This is a big one, folks. We're gonna throw some important birthdays at you, so pay attention: Professional wrestler and best-selling lunatic Mick Foley, professional survivor and crazy bastard bear Grylls, and Michael Swaim all born today. Today, folks! In honor of this colossal celebration of manliness (and Swaim), we're gonna do something special: We're going to round up all of our funniest articles from the past week, absolutely free of charge. What are you gonna do?
Gladstone tried not hating The Love Guru, but he was unsuccessful. Can you really blame him? Chris Bucholz, while suspiciously silent on his hatred for The Love Guru, has no problem vocalizing his hatred for Metal Gear Solid. Speaking of YouTube, Ross counts down five YouTube stars who will never be stars. Also, if you have the internet, you've probably already seen Swaim's hilarious Star Trek rap and if you don't have the internet, you're an asshole. Speaking of assholes, DOB has a fair and balanced review of DC's latest comic endeavor featuring Batman, Superman and Wonder Woman. Star Trek, video games and comic books all on the same blog? Line up, ladies!
O BROTHEL, WHERE ART THOU?!
The 6 Most Innovative Brothels from Around the World
Sure, you can pay a woman for sex, but what's in it for you? Other than the sex and the shame, that is. We'll tell you: a key chain. You can get a key chain now.
Notable Comment: Blackrifice says "Good article. The fact that the Bunny Ranch offers coupons is awesome." Yeah, that's why we go to the Bunny Ranch, too. The coupons.
THE INDIAN IN THE HUBBARD!
L. Ron Hubbard's 5 Most Impressive Lies (Besides Scientology ... )
Also, we heard he can fly.
Notable Comment: jcdent says "Why doesn't cracked.com come up with something like Scientology to get money and cheap whore? Bucholz could be the supreme being as all life (and robots) fears him. DOB would be the heavenly boner of women and DOB's ab's would be the secondary god of boning. Swaim would take place of Judgement and so on." Strong words, from the newly-appointed High Priest of Crackedentology. Preach on, brother.
THUMBS UP, MOTHERFUCKER!
7 Innocent Gestures That Can Get You Killed Overseas
Ever wonder why you get your ass kicked every time you ask for a high-five in Greece? It's because it's offensive. Also, you asked during the middle of church.
Notable Comment: TheDirtball says "Yet one more reason that I will keep my offensive American ass right here in the US where I can make rude hand gestures at will and light farts to my fiery delight." We're not the Land of the Free for nothing. Fart your heart out, soldier!
The 6 Most Ill-Conceived Video Game Accessories Ever
Finally, you can play Wii in your car. Didn't you want that? To play Wii in your car? You didn't? Huh. Well, we've got the technology, are you sure? Oh ... Okay then.
Notable Comment: Hyuga_masteR says "these are fake right? like the ill-concieved cereal? yah, i think they are...the must be..." If only, Hyuga. If only ...
5 Most Terrifying Rites of Manhood from Around the World
We really need to throw some fire-eating or snake-juggling into the bar mitzvah world if we hope to keep up with these lunatics.
Notable Comment: anderX says "Umm..when I was in third grade I got kicked in the balls.. Does that count?" For damaging psychological trauma? Yes. For manhood initiation? No.
Star Trek TNG Rap
Seriously, you haven't seen this? You're probably the least popular person on your block.
YOU, YOU, YOU!
20 Superhero Movies We Hope They Never Make
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? Check out this week's contest about Video Game Power Ups Used in Real Life and you can be.
The German version of the Easy Bake Oven never caught on.
A womb with a view
So, an eskimo, a homeless guy, and a midget walk into a bar...
To Catch a Predator: Russia
Michael Jackson goes back in time in an attempt to warn his child self of the future.
Color-absorbing Children: the menace continues.
pictured: the incorrect way to explain your homosexuality to your father.
Erotoautocanibalism: It would have hit the internet sooner if they had the hands to post it with.
"Shhh! let me think, they just posted the craption photo."
Unfortunately, the only shape-shifting alien ever to reach Earth was accidentially killed by John Goodman.
IKEA's "Marlon Brando" furniture line brought disappointing first week sales.
Slow news day?
A little "slower" than the rest of the photography students, George, once again, had to be told that "shooting" pictures wasn't to be taken literally.
Instagram influencers are often absurd.
A good horror story is hard to pull off.
All commercials are a least a little weird.
These actions stars were so bad at being badass, they were just ass.