7 Innocent Gestures That Can Get You Killed Overseas
If you've ever had your penis cut off and/or been executed while on holiday, you'll probably know that it's easy to offend people from other cultures. Unless you learn the ways of the place you're visiting, even the most well-meaning tourist can regularly find his oesophagus stuffed with burning goat. But surely just plain common sense and good manners will save you, right?
Wrong.
Extend Your Hand, Palm Outward in Greece
What you think you are saying:
"Phew! That was a heck of a moussaka. I'd eat another portion, but I'm completely stuffed."
What you are actually saying:
"Phew! That was a heck of a moussaka. I'd eat another portion, but I'm too busy rubbing handfuls of shit in your face."
What the hell?
In Greece, the "hand out" gesture is known as the moutza, and it dates back to the time of the Byzantine Empire, when criminals would be paraded through the streets on horseback, their faces blackened to indicate their shame. If they were lucky, the blackening agent would merely be charcoal. If they were unlucky, it would be a substance much, much worse ...
SHIT, is what we're saying here. Their faces would be covered in SHIT.
If you really want to piss a Greek person off, you can go for the double moutza, which features both hands splayed above your head. However, this will also make you look like a backup dancer from Cats, so it's your call.
Give the Thumbs-Up In The Middle East
What you think you are saying:
"Ayyyyy! I'm the fuckin' Fonz!"
What you are actually saying:
"Ayyyyy! I'm going to jam my thumb in your anus!"
What the hell?
It's not just the Middle East. This seemingly universal gesture is also hideously offensive in West Africa and South America, whose citizens would doubtless get really confused if they ever watched Ebert and Roeper. "This movie is great, Bill! So great that I'd like to anally rape it with my thumb!"
The thumbs-up sign has been confusing people for thousands of years. Contrary to Hollywood legend, Roman gladiators were not spared by a thumbs-up, but by a hidden thumb. If the origins of both gestures are linked, we can only assume this meant, "Do not kill the prisoner, he seems the perfect solution to the emperor's arthritic finger."
Finish Your Meal In Thailand / The Philippines / China
What you think you are saying:
"This is a delicious meal. I mean it. I'm not the kind of guy who would lie about something like this. In fact, your meal was so fucking fabulous that I am going to finish every last morsel and then lick the plate so bright that it reveals the face of God."
What you are actually saying:
"You call yourself a host? I came here for a meal, not some Lilliputian hors d'oeuvre that wouldn't satisfy a mouse after a sizable brunch. Look at me. No, in the eyes. You disgust me."
What the hell?
It is always important that the host provides you with tasty food. However, in countries where steak in bleu cheese sauce costs approximately the same as a lung transplant, it is more important that the host provides you with enough food.
In China, if you finish every last bite of your meal, you are implying that you weren't given enough. Therefore, even if the meal is the most sexually delicious thing that has ever slid down your throat, you should still leave one last morsel on the plate to stare up at you mournfully while you eye it with ill-concealed resentment.
That said, the Orient isn't as uptight as this example suggests. In China it's considered perfectly good manners to talk with your mouth full and to burp after your meal. Farting seems to vary according to the situation and your current company, so ask ahead of time. Lighting the fart is frowned upon in almost all provinces.
Say "Hi" to a Member of the Opposite Sex in Saudi Arabia
What you think you are saying:
"Hi Steve! How's things? Fancy getting a decaf latte?"
What you are actually saying:
"Hi, Steve! How's things? Fancy booking a hotel room so that I can do immoral sex acts on you in the name of Satan?"
What the hell?
According to sharia religious laws, it is deeply immoral for a woman to greet a man in public, or associate with any man other than her husband without an escort. In February 2008, one American woman openly conversed with a man in Starbucks, and was promptly arrested, strip-searched and forced to sign false confessions.
Though, perhaps this is nitpicking considering women are not allowed to drive, vote, own shops, testify in court or ride bicycles there. Bizarrely, it's perfectly fine for women to fly high-powered jet planes, although they're clearly fucked if they feel like taking a bicycle to the airport.
The point being, if you're a woman and are planning a move to Saudi Arabia, offending them with the whole public greeting thing is probably the least of your problems.
Give an Even Number of Flowers in Russia
What you think you are saying:
"Darling, this week has been the most wonderful of my life. Since I first felt the sweet joy of your caress, I have truly come to know what it is to love and to be loved. Please accept these half-dozen roses as a symbol of my eternal tender devotion." (Lean forward for kiss.)
What you are actually saying:
DEATH! DEATH! DEEEEEEAAAAAAAATH!!!!!!
(Lean forward for kiss.)
What the hell?
In Russia, even numbers of flowers are only ever given at funerals, and such a gift is seen as inviting death, which you obviously don't want to do unless you're banging a goth chick.
Choosing the right gift seems to be a minefield of morbidity everywhere you go. Never give a clock to a Chinese person, as the word "clock" is almost identical to a word for "death." Don't wrap your present in white paper there either, as this suggests funerals. And for God's sake, don't give anyone in Bangladesh white flowers or they will presumably be obliged to buy a spade and bury themselves while muttering at you reproachfully.
You know what, screw giving a gift. You may come across as a selfish douchebag, but at least no one will hail you as the fourth horseman of the apocalypse.
Give a Gift With Your Left Hand, Pretty Much Anywhere
What you think you are saying:
"Thank you very much for letting me marry your daughter. She is very beautiful. In gratitude, please accept this dainty, yet tuneful instrument. Did I mention that I'm left-handed?"
What you are actually saying:
"Thank you very much for letting me marry your daughter. She is the most worthless heap of dog vomit I have ever encountered, and I dearly wish that she would die. In gratitude, please accept a generous portion of my own effluence. Did I mention that I hate you?"
What the hell?
Toilet paper may have been around in China since 589 AD, but for much of the world, it remains a prohibitively expensive luxury. In places such as India, Sri Lanka, Africa and the whole of the Middle East, doing anything with your left hand is seen as unclean, as it is (as least symbolically) your ass-wiping hand.
Eating out? Don't even think about using your left hand. It's better to come across as some kind of retarded monkey child than to imply that you rate your host's food on the same level as a lightly-steamed assburger.
Of course, poop is not the only reason left-handedness is bad. According to the Qur'an, Satan himself was a southpaw, which is why he was able to successfully fool the right-handed batter that is mankind.
Give the "OK" Sign in Brazil
What you think you are saying:
"Hi Brazil, I'm US President Richard Nixon, and I'm feeling terrific!"
What you are actually saying:
"Hi Brazil, I'm US President Richard Nixon, and I'm feeling that you should all go fuck yourselves!"
(Note: The above examples are only valid if you are US President Richard Nixon)
What the hell?
In Brazil, the "OK" gesture is roughly equivalent to the finger in the US, which means you should not use it when your hotel manager asks you how your room is, unless you want to tell him that it's purple and velvety and recently molested his wife.
The most famous incident of a misapplied "OK" sign was, in fact, Nixon's visit to Brazil in the '50s. While alighting from the aircraft, he lifted both hands to the cameras and double-fingered the entire nation. Nixon went on to greet the Brazilian Prime minister with a savage kick to the testicles, and concluded his visit by urinating from the window of a moving limousine.
If you're visiting Brazil, you should also never touch any food with your fingers. Even stuff like pizzas and burgers should be eaten with a knife and fork. Not that you'll ever need to apply this knowledge, because after reading this article, you'd be insane if you ever travel abroad again.
Tim Cameron is a recovering gaming addict. His blog, The Silly Addiction, catalogs his ridiculous struggle to go straight.
Now find out what they'll probably be saying in response to those gestures in our look at The 9 Most Devastating Insults From Around the World. And don't forget to check out this video explaining why Jesus kind of sucked as a carpenter. Or head to the brand new Official Cracked.com Store and become a startlingly attractive walking advertisement for our site.
Gonna avoid this writer next time...You always finish the food or else you're wasting it and it's quite frowned upon. Thumbs up is still thumbs up in western sense, it's amazing the writer think middle east(composing of several countries) are so backwards. There's no consequence of saying hi, unless you're being overly affectionate in the public then you'll expect the police. There's no such thing in the Quran either. Fear mongering at best here.
ReplyThe okay sign here in Brazil only means that if your hand is upside-down (palm up). Otherwise it just means okay.
ReplyThe Middle East is not a country, you GUYS. It consists of many countries with different cultures. I lived in one for 11 years and the OK sign is totally OK.
ReplyIf you give an equal number of flowers in Russia, you're not making fun of it, you are showing that you grieve. It is more or less a way to say "my condolences".
ReplyThat guy in the fetching turtleneck is clearly playing air darts, not giving an "okay" sign. Or possibly that awesome game where if you look through the circle, he gets to punch you.
ReplyI live in the Philippines, and not finishing your meal actually means rejecting the grace of God.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesI'm Chinese, and if I remember my culture correctly, not finishing food is a waste of perfectly good food. There's also the old wives tale about how the more rice you leave on your plate, the more pimples your spouse will have on his/her face (mainly to scare girls into finishing their food)...
Dude, I don't recall that being taught to me O_o
Saan mo natutunan yan?
Yep. As a kid, my grandmother would even berate me for a grain of rice left on my plate, bless her soul.
This article is hilarious, but the writer should do better research. The thumbs up is Ok to do in the Middle East, it means exactly what it means. If you do it in Iran however, that pretty much means telling the person to f**k himself.
ReplyI worked in a plant with lots of contracted workers (most of them foreign/immigrants) and they were very nice people, however, the Asians that I worked with were freaking slobs. They smacked their lips and constantly burped. It was disgusting. It was not s**t I wanted to put up with during a 10 hour day.
ReplyLuckily, they were lazy as hell so the plant sacked them and they moved on to another workplace.
My god, I wanted to punch that little Asian lady right in the mouth.
I understand that was their custom but they are no longer in their own country. They were all in Canada for over 10 years each. I would like to think if I was in another country that long I could at least figure out their most basic customs.
/rant
Excuse me, I'm asian, lived in asia all my life, blah blah but what you've described just seems to be bad manners. Please do note that people who go to other countries to do crappy jobs usually are below middle class in their own countries. Ergo, most probably, they're not... er, refined.
The "OK" sign really means "go f**k yourself" here in Brazil (supposedly, it's because it looks like an anus, whatever). But the middle finger is a lot more common.
ReplyNow, we DON'T eat burgers with a knife and fork. Wtf.
I've never seen that happening.
We grab food with our fingers all the time.
Using left hand is also considered rude in my country, Indonesia. My friend who's left handed was forced by her Mom to use right hand to do everything, her Mom even tied her right hand with a rope so she's got no other choice but to eat using her right hand. Some people are so brutal, it's stupid.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesThe chinese used to do that too, but I guess that practice sort of died out? I haven't heard any of my left handed chinese friends having to go through that torture. I have one Malay friend who went through that ordeal of being forced to use her right hand though. I agree, it's brutal.
My mom was taught to use her right hand, and she's Swiss. The technique was not as brutal, but the practice is universal. I'm left-handed too and I never had any trouble.
On the plus side she's ambidextrous.
My Step Mother, here in the US, went to a catholic school and they did the same thing. She was 're-taught' to be right handed. Messed up.
It's because of cracked I'm paranoid about going anywhere outside of the USA. Including Canada.
ReplyI am right handed and several years ago I suffered third degree burns to my right hand. I had to wipe my arse with my left hand for three months and, I must confess, had several mishaps. It is not easy and I cannot imagine anyone doing it on purpose.
Replyive lived in the middle east for 6 years both in the levantine arab countries and the gulf coast countries and i have never once heard of the thumbs up meaning anything negative. the one about women and men in saudi arabia is somewhat true as "religious police" will ask if you are married or related if they see a man and woman being "affectionate" in public. as for the left-handed thing, eating with the left hand is considered "makrooh" in islam which basically means "discouraged" but not forbidden but you wont see anyone persecuted over it. but yeah anyway the thumbs one is bullshit
ReplyThe even number of flowers applies to other Eastern-European countries too. I gave 22 flowers to my Romanian girlfriend because she was turning 22. She was actually POd at me.
ReplyI am Greek and I'd like to point out that the "correct" mountza gesture is a raised palm with the fingers outstretched not just a raised palm. Also it has come to mean more like "you're an idiot" than "filth" in our times.
ReplyYeah, it's more like a facepalm ("oh my God, how much of an idiot are you?")
there are a lot of mistakes in this. at least in regards to the middle east. the thumbs up? just means you think something is awesome. left-handed people? still nothing. a woman saying hi to a man? he will usually just say hi back. and i don't think the Quran actually says the devil is left-handed. and even if he is, it makes no difference to God if you are too.
ReplyWe have a handful of these silly offenses in our own nation; the bird, for example, is actually a Western gesture, not universal.
ReplyAs a general rule, it's considered slightly more offensive to be a prissy dick about cultural obscenities to people that you know damn well don't know any better.
yeah but i think what distinguishes it is that its not considered friendly anywhere else (as far as i know)
I'm enjoying how everyone is whinging about how none of these are true, or only sort of true, with the exception for Saudi Arabia, the one with the most profound, horrible, and ridiculous consequences on this list. Nope, that one is just fine. (thumbs up!)
ReplyIt's a matter of perspective. Unless you're a bigot. Also middle east =/ saudi arabia..
where in south america is the thumb offensive???? I live in south america, and it means the same as in the US
Replyin thailand we eat all of the food o_o
ReplyIn the Philippines, we do the same. It's kinda rude not to eat all that was given of you. However, in Korea, that's a different story ^^ don't eat it all or it'll be filled over and over again. :z