History's 10 Most Terrifying Contraceptives
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The three most terrifying things in the world are werewolves, clowns and unplanned pregnancy. Humanity has known this since time began and as such has endeavored to make sure the last one of these would happen as infrequently as possible. When you combined extreme motivation, human ingenuity and the fact that most people are stupid, you wound up with contraception methods that will blow your mind. Or at least leave you feeling a little weird down there. #10.
Weasel Testicles
In the Dark Ages in Europe, things were dark for a reason, not the least of which was that, with the lights on, a typical man might wonder why his girlfriend had weasel balls strapped to her leg. The reason is obvious to anyone with a degree in Magickery or Weasel Ballogy, as any magician at the time would tell you that the weasel balls would prevent pregnancy. Through the power of magick, you see. Yes, being a magician during the Dark Ages pretty much gave you a blank check. We may not be magicians and our amateur dabbling in gynecology has been less than revealing, but we're pretty sure this method is aces since we don't know many men who would be able to perform sexually after seeing a pair of innocent, severed balls hanging from his mate as decoration. #9.
Diaphragms ... Made of Crocodile Poo
Ancient Egyptians were a crafty lot, what with those pyramids and that cool dance and mummies and all. It's no surprise then that they were some of the first people to cook up a method of birth control that actually worked. They had figured out that you could stop the pregnancy if you had some kind of, uh, blockage there. Still, these were ancient times and there was an unspoken agreement that everything they did had to be horrible in some way. Thus, they made their sperm barriers out of honey and crocodile shit. Seriously, look it up. We wouldn't lie to you. Who exactly was the first to try this, and what their logic was, is lost to history. We know one thing though: When they finally invent a time machine, the first thing we're doing is going back to find out. #8.
Beaver Testicles, With Alcohol
In the 16th century, Canadians agreed that the testicles of small furry animals were key to pregnancy prevention. They were far more advanced than those silly, superstitious Europeans, so they got the brilliant idea to use moonshine with beaver testicles in it. The hooch was incredibly strong and the beaver balls were ground up into a fine powder, all to ensure the rampant Canadian sex would have no unfortunate side effects, other than having to drink grain alcohol with dried balls in it. This was presumably exactly as effective as the aforementioned magic weasel balls, but with the bonus of getting drunk off your ass (it should be noted that most Canadian scientific advancement can be summed up with these same words). #7.
Mercury
Ah, delicious, hot mercury. From the old days when it was considered a cure for almost everything, to the future when we'll make terminators out of it, mercury never goes out of style. Several thousand years ago in China, somebody logically came up with the idea of using mercury as birth control. Why not? After sex, women would do some shots of mercury, and we like to think they called it "Riding the Quicksliver Pony," then voila, no pregnancy. There may have been some sterility, brain damage and kidney failure, of course, but stopping the baby was the main thing. This was China, after all. But, hey, at least they were taking it orally. #6.
Diaphragms of Gold and Silver
Hey! This one doesn't sound so bad! While today's cervical caps are the idiot cousin of the diaphragm and not used all that often, a couple thousand years ago they were the shit. The basic idea was to make a little thimble that fit way up inside a woman over her cervix. While the unwashed masses were busy using oiled paper and beeswax to make these caps, the sluterati were having them made out of gold, silver and ivory. While these substances were no doubt awesome to anyone going spelunking in a woman's vagina and could give you a cool girl-band name like Ivory Twatter or Silver Coochella, they sometimes lead to things like Toxic Shock Syndrome, unusual odors, discharge and infections, not to mention pregnancy since they only work if properly fitted and have a chance of falling out during sex. But, hey, if things play out just right, your penis could come out wearing a shiny little top hat! And wouldn't that make it all worth it? |
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the animal intestines, as gross as you presented it, actually worked just fine, the method was accessible, easy to use, didn't provoke any kind of problems for neither the woman or the man, the sensation was very close to the natural [unprotected] feel for both the man and woman. the "skin" condoms were made indeed from animal intestines or bladders, treated with sulphur and lye, so they could be clean and keep their elasticity without drying.
at some point there were "condoms" made by animal horns [the man, japanese -in fact- as nobody is surprised by that, shoved the horn on the penis and then penetrate the woman] - they complained a lot about this method because "it felt different" than it should and not so pleasurable. the next step was the leather condom that had better success than the horns but still the same complains about it's similarity, or not, with the real sensations of sex.
these are the predecessors of the condom of today, those were the first ones that actually covered the entire penis [before the "skin" and "fine leather" condoms they were using different kind of covers only for the glans of the penis]
there was another method that was used about the same time as the "skin" condom, and it was linen sheaths soaked in a chemical solution and allowed to dry before use, placed on the head of the penis and held with a ribbon, but this method was actually the first protection against disease not primarily a birth control solution - the main problem that led to this, being the first outbreak of syphilis in the 15th century.
They actually did do a Diet Coke + Mentos douche on the Opie and Anthony radio show. I can't find the video, leading me to believe they have removed it, but it was pretty disgusting.
The Coke douche actually has something to it, because it is so acidic and sperm hate acid (one of the functions of precum is to neutralize the natural acidity of the vagina, preparing the way for the troops). You'd think all the sugar in there would be a one-way ticket to Yeast Infection-ville though.
All things considered, I'd go with the lemon.
LOL @ Elf!!!! Indeed there was but, if that's all they did then men wouldnt be able to sit and think of horrible stuff for women to stuff and drink. Then where would the fun be??
wasn't there an alternative way called deepthroat?
A thing going around from the 70's on was the cheap kids condom, a sandwitch baggie from lunch, course you could get a yeast infection.
One of the first actually was an apricot pit. It went into a camel, female type, to keep it from getting knocked up during long voyages across the sandy sea.
Holy hell! The part about saran wrap and tube socks was great! lol
hahahah these are amazing
check out the top ten worst condom ideas at studyandscore.blogspot.com
Supposedly, the lemon method was a favorite of Don Juan de Casanova. It's believed to have worked fairly well, at least there is no record of mass failure.
People used to use vinegar-soaked sponges, too.
Actually, I wanna know if that lemon way worked. That's kinda interesting. It would burn like f*****g hell, but it sounds interesting. Better than mercury.
if only we could still use mercury
ahh, canadians. what won't we do for booze?
Fat chicks are a great contraceptive
www.tokillfor.com
Do0o you think they used to get high?...cz then if they did or were it would either scare the crap out of them with weasil balls or they would just go right ahead and pomp??? which would so0o not prove weasil balls effective...btw magicians back then were bogus
Canada didn't exist in the 16th century. Thus, there were no Canadians using the beaver balls and moonshine remedy.
I didn't know what to expect when I clicked play... it was a black screen and frankly, I was a bit scared.
Funny article indeed, but I won't be shoving any of these up my vajayjay.
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All of a sudden, the popes up the last century make a bit more sense.
Just a bit, mind.