 28th, 2009 at 2:39 am
Excerpts from Gary Condit’s Book ‘Humping Is Not Murder’…
And what a story it is. The gripping tale of a good man wrongly removed from power by a society too quick to judge. I present to you excerpts from the forthcoming book…….
February 27th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
Lex, not one joke in this piece is at Chandra Levy’s expense. Arguing about whether indeed Levy and Condit had monkey sex misses the point. The point of the satire is the Condit is creepy enough to make such a claim true or not.
February 27th, 2009 at 2:14 pm
You’re right … silly me. Because you made Condit the DIRECT focus of the satire, it is ridiculous for anyone to be offended. The quotes I took out of the context of the piece were Gary Condit’s words … not the words of the writer on your staff that actually wrote them. The poor girl in question might not have ever actually had “Dirty, crazy, adulterous monkey sex.” with Mr Condit (as your writer put it) before she was brutally murdered and burried in an unmarked grave. Why should anyone be upset if someone takes artistic liberty with the situation, or those involved to hack out a quick piece of “comedy”? Sorry … my bad. Please continue to satirize.
February 27th, 2009 at 5:14 am
DO DOD ODOD OD- Gary Condit is the fifth Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.
Great job, HBN.
February 27th, 2009 at 4:59 am
Sure, HBN, it’s because Gary Condit is the target of the satire. Not Chandra Levy. And the words Lex takes offense to that refer to Chandra –directly or indirectly– are spoken by Condit — the one being satirized.
February 26th, 2009 at 5:15 pm
Someone, I think Alex is stuck! Perhaps a swift kick will free him?
February 26th, 2009 at 5:06 pm
it would appear that somebody forgot there medicine today
February 26th, 2009 at 4:25 pm
Who would like to respond to Lex and explain — without any name calling– why his analysis is flawed?
February 26th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
Alex, you can go suck the shit out of Oprah Winfrey’s asshole.
February 26th, 2009 at 4:16 pm
Okay, Alex/”Ronald Badman”, you win. You can post whatever you want, I give up.
Oh…Oh, wait. It says here that I’ve permanently banned you from Wordpress. So not only can you not comment, but you’ll never be able to read a post from this blog every again for the rest of your life.
Huh. Imagine that.
February 26th, 2009 at 4:00 pm
So Alex…had a bad there buddy? Need a little pick-me-up hmm?
February 26th, 2009 at 3:53 pm
I’m going to send a link to this piece to Chandra’s parent’s email. I bet they find it hilarious reading stuff like…
“Dirty, crazy, adulterous monkey sex. But let’s be clear. I am NOT killing her”
and
“But what does an intern do, Congressman Condit?” “Pretty much anything you ask,” I laughed.
I know that if my daughter were murdered and buried in a park somewhere that nothing would cheer me up quicker than knowing some comedy writer somewhere took the opportunity to turn her situation into a big joke.
February 26th, 2009 at 3:39 pm
What the fuck is a honkey?
February 26th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
“That’s right. You stole my political future.”
Rofl!
February 26th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
i r gladstone, lololololol
wutz up wit dat?
February 26th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
I’M GOING TO ASSUME THAT MOST OF YOU ARE NOT NEUROLOGICALLY IMPAIRED AND THEREFORE REALIZE THAT THE COMMENTS BEING MADE AS “G-STONE” –USUALLY INVOLVING EATING A PENIS– ARE THE WORK OF SOMEONE WHO IS NOT, IN FACT, ME.
I POST UNDER HBN, GLADSTONE, OR G-STONE. BUT WHEN I POST, I USUALLY STEER CLEAR OF MERE 4TH GRADE, FUNCTIONALLY RETARDED BANTER.
February 26th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
Sabba what do you mean this lacks “professionalism”? Gladstone’s “profession” is comedy writing, so he’s doing exactly what (I presume) he’s getting paid for.
And I second sleepwiddafishes motion that you suck a dick. Twice.
February 26th, 2009 at 1:09 pm
No “G-Stone”, I got Sabba to my dirty work for me , though they’re not doing a spectacular job.
February 26th, 2009 at 1:04 pm
meh. nothing special and far what what i’ve come to expect from HBN. better than I could’ve written, though.
February 26th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
Sabba: Eat a dick. It’s a comedy website.
Eat a dick. Again.
February 26th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
Awesome indeed, you rock dude!
RT
http://www.be-anonymous.us.tc
February 26th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
How utterly tasteless. The jokes may have been aimed at the congressman, but you throw dirt on Chandra’s name in the process with such lines as “these chicks are crazy desperate for letters of recommendation.”
It could have been handled in a much better way, leaving Chandra out of it.
I wouldn’t expect anything like professionalism from Cracked though.
February 26th, 2009 at 11:29 am
What is it with Democratic politicians destroying their political careers by having affairs with moderately attractive Jewish women?
February 26th, 2009 at 11:27 am
Chandra Levy is made from people!!
So, yeah, ok. RedBull + Comments = Murder!! Of my brain cells anyway. I would say I missed you, dear brain cells, but I never really used you anyway. May you rest in piece..in HELL!!
Good job, Mr. G-Stone. I liked it.
February 26th, 2009 at 10:44 am
Hey Glendoor, you’re not gonna beat me up on this one?
I thought it was gonna be like old times.
February 26th, 2009 at 10:43 am
BABY LAUGHS A LOT KILLED CHANDRA LEVY!!!!!!!!!
February 26th, 2009 at 10:05 am
I heard Chandra Levy met the guy who eventually killed her on
Tallmingle.com
February 26th, 2009 at 10:04 am
it apparently involved the male “escorts” taking a tour of the white house, and gay sex orgies
i have the link to the washington post headlines
February 26th, 2009 at 10:01 am
if you think this was a scandal, in the 80s there was a scandal involving male homosexual hookers and a republican financier
lets just say it was covered up, and no i aint lying, i can provide the link if you want
February 26th, 2009 at 9:53 am
I heard that there is an inter esting place for all h O t g irls and guys,
seems it is named: ___T allmingle Co M___ ,if u want to find some fun or lov ers, please have a try !!!
February 26th, 2009 at 9:11 am
This article would have been so much better if I didn’t have baby-laugh-a-lot ringing through my ears. Disturbed affair-hiding killer or not, Ex-Congressman Condit has done nothing to tear apart the walls of my sanity, and so I ask him, if he will not arrange another murder, please can he not arrange the murder of me, just before I clicked play on that youtube video.
February 26th, 2009 at 8:59 am
Oh god, I remember Chandra Levy being all over the news. I was 11 at the time, and since we didn’t have cable, I’d frequently watch the local news. It was, literally, ALWAYS Chandra Levy this and Chandra Levy that. Since I live in DC, every single day was “A murder in Prince George’s County” or “a murder in DC” (kind of helped me with my jading so that I wasn’t so shocked by the internet), so when I first heard about it, I was all like meh. But then, every single day, Chandra Levy, Chandra Levy, Chandra Levy! I remember getting real pissed off about it too. I was always asking my parents “What’s so great about Chandra Levy? Why’s her murder so important? She just seems like some girl.” I think the explanation I got was something like she’s some congressman’s girlfriend. I didn’t understand, so when they found her body in Rock Creek Park (where my family and I saw “Two Gentlemen of Verona”, even though throughout the play I would just get up and wander around the park.), I thought “FINALLY! They’ll stop talking about this!” Then again, I’d get pissed off really easily.
February 26th, 2009 at 8:34 am
GalavTRION- Gary Condit is an ice-cream.
Great job, HBN.
February 26th, 2009 at 8:05 am
@ Mr. Flangetastesgood
Nice G’N'R reference!!
February 26th, 2009 at 8:05 am
>.>
February 26th, 2009 at 8:01 am
G Stone got me….damn you
February 26th, 2009 at 7:56 am
I srsly cannot believe people are taking the bait of a pseudo flame war by a commenter attempting to speak in “ghetto talk” while simultaneously using the proper English spelling for “humour.”
February 26th, 2009 at 7:50 am
Just because someone’s white doesn’t mean they had shit to do with your ancestors (supposedly your ancestors, but we all know you don’t know shit about your family history) being “oppressed”. I didn’t do anything to anyone, so you can fuck off.
February 26th, 2009 at 7:47 am
Gary Condit: A warning to all old, sexually deprived congressman of America
February 26th, 2009 at 7:46 am
Yall a bunch of racist honkey motherfuckas
Kill tha white man!
February 26th, 2009 at 7:39 am
Good work, G-Stone, you sly dog.
February 26th, 2009 at 7:36 am
well Ronald, it’s true.
February 26th, 2009 at 7:07 am
Jesus christ Ron…that shit was uncalled for honkey
February 26th, 2009 at 6:46 am
This sounds like a great read. I can’t wait for it to come out in paperback.
February 26th, 2009 at 6:37 am
nnnnn You ever heard the old saying All men pay for sex only hookers are honest about the price?
February 26th, 2009 at 6:34 am
But what exactly drives a young girl to let herself be fucked by an ugly bastard? I personally think Levy was a stupid whore attracted to power and money and the world s a better place without her.
February 26th, 2009 at 6:33 am
Yup we can throw honkey around like it’s no big deal but god forbid someone say nigger… Oops
February 26th, 2009 at 6:01 am
Ronald Badman, WTH? If you’re joking, I’m either missing it or you’ve ran it to the ground.
Great job, Gladstone! Good to see your indefinite sabbatical has not dulled your Cracked wit.
February 26th, 2009 at 5:11 am
jewish folks are honkeys too
February 26th, 2009 at 5:06 am
there aint no such thing as an innocent honkey…yall be tainted with the stain of oppression bitches
February 26th, 2009 at 4:49 am
They’re out ta get me…they won’t catch me! I’m fuckin innocent!
>.>
<.<
February 26th, 2009 at 4:24 am
stfu lapinot you honkey bitch
February 26th, 2009 at 4:17 am
Also available in a special limited edition, signed by the author and bound in the flayed skin of Nancy Grace.
February 26th, 2009 at 3:27 am
this be honkey humour…
February 26th, 2009 at 3:24 am
wheres my mo’fuckin cake you honkey bitches?
February 26th, 2009 at 2:54 am
Gersch- Gary Condit is one of the Jonas Brothers.
Great job, HBN.
February 26th, 2009 at 2:46 am
lol_alf - Gary Condit is an autobot.
Great job, HBN.
February 26th, 2009 at 2:36 am
lol_alf- Gary Condit is a Democrat.
Great job, HBN,
February 26th, 2009 at 2:27 am
What’s a CD player?
February 26th, 2009 at 1:52 am
Kids, he’s talking about the case of the famous Republican who criticized Clinton for committing adultery with an intern, only to be revealed as someone who did the same with his intern, and then had her killed (or so we thought).
February 26th, 2009 at 1:33 am
Good one…
Chapter 8 was a bit macabre, but i like that…
February 26th, 2009 at 1:21 am
pretty ballsy to touch on a case that’s pretty much been forgotten and is lost upon this post-CD player generation.
February 26th, 2009 at 12:59 am
why does the tab for the columnists read HBN instead of Gladstone, its not a long name, and HBN is over so whats the deal? I would push for a proper nametag happyrock.
February 26th, 2009 at 12:38 am
It’s 3:30 in the morning so I can’t appreciate it as well as I could normally, but this made me laugh several times. What I DO NOT appreciate is the work you make me do. Now I’ve gotta research this guy and find out what’s going on…
February 26th, 2009 at 12:10 am
Actually Condit should be saying this to the worthless media, they are the ones that ruined his life and tried and convicted him.
February 26th, 2009 at 12:01 am
hahahaha. i like it. nice work, g-stone :]
February 25th, 2009 at 11:51 pm
Awesome, as always.