The 10 Most Insane Medical Practices in History
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Have you ever been left with the impression after a thorough poking, prodding and testicular cupping at the doctor's office that perhaps they don't always know what's best? The thought is usually pushed from your mind, after all these people had to go through years of school and thousands of dollars of their wealthy parents' money to get where they are! If you can't trust them about your health, who can you trust? Here's the thing though, doctors have a long storied background of not knowing what the hell they're doing. History is filled with stories of hilarious medical ineptitude, and in all likeliness, today's medical practices will be similarly snorted at 100 years down the road. In other words, if you're looking to justify your medical phobia so you can rationalize not getting that ever-growing lump on your neck checked out, you're in the right place. #10.
Children's Soothing Syrups
In the 19th century, people were simply too busy churning butter, waxing their moustaches or changing in and out of 15 layers of undergarments every time they went to take a piss to be bothered with disobedient children. To aide the stressed 19th-century mother, a series of "soothing syrups," lozenges and powders were created, all which were carefully formulated to ensure they were safe for use by those most vulnerable members of the family. Oh, no, wait. Actually, they pumped each bottle full of as many narcotics as it could hold. For instance, each ounce of Mrs. Winslow's Soothing Syrup contained 65 mg of pure morphine.
Based on our experiences teething and experimenting with pure morphine, that seems like a lot. Finally in 1910 the New York Times decided the whole narcotic-babysitter concept was probably bad in the long run, and ran an article pointing out that these soothing syrups contained, "...morphin sulphate, chloroform, morphine hydrochloride, codeine, heroin, powdered opium, cannabis indica," and sometimes several of them in combination.
You can't say the soothing syrups weren't effective, as long as you didn't mind your toddler being strung out on the midnight oil or, you know, dead. That's right, the terrible 2s weren't just a cutesy euphemism back then. Kids were not only at their brattiest but also often died, in many cases after their parents tried to cure the aforementioned brattiness with narcotic concoctions that would give Lindsay Lohan a nose bleed. #9.
The Curative Powers of Mercury
That was the thinking for centuries, when Mercury was used to treat pretty much anything and everything. Scraped your knee? Just rub a little mercury on it. Having some problems with regularity? Forget fiber, time to get some mercury up in there! If you lived more than 100 years ago, you simply weren't considered healthy if you weren't leaking silver from at least one orifice. Mercury, as we now know, is toxic as hell. Symptoms of mercury poisoning include chest pains, heart and lung problems, coughing, tremors, violent muscle spasms, psychotic reactions, delirium, hallucinations, suicidal tendencies, restless spleen syndrome, testicular twisting and anal implosion. OK, we just made the last few up, but they barely looked out of place on that horror show list of symptoms did they?
It's a testament to just how cool a substance Mercury is that people kept trying to cure shit with it for 1,000 years after everybody who ingested it dropped dead. "Yes my Lord, I'm afraid another member of your court has perished. The autopsy showed it was Silver Liver Syndrome. Not even the gallons of wicked-awesome Mercury we fed him could bring him back to health." There was a silver lining, though, as it helped to fight the spread of STDs. Mercury was used as a cure for syphilis and to its credit, the "cure" usually resulted in one less person with syphilis in the world. It's generally believed Mozart was poisoned by mercury-based syphilis cures, which contradicts the film Amadeus in which he was killed by writing too much music somehow. #8.
Calm Your Cough with Heroin
Well you probably don't need us to tell you how addictive and destructive a drug heroin really is, but just in case ... Heroin? Might want to avoid that stuff. On the upside, it actually does suppress coughs, so if you do decide to become a junkie at least you'll save on buying Halls.
Oh, and while we're taking on the man, we should also mention that Bayer used to be called IG Farben, a pharmaceutical and chemical conglomerate that allegedly sponsored experiments by Nazi torturers. How is this not at the center of every single Tylenol ad campaign: the fast acting pain reliever that has never sponsored Nazi torture camps. #7.
Electrical Impotence Cures
Electrified beds, elaborate cock shocking electric belts and other strange devices were advertised as being able to return "male power" and prowess by making your penis rise to electrified attention like Frankenstein's 6-inch-tall monster.
What's fascinating is that you can find ads for more than one brand of electric dick-shock belt. That seems to indicate that the dick-shock belt industry somehow survived the negative word of mouth from the first dick-shock belt.
#6.
Lobotomies
Congratulations hypothetical version of yourself living in the 1940s, you've just been lobotomized! Lobotomies were a popular fad for the first half of the 20th century and were floated as a "cure" for pretty much any mental issue you can name, from conditions as serious as schizophrenia to something as mild as depression or anxiety.
The inventor of the lobotomy was given a Nobel Prize for it in 1949. Doctors claimed the "ice-pick-to-the- freaking-eye" method of lobotomy would be as quick and easy as a trip to the dentist. By 1960, parents were getting them for their moody teenage children. This practice didn't hang around as long as some on our list, but still some 70,000 people were lobotomized before somebody figured out that driving a spike into the brain probably was not the answer to all of life's problems. |
Heroin, by the way, was originally 
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TZaka: "Oh and urine is sterile, no harm in drinking it."
Mercury is sterile, too. Let's all go get a big glass!
You people do know that 'sterile' and 'non-toxic' are not synonymous, right? Sterile means 'free of pathogens'. So there should be no living bacteria in it, right enough. Oh, wait.
TK21: "Urine is sterile in that it does not contain toxins."
Well, apparently not everyone does know that.
And yes, I realize that the person who said that was STILL pointing out that drinking pee is a bad idea.
Dizzypdx: "Excess nutrients are passed into the urine, so drinking it will allow you to absorb those nutrients."
Are you actually suggesting that the human body is so inefficient that it just pumps out nutrients it could be using? Urine may well contain excess water-soluble nutrients, but only if your body already has an overabundance. Hence the word 'excess'. And if you do then ingest your urine to get those nutrients, considering that as we've already established, your body has a sufficient amount, what do you think is going to happen to that 'excess'? Yes, in theory, you could continue doing that until the amount in your body has decreased, and repetition after repetition, absorbing more and more 'til you get it all. Presuming you don't absorb any more of the vitamin in question from any other source. Me? I'll just take a multivitamin in the morning. A couple bucks for a bottle of 'em beats walking around with my breath smelling like a urinal sans cake.
Dizzypdx: "That is why a lot of animals eat feces."
Noooooooooooo . . . I don't think I should have to explain . . . different processes, different holes, and COMPLETELY different substances. If you get those two confused, heaven help you. I'm just gonna quote, here from "The Scoop on Poop" by Brenna E. Lorenz:
"Herbivores such as rabbits and rodents eat their own poop because their diet of plants is hard to digest efficiently, and they have to make two passes at it to get everything out of the meal. This is equivalent to a cow chewing its cud, only cows are able to re-eat their food without having to poop it out first. Another reason why animals eat poop is that poop contains vitamins produced by their intestinal bacteria. The animal is unable to absorb the vitamins through the intestinal wall, but can get at them by eating the poop. Another reason that animals such as dogs and flies eat poop is that poop contains a certain amount of protein."
Amount of information there that has anything to do with the supposed benefits of drinking urine: 0. Because, you see, one of them relies on getting at things that have made it through the digestive system, which is not the most efficient process in the body since it's not at all uncommon for things to make it through without being entirely digested (corn, anyone? No?). The other relies on the notion that your body has absorbed the nutrients into the blood, and that your kidneys, deciding to be completely fucktarded, just pull those nutrients out arbitrarily, while you still need them, and pump 'em into your bladder. One is reasonable (if you happen to be of a species that smells a turd and dinner bells go off in your brain), and the other is somewhat unnecessary at best, and crazy at worst.
Though, honestly, if you believe one's a good idea, then salvaging that last little bit of protein by going after the Baby Ruth in the toilet might not seem like a bad idea.
tl;dr version: Don't drink pee, K?
Urine is sterile in that it does not contain toxins. However, the whole point of urinating is to rid the body of nitrogen-containing compounds in the form of urea. When drinking urine, the bacteria in your stomach break down the urea into nitrogen again and you absorb the nitrogen into your system. This can cause mental degeneration, seizures, coma and death. Try telling people with kidney disease who need dialysis once or twice a week that you don't need your kidneys to work after all! Urinating is completely useless!
Urine, while sounding really disgusting, is actually rather healthy. Excess nutrients are passed into the urine, so drinking it will allow you to absorb those nutrients. That is why a lot of animals eat feces.
I would like to add that I both read the article and wrote this response while eating lunch. So I don't want to hear about weak stomachs from you males.
Oh and urine is sterile, no harm in drinking it. It is just stupid urine being toxins filtered out of your body.
Well lobotomies, not that crude method of the 40s, are still done in extreme cases of epilepsia as it is the only way to stop extremely bad and frequent cesures. Trepanation is a standard neurosurgical procedure to evacuate a haematoma (usually epidural) after head trauma. You could still use if no better option bloodletting if you have haemochromatosis(to much iron in your blood), because else your organs kind of get shut down one by one. So yeah like your style, probably good feedback, but really do some medical research before you right an article about something medical.
Haha so we get a f*****g electric c**k belt (well not me, I'm a stallion you see) - and women are getting to live out their kinky doctor fantasys for acting crazy!
The lobotomy reminds me of that scene in "From Hell". I never want one...
Well, this Female Hysteria cure explains how our country started out to be extremely sexist.
Your woman nagging you too much? Trying giving her an orgasm!
Trepanations are still induced today to treat brain injuries. Removing cranial bones and drilling holes help give room for swelling.
And breathing too much is bad for you. It is common knowledge that one can faint from hyperventilation and deaths have occured from breathing pure oxygen which is toxic.
I would rather have my skull trepanned than let someone strap an alectrified nut-belt around my waist.
And what happier ending is there than the vibrator?
Doctors disapproved of 'curing hysteria' because they were prudes. I'm not being stupid, victorian doctors tried so limit people having sex by saying it caused cancer of the womb, among a load of other things. They were as bad as priests when it came to opinions on sex.
That said, there were a lot of cases of supposed fake hysteria by woman, though I disagree with the accusation of "they did it for attention" ^^
The weird thing about trepanning is it didn't actually kill everyone it was performed on...they have found skulls with evidence of trepanning holes in that have actually healed over, meaning that the person lived to heal from trepanning! Also, many cultures believed [and still do today] that the hole-in-the-head thing was an effective way of releasing evil demon spirits that were posessing the body.
I can attest to the value of narcotics when you've got a cough. Vicodin works great when you've got a hacking cough and can't sleep :)
My grandmother talks about giving her kids paragoric for all sorts of things, including what it was meant for - diarrhea. It was good for teething, colds, flu, all sorts of things. It's a wonder my dad and uncle survived childhood.
as for the urin cure i have an aunt who uses her childrens urin to cure pink eye when they get it, now that sounds fun, " hey mom my eye itches" "its ok get your sister to pee in it, youll be alright."
Frankenstiens 6 inch monster? Speak for yourself.
oh that picture under 10 with the mother and baby is so cruel
you can almost hear the mother taunting the kid
"look I have your heroin/morphine juice, but you cant have it!"
*dangles it higher out of infants reach*
and why the hell is the kid naked anyways
weird
http://bux.to/?r=Requin join ad earn money
Trepanation starts early: http://scienceblogs.com/omnibrain/upload/2007/06/trepanation_game.jpg
Great article! You are a good writer. I loved your urban legends article! I remember when I was a teenager and beginning to experience acne. My dad told me to wash my face in my own urine to get rid of the pimples. I think that was the first time I ever uttered the phrase "Aw Hell Naw!". As for number 1 why-oh-why was this practice discontinued?! I've been feeling quite anxious and irritable lately myself!
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ok poor choice of words but you did only quote the first to empower your rant. It has the toxins filtered by your kidneys in a days time. Deluted iv about 1-2 liters. So comparing it to mercury is kind of ridiculous. You would need to by living near a chemical plant and drinking your pee daily some weeks to see increase in bloodtoxin levels as your kidneys still do their job. And the stuff about nutrient well usually high protein in urine is bad. That shouldn't be there. And its not really about excess because particles over 50 nm and with negative charge should not cross that slits in the glomerulus.