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History's 10 Most Terrifying Contraceptives

By Ian Fortey
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The three most terrifying things in the world are werewolves, clowns and unplanned pregnancy. Humanity has known this since time began and as such has endeavored to make sure the last one of these would happen as infrequently as possible.

When you combined extreme motivation, human ingenuity and the fact that most people are stupid, you wound up with contraception methods that will blow your mind. Or at least leave you feeling a little weird down there.

#10.
Weasel Testicles

In the Dark Ages in Europe, things were dark for a reason, not the least of which was that, with the lights on, a typical man might wonder why his girlfriend had weasel balls strapped to her leg.

The reason is obvious to anyone with a degree in Magickery or Weasel Ballogy, as any magician at the time would tell you that the weasel balls would prevent pregnancy. Through the power of magick, you see. Yes, being a magician during the Dark Ages pretty much gave you a blank check.

We may not be magicians and our amateur dabbling in gynecology has been less than revealing, but we're pretty sure this method is aces since we don't know many men who would be able to perform sexually after seeing a pair of innocent, severed balls hanging from his mate as decoration.

#9.
Diaphragms ... Made of Crocodile Poo

Ancient Egyptians were a crafty lot, what with those pyramids and that cool dance and mummies and all. It's no surprise then that they were some of the first people to cook up a method of birth control that actually worked. They had figured out that you could stop the pregnancy if you had some kind of, uh, blockage there.

Still, these were ancient times and there was an unspoken agreement that everything they did had to be horrible in some way. Thus, they made their sperm barriers out of honey and crocodile shit. Seriously, look it up. We wouldn't lie to you.

Who exactly was the first to try this, and what their logic was, is lost to history. We know one thing though: When they finally invent a time machine, the first thing we're doing is going back to find out.

#8.
Beaver Testicles, With Alcohol

In the 16th century, Canadians agreed that the testicles of small furry animals were key to pregnancy prevention. They were far more advanced than those silly, superstitious Europeans, so they got the brilliant idea to use moonshine with beaver testicles in it.

The hooch was incredibly strong and the beaver balls were ground up into a fine powder, all to ensure the rampant Canadian sex would have no unfortunate side effects, other than having to drink grain alcohol with dried balls in it. This was presumably exactly as effective as the aforementioned magic weasel balls, but with the bonus of getting drunk off your ass (it should be noted that most Canadian scientific advancement can be summed up with these same words).

#7.
Mercury

Ah, delicious, hot mercury. From the old days when it was considered a cure for almost everything, to the future when we'll make terminators out of it, mercury never goes out of style.

Several thousand years ago in China, somebody logically came up with the idea of using mercury as birth control. Why not? After sex, women would do some shots of mercury, and we like to think they called it "Riding the Quicksliver Pony," then voila, no pregnancy. There may have been some sterility, brain damage and kidney failure, of course, but stopping the baby was the main thing. This was China, after all.

But, hey, at least they were taking it orally.

#6.
Diaphragms of Gold and Silver

Hey! This one doesn't sound so bad! While today's cervical caps are the idiot cousin of the diaphragm and not used all that often, a couple thousand years ago they were the shit. The basic idea was to make a little thimble that fit way up inside a woman over her cervix. While the unwashed masses were busy using oiled paper and beeswax to make these caps, the sluterati were having them made out of gold, silver and ivory.

While these substances were no doubt awesome to anyone going spelunking in a woman's vagina and could give you a cool girl-band name like Ivory Twatter or Silver Coochella, they sometimes lead to things like Toxic Shock Syndrome, unusual odors, discharge and infections, not to mention pregnancy since they only work if properly fitted and have a chance of falling out during sex.

But, hey, if things play out just right, your penis could come out wearing a shiny little top hat! And wouldn't that make it all worth it?


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90 Comments

That little kid that's always screaming and throwing shit off the shelves and calling his mom words I didn't learn until last year...that kid that makes me seriously, really, honestly want to punch a child in the throat...that's a terrifying contraceptive.

Posted on 5/2/2008 10:26:15 PM

A 2x4 and a flight of stairs still works for my ladies.

Posted on 4/8/2008 8:07:01 PM

Re: Lemons, It was the famous Don Juan of Austria, who introduced the use of citrus diaphrams in Europe. He learned about it from the personal physician of the Admiral-Sultan he defeated at the battle of Lepanto, in 1571.

Posted on 4/6/2008 8:04:38 PM

I'm also pretty sure the Egyptians would kill anyone they preggers that they didn't want to get preggers. It beats having to send them this: http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=13&catid=8&sku=ENGL-CD00340

Posted on 3/30/2008 6:52:18 PM

Generally the Egyptians would use EITHER croc dung or honey. I'd hope for the honey! Especially since honey has been shown to have spermicidal effects. Makes you think before you grab that little bear...

Posted on 3/30/2008 11:35:57 AM

Really? hard to believe.i heard this news times from many friends playing on a tall dating site~~~~ Tallmingle.com ~~~,i did not believe, i think that they are know nothing but dating and love. i am wrong.

Posted on 3/26/2008 6:50:58 PM

InfectedVagina2go!

Here you go: http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=15&catid=23&sku=E-CD00263

Posted on 3/26/2008 12:07:18 AM

The lemon one looks very interesting, and would be a fun experiment. Probably my man would enjoy the taste better too. ...besides, you always squeeze lemon on fish first, right? ;-) ...and yes...although it's been said, it is a Wolverine, BUT, Weasels ARE RELATED (NOT ARE) to wolverines. That whole Ermine family. Weasels, Ferrets, Stoats, Martens, Skunks, Minks, Otters, Badgers and wolverines. ...although it makes me think of Wolverine the X-man...that would be a different thing all together, tying his balls to my leg... Quite Enjoyable as always!

Posted on 3/25/2008 10:44:23 PM

"But, hey, if things play out just right, your penis could come out wearing a shiny little top hat! And wouldn't that make it all worth it?" I'm glad you guys didn't post a picture of some nasty vagina on here as a sick joke. Nothing says "hey stick your penis in me" like an infected vagina.

Posted on 3/25/2008 9:25:08 PM

TO:fuckyou

So does your Mother.

Posted on 3/25/2008 9:22:16 PM

2Danielle

Sweetcakes...I think I'd eat the corn outta yer crap baby! Wanna git married?! -- XO

Posted on 3/25/2008 9:21:40 PM

Alt

alatariel_seregon, guess you don't understand a joke when you see one, It probably people like you looking for an excuse not to give women respect, I think danielle's comments rock

Posted on 3/25/2008 5:07:21 PM

LOL

Posted on 3/25/2008 4:20:37 PM

Someone needs a coke-douche

You fucking suck

Posted on 3/25/2008 3:17:36 PM

fuck you

this website fucking sucks

Posted on 3/25/2008 1:52:37 PM

alatariel_seregon

Oh Danielle, well aren't you a stand-up young lady. You make the rest of us really, really proud. Keep up your superb work, I DO hope all your ill-conceived children die of neglect before you can turn them into someone like you. Really. Girls like you behave like that, and say things like that, and then wonder, "why, oh, why, don't we get any respect?" No wonder we're not getting anywhere.

Posted on 3/25/2008 1:06:31 PM

Hi, I european sheep who love internet. Do you love internet sheep? You can see me and my sheep friends at www.internetminglesheep.com for lovely times with barnyard possibilities.

Posted on 3/25/2008 11:43:38 AM

I don't see what the big deal about putting your dick in sheep intestines is. I mean, nights on the farm can get kind of lonely. That's why I use the farmer's dating site, sheepmingle.com.

Posted on 3/25/2008 11:15:26 AM

Man, I was hoping that video was going to be of the coke douche in action.

Posted on 3/25/2008 9:37:46 AM

Cracked.com

Thanks compliment guy! You just won ONE THOUSAND penny fifths! Cracked.com wants to thank everyone for commenting on this artical. Especially you, TheRacist, we need more people like you on here. Really.

Posted on 3/25/2008 1:12:21 AM

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