Home > More Funny Stuff > The 10 Most Insane Medical Practices in History
Featured  

The 10 Most Insane Medical Practices in History

By Nathan Birch
article image

Have you ever been left with the impression after a thorough poking, prodding and testicular cupping at the doctor's office that perhaps they don't always know what's best? The thought is usually pushed from your mind, after all these people had to go through years of school and thousands of dollars of their wealthy parents' money to get where they are! If you can't trust them about your health, who can you trust?

Here's the thing though, doctors have a long storied background of not knowing what the hell they're doing. History is filled with stories of hilarious medical ineptitude, and in all likeliness, today's medical practices will be similarly snorted at 100 years down the road. In other words, if you're looking to justify your medical phobia so you can rationalize not getting that ever-growing lump on your neck checked out, you're in the right place.

#10.
Children's Soothing Syrups

In the 19th century, people were simply too busy churning butter, waxing their moustaches or changing in and out of 15 layers of undergarments every time they went to take a piss to be bothered with disobedient children. To aide the stressed 19th-century mother, a series of "soothing syrups," lozenges and powders were created, all which were carefully formulated to ensure they were safe for use by those most vulnerable members of the family. Oh, no, wait. Actually, they pumped each bottle full of as many narcotics as it could hold.

For instance, each ounce of Mrs. Winslow's Soothing Syrup contained 65 mg of pure morphine.

Based on our experiences teething and experimenting with pure morphine, that seems like a lot. Finally in 1910 the New York Times decided the whole narcotic-babysitter concept was probably bad in the long run, and ran an article pointing out that these soothing syrups contained, "...morphin sulphate, chloroform, morphine hydrochloride, codeine, heroin, powdered opium, cannabis indica," and sometimes several of them in combination.

You can't say the soothing syrups weren't effective, as long as you didn't mind your toddler being strung out on the midnight oil or, you know, dead. That's right, the terrible 2s weren't just a cutesy euphemism back then. Kids were not only at their brattiest but also often died, in many cases after their parents tried to cure the aforementioned brattiness with narcotic concoctions that would give Lindsay Lohan a nose bleed.

#9.
The Curative Powers of Mercury

Mercury is pretty neat stuff. The shiny silvery liquid has fascinated humans for millennia (there's evidence people used it as early as 1500 BC) and will undoubtedly continue to fascinate far into the future when shape-shifting Robert Patrick clones overtake the planet. How could something so awesome not be good for you?

That was the thinking for centuries, when Mercury was used to treat pretty much anything and everything. Scraped your knee? Just rub a little mercury on it. Having some problems with regularity? Forget fiber, time to get some mercury up in there! If you lived more than 100 years ago, you simply weren't considered healthy if you weren't leaking silver from at least one orifice.

Mercury, as we now know, is toxic as hell. Symptoms of mercury poisoning include chest pains, heart and lung problems, coughing, tremors, violent muscle spasms, psychotic reactions, delirium, hallucinations, suicidal tendencies, restless spleen syndrome, testicular twisting and anal implosion. OK, we just made the last few up, but they barely looked out of place on that horror show list of symptoms did they?

It's a testament to just how cool a substance Mercury is that people kept trying to cure shit with it for 1,000 years after everybody who ingested it dropped dead. "Yes my Lord, I'm afraid another member of your court has perished. The autopsy showed it was Silver Liver Syndrome. Not even the gallons of wicked-awesome Mercury we fed him could bring him back to health."

There was a silver lining, though, as it helped to fight the spread of STDs. Mercury was used as a cure for syphilis and to its credit, the "cure" usually resulted in one less person with syphilis in the world. It's generally believed Mozart was poisoned by mercury-based syphilis cures, which contradicts the film Amadeus in which he was killed by writing too much music somehow.

#8.
Calm Your Cough with Heroin

In the late 19th century people apparently took cough suppression seriously. We're talking "I'm-going-to-take-me- some-heroin-to-calm-this-cough" level serious, here. We know Victorians were sticklers for social etiquette and wheezing your head off was probably considered frightfully rude, but we can't imagine tying off and shooting some horse in the middle of a dinner party would go over terribly well, either.

Well you probably don't need us to tell you how addictive and destructive a drug heroin really is, but just in case ... Heroin? Might want to avoid that stuff. On the upside, it actually does suppress coughs, so if you do decide to become a junkie at least you'll save on buying Halls.

Heroin, by the way, was originally developed by Bayer. You know, those friendly folks behind harmless old aspirin.

Oh, and while we're taking on the man, we should also mention that Bayer used to be called IG Farben, a pharmaceutical and chemical conglomerate that allegedly sponsored experiments by Nazi torturers. How is this not at the center of every single Tylenol ad campaign: the fast acting pain reliever that has never sponsored Nazi torture camps.

#7.
Electrical Impotence Cures

Men have been desperately searching for solutions to their malfunctioning members since Grok the caveman clubbed a cavewoman, drug her to his cave only to drag her back out again a half hour later with an embarrassed look on his face and muttering excuses about how tired he is. In the late 19th century, the wonders of electricity became to be known to the common person. Surely this marvelous new technology could be used to heat things up in the boudoir, right?

Electrified beds, elaborate cock shocking electric belts and other strange devices were advertised as being able to return "male power" and prowess by making your penis rise to electrified attention like Frankenstein's 6-inch-tall monster.

What's fascinating is that you can find ads for more than one brand of electric dick-shock belt. That seems to indicate that the dick-shock belt industry somehow survived the negative word of mouth from the first dick-shock belt.

By "word of mouth," we mean the incoherent screams of the first customer which could presumably be heard in the next town.

#6.
Lobotomies

Imagine if you will. You're sitting on your psychiatrist's couch, pouring your tortured heart out about how depressed you are. He listens, jotting notes on a piece of paper and nodding intently. "I think I have the solution to your depression," he says as he produces a 10-inch-long ice pick. "I'm going to jam this into your eye socket, then put it into your brain using this mallet over here. Then, I'll wiggle it around so that it shreds part of your brain. Then you won't be depressed any more. Just lie still."

Congratulations hypothetical version of yourself living in the 1940s, you've just been lobotomized! Lobotomies were a popular fad for the first half of the 20th century and were floated as a "cure" for pretty much any mental issue you can name, from conditions as serious as schizophrenia to something as mild as depression or anxiety.

The inventor of the lobotomy was given a Nobel Prize for it in 1949. Doctors claimed the "ice-pick-to-the- freaking-eye" method of lobotomy would be as quick and easy as a trip to the dentist. By 1960, parents were getting them for their moody teenage children.

This practice didn't hang around as long as some on our list, but still some 70,000 people were lobotomized before somebody figured out that driving a spike into the brain probably was not the answer to all of life's problems.


  • First
  • ←  Previous
  • Page 1 of 2
  • Next  →
  • Last

Submit to: Reddit Facebook StumbleUpon Digg Del.icio.us

Post Comment

199 Comments

no leeches to prevent blood clots or maggots to get rid of dead skin? they are used today in actual working medical therapies, sure, but hey they should still be at 10 atleast.

Posted on 5/8/2008 10:40:01 PM

Ok. So now this shit is making sense to me. My in laws don't think I do enough around the house even though we have two kids. They also think dinner should be on the table when he comes home. But I guess I just don't have the right mix of stuff for us maybe if I could give them the morphine drink and could take those little crank pills things might look a little different here. How knew? I've been doing it wrong all along. Very funny almost peed my pance seriously

Posted on 4/13/2008 7:46:27 PM

At first i was thinking they took their cough medicine seriously becausethere's evidence that whooping cough was killing a lot of youngins back then. But now I'm thinking it was the medicine that actually killed them. Ironic.

Posted on 4/2/2008 10:49:01 PM

warcraft powerleveling

ھVibrating Screen2007ڶɽVibrating Screen佱ʢ֪ͨ ... ӿ콨Vibrating Screenǿ .... ʮһVibrating ScreenάȨעVibrating ScreenͶҪעVibrating ScreenʱЧwarcraft gold, Ѻwarcraft goldƵ, ;warcraft gold, warcraft gold ... йwarcraft gold, warcraft goldҵ_ƾ_, warcraft goldwarcraft gold,warcraft gold,ͩǡwarcraft goldwarcraft gold˾warcraft goldҳ.warcraft guideҵ,warcraft guideزҵwarcraft guideܱ߲Ʒ,רעwarcraft guide,ӭϿͻ. warcraft power levelingƵṩŶwarcraft power levelingԼΣƵԤwarcraft power levelingзϺwarcraft power leveling㽭warcraft power levelingwarcraft power levelingwarcraft power leveling·ѡwarcraft powerlevelingǺwarcraft powerlevelingҵŻվ,ṩwarcraft powerlevelingżҽwarcraft powerlevelingwarcraft powerlevelingɳwarcraft powerleveling,warcraft powerleveling,ɽwarcraft powerlevelingȫwarcraft powerlevelingϢվ.,811107792@eustar.com

Posted on 3/30/2008 3:25:15 PM

й𽺵ذһרҵ𽺵ذվ㣬עµ𽺵ذѶṩ𽺵ذ,ҺԭҺ̶ҺԭҺչ ҺչM߽ҵۺϢվṩM߽ţM߽߷M߽ڹ档ɽM߽. ɽM߽ڷ. ɽM߽. ɽM߽ڹ˾ M߽,M߽,M߽,M߽׬Ǯ,M߽,M߽,M߽ڸѡM߽רվΪM߽ṩȫƷM߽,M߽,M߽߹ۿ811107792@eustar.com

Posted on 3/23/2008 11:39:29 PM

There was a documentary about the female hysteria cures but I missed it.

Posted on 3/23/2008 6:47:50 PM

ɰ

DzTϢƽ̨,DzT,½DzTվ,˹DzT۴ʽʽѶʽչʾʽг飬ʽӪʽгʽѯʽ̳ ܲ˾һרҵıܲ˾ɵרҵܲ˾ܲ˾ǫ́,,,,,й̨,,,,,,ɽ,ʳ,Ƶ꾣ɰɰƵṩɰ㣬人ɰ㣬ṩ人ɰ˾人ɰ·811107792@eustar.com

Posted on 3/22/2008 1:45:13 PM

Һλ

Э۲˾۲幫˾,רҵ۲幫˾,۲ҵϵר߹۲幫˾۴Ƶ,йȨ۴ý,۴ԭ,۴,۴ҵ̸.˫۴(۴/Ϻ۴/۴/۴),۴һרҵ۴ й˾һרҵй˾й˾ƾ׿Խй˲ʵΪṩֵйҰĢ޹˾һҳʮרҵҰĢҵ,ҰĢҵΧ,ҰĢ˲, ҰĢ֪ʶΪܽҺλ,ϾҺλ,,ҺλưȷΪҺλϾṩϾҺλƾϾҺλ·811107792@eustar.com

Posted on 3/21/2008 6:54:19 PM

unknown

,ڸ˾ڸ˾.ɷڸʿɵһרҵڸ˾ڸ˾.ֽΰۣӷΰۣ̱ΰۣ¥ӷΰ¥ṩлƣлƷйлһѰҷлеĵطṩмֵķлƳɳ˾רҵȨƳɳ˾, ɳ˾Ӣ, ɳ˾𣿿ɣҪĸҲӭչϺΪרҵ鹫˾Ϊרҵķ鹫˾֮һ811107792@eustar.com

Posted on 3/21/2008 3:09:51 AM

I pretty sure it had something to do with docters having Carpal tunnel that the vibrator was invented

Posted on 3/20/2008 8:33:02 PM

쥸åȥ`ɡ^

人쥸åȥ`,人쥸åȥ`ɹ˾-(人)쥸åȥ`ɹ˾Ǻʡ人쥸åȥ`ɹ˾ʵĥ쥸åȥ`ɹ˾֮һ¥쥸åȥ`¥ݥ쥸åȥ`쥸åȥ`ɱضб쥸åȥ`ɱۣ쥸åȥ`绰ൺ쥸åȥ`Ƶൺ쥸åȥ`죬š쥸åȥ`ɳСƵꥯ쥸åȥ`ɳС쥸åȥ`ɽˮ쥸åȥ`ɵĿͨ쥸åȥ`ɡ^˾Ϊһרҵ쥸åȥ`ɡ^˾ӵдרҵ說쥸åȥ`ɡ^˲ţ쥸åȥ`ɡ^˾ƾ׿Խĥ쥸åȥ`ɡ^˲ʵ쥸åȥ`ɡ^,㶫ʡ쥸åȥ`ɡ^ֹٷվ,й쥸åȥ`ɡ^Ϸվ,Х쥸åȥ`ɡ^,,ť쥸åȥ`ɡ^,רҷ̸,ȥ쥸åȥ`ɡ^ѶĴ祯쥸åȥ`ɡ^,쥸åȥ`ɡ^Żݣ㣬쥸åȥ`ɡ^·Σμǣ쥸åȥ`ɡ^Ϣ811107792@eustar.com

Posted on 3/19/2008 8:26:33 AM

wow power leveling

ӱwow power levelingӱʡwow power leveling|ӱwow power leveling|ӱʡwow power leveling|ӱwow power leveling˾|ӱʡwow power leveling˾йĻwow power leveling̽йwow power levelingйĻйwow power levelingṩӦwow power levelingӴwow power levelingƷwow power levelingѯwow power leveling(Ϻ)˾رעĵwow power levelingɶṩӢwow power levelingwow power levelingwow power levelingwow power levelingwow power leveling(Ϻ)˾رעĵwow power levelingɶṩӢwow power levelingwow power levelingwow power levelingwow power levelingɹwow power levelingŻվ,wow power levelingɹwow power levelingƵ,wow power leveling.翴ýںwow power leveling ... ȫʡwow power levelingʾλǼwow power leveling93. Ͷwow power levelingҵڰ ... ʮһwow power levelingάȨעwow power levelingͶҪעʱЧ811107792@eustar.com

Posted on 3/18/2008 2:15:03 PM

eq2 plat

ʵdigital thermometerͻdigital thermometerԼ۱Ͷţdigital thermometerý󻯣digital thermometerӪĴElectrical motorṩɫרҵĴElectrical motor,կ,ɶ,կElectrical motor,,üɽ,ɽ,Electrical motorϢӱEQ2 goldӱʡEQ2 gold|ӱEQ2 gold|ӱʡEQ2 gold|ӱEQ2 gold˾|ӱʡEQ2 gold˾eq2 plat.Ҫṩeq2 platϵвƷṩйeq2 plateq2 platϢѯ߶eq2 platȷeq2 plat޹˾һҳʮרҵeq2 platҵ,eq2 platҵΧ,eq2 plat˲, eq2 plat֪ʶeq2 platṩeq2 plat߲źeq2 plateq2 platרҵƵeq2 platվ811107792@eustar.com

Posted on 3/17/2008 7:39:18 PM

wow powerleveling

Welcome here to buy the professional World of warcraft Power Leveling service, wow Power leveling for Cheap Wow Powerleveling, WoW Account Power leveling ...wow powerleveling..wow powerleveling..wow powerleveling..wow powerleveling.. wow powerleveling

Posted on 3/11/2008 4:18:00 AM

wow power leveling

Buy wow gold, Welcome to wow power leveling website! we offer wow powerleveling

Posted on 3/8/2008 5:28:47 AM

Sara

...I think I am getting a little hysterical... Better go see a doctor. =)

Posted on 3/6/2008 2:31:43 AM

world of warcraft gold

buy world of warcraft gold here, we sell cheap world of warcraft gold. All kinds of world of warcraft gold news and world of warcraft gold videos here .

Posted on 3/5/2008 1:25:00 AM

wow gold

welcome to wow gold hk buy wow gold.We supply cheap wow gold to reliable customers. welcome to wow gold,buy wow gold,sell wow gold.

Posted on 3/2/2008 2:40:06 AM

Scrounge

... Is it a bad sign that the one I'm thinking makes the most sense is the one ranked as #1 most insane? I mean, yeah, the condition's bullshit, but I can't see any harm in treating it anyways.

Posted on 3/1/2008 12:42:37 AM

ʷ

лʪлսԺ;ʪȫӪṩʪ·ѯȫλʪԼȨļʪѶϢѼͥ̎йͥ̎ҵֱƽ̨,ͥ̎ù,ͥ̎Ƶ,ͥ̎,Ϊοṩȫصļͥ̎ѯͥ̎ԤϢ񡣼ʪӪʪ߻,ʪഴ,ʪƷ,ʪ,ʪ˲,,ʪ,ʼʪ,ʪݰʪҵ̬ʪšʪгʪ೧ҡʪྭ̡ʪ4Sꡢʪ๺ ˾ĽܳϺʹ˾йԼʷṩ̣ʹ˾ǿԴʷ,ʷ,ʷ˾,ʷ,ʷ,ʷɳ,ʷ,ʷý,ʷ̸6787673@WOWGOLDS.COM

Posted on 2/28/2008 2:15:26 AM

More Funny Stuff


Popular stuff


Avatar
Michael Swaim
Posted: 5/14/2008 12:38:55 AM
Post Subject: Jon Stewart and Bill O'Reilly Actually Same Person?!

First of all, kudos to the marketing wizard who came up with the headline to this article: "Study Reveals Daily Show a Lot Like O’Reilly." I can’t think of a headline better formulated to pull in ...

Avatar The Most Anticlimatic Story Of All Time: The Daily Nooner (EST)!
You probably think I'm going to make fun of Marche Taylor for wearing a skimpy dress to her prom ...
Avatar How Do You Insure a Drunken Superhero?
An interesting little sidebar to the success of the Ironman films, are the reports about how Robert ...
Avatar The Weather Channel Sex Scandal: Oxymoron No Longer
The Weather Channel. The phrase brings to mind thoughts of planning your weekend, flipping through e ...
Avatar American TV Sucks. Thanks For Rubbing It In, Japan: The Daily Nooner (EST)
Ever since this whole War on Terror thing started, America has been slowly and steadily falling ...
Avatar 8 Things That Pissed Me Off About The FoxNews Fat Cops Report
Last week, something happened to me for the first time: I had an internet success. The premiere epi ...
Avatar 5 Things The Cracked Readers Apparently Want to Read About
digg_url = 'http://www.cracked.com/blog/2008/05/09/5-things-the-cracked-readers-apparently-w ...
Avatar Now That Was Entertainment! The Friday Nooner (EST)!
Ross Wolinsky is taking a personal day today. Filling in for him will be his grandfather, Pappy ...
Avatar Florida Threatens To Secede, America Goes Back To Sleep
digg_url = 'http://www.cracked.com/blog/2008/05/09/florida-threatens-to-secede-america-goes-back ...
Avatar The 10 Worst Ice Cream Flavors Ever (An Obituary)
I love ice cream. It’s the only dessert that when I eat it, it somehow gets into my stomach and pu ...
Recently Popular
Recently popular on Digg