This week, CRACKED might have told you some things you didn't want to hear. You're not as tough as James Blunt, you're about to get excited about an almost totally arbitrary holiday, and that sex robot you asked your parents to get you for said arbitrary holiday ... well, it might not be as awesome as you had imagined.
Just know this: We're only telling you this because we love you. Or, because the Cracked Christmas party was last night and we're still a little drunk. At this point, we can't really tell.that, miraculously, isn't racist or about pornography. That's not to say that bloggers didn't have anything offensive to say, not by any means. Picking up Swaim's slack, Gladstone manages to cram racism, murder and funny-looking composite sketch jokes into
CELEBS NOT TO STEP TO!
Closeted Badasses: 6 Famous Wusses That Would Own You
If you're planning on making a run at a celebrity, Michael Flatley, MC Hammer and Fez are out. As far as we know, Andy Dick, the lead singer of the Plain White T's and Hannah Montana are all totally still up for grabs.
Notable Comment: Yabels posts an amazing story: "Where is Pee Wee Herman on this list?! I'm a 6'6, 350lbs bouncer at a club in the Bronx, and one night, back in 1998 when I refused his white ass entrance just for looking like a wuss, he took me down with a combination drop-kick, haymaker, upper-cut, flying elbow to the jaw, solar plexus jab, headbutt, eye gouge, fishhook, judo chop, sonic boom, a "get over here!," (how the hell he got that harpoon in his shirt sleeve, I'll never know), and a straight-up bitch slap. After which, he stepped over me as I struggled to breathe and removed my soul with a technique he undoubtedly learned from Tsang Shung. I saw him later on that night, scoring with two chicks in the VIP. He gave one of them my soul, and now I'm a 5'4 123lbs blonde who works at a Forever 21 in Jersey." That story can't not be true.
GOD AND STUFF!
The God Fuse: 10 Things Christians and Atheists Can (And Must) Agree On
CRACKED editor David Wong unites Christians and Atheists just in time for Christmas. Next week, we'll explain how the differences between Republicans and Democrats, are really just illusions forced upon us by pundits and ambitious, self-serving bureaucrats. Or, we'll just post something else about why the Kindle sucks.
Notable Comment: In possibly the most notable comment of all, Jesus Christ posts, "Good Job summing up what I think about everything." No prob, J.C.
CHRISTMAS' SHADY PAST!
Pagan Orgies to Human Sacrifice: The Bizarre Origins of Christmas
You mean there's actually a reason we hang mistletoe? Like, other than forcing girls to kiss us? And, it has something to do with god semen? Wow, who would have thought you could make forcing random girls to kiss you even creepier than it already was.
Notable Comment: "Sigh. Beastiality was brought up, someone posted their fraternity's mission statement for some reason and Keanu Reeves stops by to say "Whoa" six or seven times. You guys know this was an article about Christmas, right? You know that, above every comments section, there's a whole article loaded with words that generally has a point, right? And that this one was about Christmas? Is ... Can anyone ... Hello?"
LISTEN UP, RUPERT!
5 Features MySpace Desperately Needs
We'd never even heard of MySpace before this article was sent in, and we're still not totally sure what it's all about. Is it exclusively for pedophiles, or just mostly for pedophiles? Or, what exactly is the ratio of pedophiles-to-future-pedophiles?
In an unprecedented move in CRACKED history, one commenter receives the coveted "Notable Comment" spot twice in one week! We again yield the floor to Yabels but, this time, it is for his uncanny Dane Cook impression. "Dane Cook presents: 'ANTI-FRIEND.' Cook: 'Everybody knows somebody they just haaaaate. And I mean haaaaaate, like the chick from your last relationSHIT? You know? Well bro, that's your ANTI-FRIEND! Yeah, wouldn't it be cool if you could just say to that person, 'Hey, I don't like you, you're my anti-friend. That's how much you're not my friend, you're the opposite of friend, you're the anti-friend. Go away from me anti-friend, be gone!' And like on MySpace you can just click 'anti-friend' and have a top list of anti-friends. You just tell 'em, 'Chew on that for awhile, anti-friend, put it in your mouf, it's tasty, you know?!'"
The 10 Worst Powers to Have on Heroes
"What is that, are you freezing time Hiro? Oh ... I'll ... I'll just be over here, melting, uh ... melting this toaster. Oh, yeah, sure, I'll hold your keys while you save the world."
Notable Comment: The comments were full of complaints, the two main ones being that we failed to mention that Niki has the power of super-strength and that Matt Parkman's power has evolved to enable him to manipulate thoughts. The Parkman complaint would be valid if it weren't for the fact that we acknowledged this fact in the FUCKING TEXT OF THE ARTICLE, specifically when we said, "Of course, in the second season Parkman developed the ability to alter people's thoughts ..." As long you people keep not reading our articles, we'll continue sniping at you from a position of authority.
On the Niki thing, her super-strength wasn't mentioned because IT WOULD HAVE TOTALLY SCREWED UP THE JOKE WE WERE TRYING TO MAKE. Oh wait, we're being told that's not a good enough reason. Our bad. We'll do something humiliating to our Heroes fact checker and post it next week.
FAKE THINGS YOU WOULDN'T BUY!
The 10 Worst Fictional Products in Pop Culture History
You might not have needed us to point out why a bagpipe/machine gun/flamethrower combo was horribly inconvenient, but we did it anyway. In fact, we did the hell out of it.
The News on Cracked
Anchorman Lex Friedman tells you why Nickelodeon is a douchebag, kicks wisdom about a really slow Christmas card, and uses a picture of Pamela Anderson (left) to get you to watch jokes about Alltel. It's all the news you'll ever need, assuming you also read The New York Times and CNN.com everyday, and are otherwise pretty well-versed in current events.
"Sadly, Ralph realized that showing up for the demonstration half-naked wasn't near enough to make him the center of attention."
"No matter how many clothes Jake took off, still Chris Cornell wouldn't even look at him."
"Imelda Marcos suddenly realized she was in hell. She only had $19.95."
"The Clearance Sale of Dr. Moreau."
"Nancy was too young to understand what was happening, but that didn't stop Bruno from enjoying it."
Editor's pick (tie):
"A pictorial representation of Michael Jackson's life from right to left."
"Mary had had enough shit from the Llama, with one swift punch she burst through its rib cage and pulled out its still beating heart."
"In his later years, Santa Claus began to offer increasingly bizarre things to children."
"O.K. who ordered the bearded clam?"
"'Hey Lenny,' Ted Danson said out of the side of his mouth, 'You look a little ... crabby.' Everybody laughed! Except for Lenny, who had just discovered that cramped lobster suits still have enough room for revolvers."
"Next up is a breed of Sebastion and Flounder ..."
"Few of MadDogs's biker buddies knew about his secret double life."
"The squad stood silent. The Captain still hadn't noticed. In the midst of a rage-filled tirade ... he actually shit out of his nose."
"There's no definitive way to prove it, but chances are very likely that this picture was taken in Japan."
"Alas, the sun god Ra would again be disappointed by another batch of followers."
Bawitdaba, pass the green beans.
It's hard out there for millionaire purveyors of garbage pizza.