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Not every endangered species is a breed of particularly fluffy kitten that's been driven to death by a nasty capitalist SUV factory. Some are endangered in the same way that smallpox is endangered: because they should be, dammit. Here are six endangered species that, in our opinion, aren't endangered enough. #6.
Goliath Bird Eating Spider
It's frequently described as "larger than a dinner plate," presumably because spider-scientists don't want to freak people out with the significantly more relevant "big enough to fit over your face." It's a foot across and, when it's in the mood, brings down entire birds and eats them. It doesn't make webs, or leap great distances--it just slowly sneaks up behind things and jumps on them. Yes, just like in your nightmares. Go ahead and check behind you. We'll wait. As if a giant spider that can bring down a moderate-sized flying animal wasn't bad enough, it's one of the "hissing bastard spiders" (that's actually its full scientific name), the creepiest creature to exist outside of a horror novel. At this point, evolution clearly just started piling in everything nasty that could possibly fit: Its spit can dissolve flesh down to the bone AND it can shoot invisible hairs that cut your eyes and mouth. While the "intelligent designer" theory has lost steam of late, the "sadistic bastard creator" theory is single-handedly supported by the existence of this creature.
Its venomous bite is not fatal, but can cause pain and swelling. We'd like to take a moment to praise those bite victims who did not die of sheer terror, and who we presume now work in Afghanistan kicking sand for landmines, having utterly used up their entire life's supply of fear. When you've looked down and seen a screaming Frisbee-sized spider with its fangs sunk in you, you're probably going to need to be thrown out of an airplane into a volcano before you'll ever feel mildly concerned again.
So how do we finish them off?
a) Single-handedly engage the entire terrorist forces of Mujhadikkaklikkastan or
#5.
Ravoux's Slavemaker Ant
Do you have an irrational, creeping fear of insects? Allow us to replace it with an entirely rational terror of them! Check this: A slavemaker queen fakes death, allowing itself to be carried into an enemy nest. There, it then rips their queen apart, coats itself in the bits left over, then immediately starts pumping out soldier eggs. The locals then raise their own enslaving army to maturity.
The new 100 percent soldier-baby society pretty rapidly runs out of locals, so they mount expeditions to break into other nests, bite the locals in half and steal their eggs. This is a species for whom murdering parents and enslaving the children is genetically programmed. It's a hive-minded hybrid of Hannibal Lecter and Hitler with a suicidally dedicated army of millions. We can therefore at least say this one isn't made by Satan, if only because he wouldn't risk creating his own replacement.
So how do we finish them off?
Being an expansionist slave-owning culture is one thing--all you need to do is invent pointed sticks, bronze or gunboats before everyone else and you're in charge. But a genocidal slave race that's endangered? When you're winning you're a "culture," but when you're losing you're "vicious hateful bugs that will be stomped flat as soon as we find boots utterly airtight enough to avoid the risk of touching you." #4.
Ganges Shark
A shark is a 24-hour tooth factory attached to an organic outboard motor. The only reason we're killing them at all is because we evolved the ability first. If even one of those flesh-seeking missiles had taken time out from mincing things with its face to develop a thumb-fin, we'd be hiding up trees from giant water-filled roboshark suits. Ability to swallow a child without chewing notwithstanding, we've never considered sharks a major threat--keep out of the sea, miles the fuck away from Amity Island, avoid sticking your legs into mouths that look like tooth-lined oil barrels and you're golden. The problem is that the Ganges shark, as the names suggests, swims in a big freshwater river--just like regular, non-humanivorous fish. The vegan tofu brigade point out that the incomplete bodies washing up on the Ganges shore might have been dismantled by the Bull shark, not the innocent friendly Ganges shark, which presumably uses its vast collection of teeth to sieve pollution.
But this isn't a murder trial, PETA. We're not looking for the exact multi-molared monstrosity that converted someone into pork confetti on the night last Tuesday. We're not going round interviewing sardines asking "Have you seen this cartilaginous killing machine?" If you even look like you eat people and hang around in a freshwater river where we wish to remain uneaten then welcome to evolution, sharks: loser, you. We stopped at 32 teeth and started on fingers, you just kept going, and now you'll see why that was a bad investment.
So how do we finish them off?
We're told that simply having the military line up along the banks and fire machine guns into the water is both expensive and inefficient, so we'd probably have to look into just poisoning the water somehow, or perhaps creating a chemical reaction that will turn all of the rivers into a powerful acid. How else will we make the waters safe for our children? |
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PHOTO SHOP MUCH !!!! f**k people
All your articles and pages always make me think that you're talking about something else . I'm either paranoid or think too much.
This really wasnt about pandas.
I f*cking hate f*cking pandas!!!
In my opinion we are way too interested in pandas f*****g, both negatively and positively.
Everytime a zoo tries to get pandas to breed in captivity, it's all over the damn local news. Incessant photographs of Ping-Ling and Ling-Ping flood the airwaves, and a bunch of merry retards camp out to watch striped bears do the nasty. Replace the pandas with humans and we call it the Internet, and its naughty and wrong, but getting really excited about whether Ping-Ling stings Ling-Ping is somehow cute and educational. LEAVE THE GODDAMN ANIMALS ALONE ALREADY. If they're horny and attracted to each other, they'll do what God intended. Until then, the rest of us don't want the mental image. Thank you.
And in reaction to this, we have the great Fight Club judgement that Pandas do not deserve to have life, for they do not screw! There's a certain Darwinian logic to this, but overall its just the same disappointment and over-interest in a semi-bear's reproductive habits. Would you want someone ready to put a bullet between your eyes if you couldn't get it up?
Let me be clear -- I do not care about: a) pandas f*****g, b) pandas in general, c) most endangered species in general. Humans may make a hell for certain species, buy we make a heaven for others (cockroaches, rats, pigeons, dogs). The difference is that we've decided that the specialized species who can't adapt to us are purer and more valuable than the generalists who can. Wake up people: We are the dogs and rats and pigeons of the earth.
YES f**k PANDAS
aww....panda shouldnt be on this list.
Pandas have a cool species epithet, which is the cutest thing about them.
You're relying on outdated information, kitourahime. Giant Pandas have been proven to be bears by DNA testing. Red Pandas are still racoons, though.
.....Pandas aren't bears.They're related to racoons.
The pandas no having sex thing makes sense, when the all look like the same goddamned thing, looking odd would be considered attractive, but they don' breed enough to create odd looking pandas.
Latin for wierd dick....humor mirrors linguistics.
We need maggots and vultures to clean up the mess of the uncouth carnivoures.
I'm not afraid of spiders, but the spider freaked me out. I agree with the ants. Jesus.
Damn neahga.. who cares lol.. its a comedy website not national geographic..
The laziness thing with pandas comes from the low nutrient content of bamboo. It's like trying to live off of corn stalks, only not so good. As fro the bear issue, Panda's split from the bear lineage after raccoons, right about the same time the short-faced bears split off a few million years ago. So, no, they're not raccoons (the red panda is whole different critter), and they're most closely related to bears.
I agree about the pandas. They are f*****g useless. They are like love bugs... only they are the opposite, in that they NEVER DO THE NASTY! They give males pandas female after female, but NO! Lazy bastards should die out.
I'm just like a panda sadly... too lazy to survive on my own.
pandas are too damn lazy to survive on their own, thus they should be on this list because clearly evolution left these fuckers in a bad way.
Panda's are just FREAKING lazy; Did you know their way of "fighting" is about 90% of the time a pissing contest?
Who can piss the highest against a tree wins.
Panda's rule...
Ps: Panda's are also too lazy to totally murder you like other bears, a few days ago some dumb chinese student went in a panda cage to cuddle one... he survived with some scratches and bruises (not sure if he had a broken arm)
so tbh... Panda's shouldn't be on this list :P
red pandas are more related to racoons than Panda Bears. I think the people that deal with taxonomy are pretty behind their original assessment that Panda bears are in the bear family, hence they're called bears=\ red pandas however are smaller, and look like a cross between a fox and a racoon.
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I understand wanting the Nazi ants to die out, and I can see your frustration with the pandas, but why vultures? it's not like they're attacking the livestock and raping the farmers' daughters...