Since this is the last round-up in March, that means it's the last time we can celebrate Cracked History Month. It was a crazy month that was, sadly, overshadowed by some governor and some not-so-discreet boning that he may or may not have been involved with. Let's take just a few moments to ignore Governor Spitzer for a change and think about some of the heroes that have made Cracked what it is: Christian Bale, Nikola Tesla and the guy who invented boobs... God?
Ah. Wasn't that nice, taking a break from Spitzer? Refreshing, right? If that isn't nice, we don't know what is. Alright, on with the round-up.
This week on the best thing to happen to blogging since fingers, Ross gives us a terrifying video of some kind of headless robot monster dog. Also, Chris Bucholz, the only Cracked blogger that's even remotely aware of what's going on in the world, wants Cracked to boycott the Olympics. Meanwhile, Swaim blogs from the future to hilariously inaccurate results, Gladstone's found the secret for recording a winning Radiohead video, and Dan O'Brien prepares you to hate Twondock Saints.
DON'T PUT THAT THERE!
History's 10 Most Terrifying Contraceptives
Officially the most terrifying? Never having sex again. That concept haunts our dreams. Nightly.
Notable Comment: Quellish says "I don't see what the big deal about putting your dick in sheep intestines is. I mean, nights on the farm can get kind of lonely. That's why I use the farmer's dating site, sheepmingle.com." Really great stuff.
GO TO HELL, SPIDER MONSTER!
6 Endangered Species That Aren't Endangered Enough
Would anyone seriously miss an ant called the "Slavemaker"? Seriously?
Notable Comment: In yet another adventure in obscure, pointless commenting, somebody wrote a poem, or a rap song or something. Some shit. Somebody else posted a freakishly long list of United States political families. Let's see, a debate whether or pandas were bears or raccoons (or wolverines?) emerged, and some guy named Neil really wants us to check out his Notes, (hint: nowhere near as helpful as Cliff's when it comes to studying for a lit theory test). Join us next week when we write an article about video games and the comments section is devoted to sandwiches or apartheid or whatever.
SMOKEY THE BEAR IS HORRIFYING!
The 10 Most Disturbing PSA's from Around the World
Some of these ads really saved us. We'll never pour boiling grease all over ourselves or give our baby VD ever again!
Notable Comment: Chiemilin says "Every time I read these stories I can't see the video clips when I click on them. Could this be beacause I'm at work and there is a block on youtube? Maybe I'm the lucky one because I'll still be able to eat luch but I can't help feeling like I've missed something. As far as the block on youtube goes... the joke is on my company for only blocking like 3 sites, cracked not being one of them and probably the most scandelous. Take that unnamed corporate franchise!" Ahaha, victory! You might say we slipped through the cracks of your corporations security? No? Please don't delete our bookmark.
WHAT A WASTE OF TIME!
The 5 Most Ridiculously Overblown Public Health Scares of All Time
"Asbestos," more like "Horseshit," are we right? Come on.
Notable Comment: Kivas says "Birds suck. All they do is poop on everything, and nobody likes poop." We've been vehemently anti-bird for years, everyone knows that. Thanks for your support, Kivas!
EAT SHIT, THOMAS EDISON!
5 Great Minds (Who Stole Their Ideas)
Cracked.com gives you the education your high school teachers were too afraid to give you.
Notable Comment: ParanoiaVII says "I've been avoiding registering up until now, but I have to say a big hearty THANK YOU to Cracked for mentioning Meucci in this article. The whole telephone-thieving debacle is a real sore spot with us Italian Americans, and we long to see the history books re-written to the truth. Thank you so much!" This site was founded on the simple principle of rewriting history, and we're glad to see people are starting to recognize us for it. Also, "poop."
We wouldn't know anything about that ... Seriously. Uh, ask anyone.
YOU YOU YOU!
15 Ad Campaigns From After the Apocalypse
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? Check out this week's contest about Ill-Conceived Breakfast Cereal Ideas and you can be.
Everyone was soooo impressed with Chai the Alligator man. But in his heart, Steve knew they really
were cheering because he waxed the SHIT outta that floor!
"Alright.. You thought that was impressive.. Now I will turn the gator around and..."
"Your eyes are like pools of the deepest blue...your lips are like the most lustrous rubies in
the Crown Jewels...your skin is like..."
"You startin' to scare me, bro."
After months of observing them, Peter and Richard finally earn the trust of the male model
"Spit or Swallow" was a terrible, terrible game show.
"Dammit, I swallowed the hamster."
After giving up all material possesions, Buddha was often forced to ride "bitch" when hanging
out with Jesus and Mohammed.
Winner, "Most Fiendishly Clever Body Dump, Disguised Corpse Division," in the Serial & Spree
Michael Bay's new samurai movie might lack historical accuracy, but you just can't get a horse to
Worst. Civil War Re-enacters. Ever.
I'm sitting next to a mountain of toilet paper and I just crapped my diaper... irony's a
Young Dexter prepares to invade the unsuspecting third dimension. The TP cannons were aligned
and ready; the armor-piercing cottonballs loaded and... Aw, shit! He's made a fucking hat out of
The camera adds ten pounds. Plus a full set of teeth, a shave, a shower, and several weeks in
From top left, clockwise: Amused it was so small, Amazed this happed outside his dreams, Bored
and slightly afraid, Semi-Conscious but still Drunk, Stalin, and Bobo the Friendly Hobo.
These hilarious stories should have been taught in every school.
We're so inundated with Trump news that we shrug off scandals that would tank any other president.