LISTEN UP, RUPERT!
5 Features MySpace Desperately Needs
We'd never even heard of MySpace before this article was sent in, and we're still not totally sure what it's all about. Is it exclusively for pedophiles, or just mostly for pedophiles? Or, what exactly is the ratio of pedophiles-to-future-pedophiles?
In an unprecedented move in CRACKED history, one commenter receives the coveted "Notable Comment" spot twice in one week! We again yield the floor to Yabels but, this time, it is for his uncanny Dane Cook impression. "Dane Cook presents: 'ANTI-FRIEND.' Cook: 'Everybody knows somebody they just haaaaate. And I mean haaaaaate, like the chick from your last relationSHIT? You know? Well bro, that's your ANTI-FRIEND! Yeah, wouldn't it be cool if you could just say to that person, 'Hey, I don't like you, you're my anti-friend. That's how much you're not my friend, you're the opposite of friend, you're the anti-friend. Go away from me anti-friend, be gone!' And like on MySpace you can just click 'anti-friend' and have a top list of anti-friends. You just tell 'em, 'Chew on that for awhile, anti-friend, put it in your mouf, it's tasty, you know?!'"
The 10 Worst Powers to Have on Heroes
"What is that, are you freezing time Hiro? Oh ... I'll ... I'll just be over here, melting, uh ... melting this toaster. Oh, yeah, sure, I'll hold your keys while you save the world."
Notable Comment: The comments were full of complaints, the two main ones being that we failed to mention that Niki has the power of super-strength and that Matt Parkman's power has evolved to enable him to manipulate thoughts. The Parkman complaint would be valid if it weren't for the fact that we acknowledged this fact in the FUCKING TEXT OF THE ARTICLE, specifically when we said, "Of course, in the second season Parkman developed the ability to alter people's thoughts ..." As long you people keep not reading our articles, we'll continue sniping at you from a position of authority.
On the Niki thing, her super-strength wasn't mentioned because IT WOULD HAVE TOTALLY SCREWED UP THE JOKE WE WERE TRYING TO MAKE. Oh wait, we're being told that's not a good enough reason. Our bad. We'll do something humiliating to our Heroes fact checker and post it next week.
FAKE THINGS YOU WOULDN'T BUY!
The 10 Worst Fictional Products in Pop Culture History
You might not have needed us to point out why a bagpipe/machine gun/flamethrower combo was horribly inconvenient, but we did it anyway. In fact, we did the hell out of it.
The News on Cracked
Anchorman Lex Friedman tells you why Nickelodeon is a douchebag, kicks wisdom about a really slow Christmas card, and uses a picture of Pamela Anderson (left) to get you to watch jokes about Alltel. It's all the news you'll ever need, assuming you also read The New York Times and CNN.com everyday, and are otherwise pretty well-versed in current events.
"Sadly, Ralph realized that showing up for the demonstration half-naked wasn't near enough to make him the center of attention."
"No matter how many clothes Jake took off, still Chris Cornell wouldn't even look at him."
"Imelda Marcos suddenly realized she was in hell. She only had $19.95."
"The Clearance Sale of Dr. Moreau."
"Nancy was too young to understand what was happening, but that didn't stop Bruno from enjoying it."
Editor's pick (tie):
"A pictorial representation of Michael Jackson's life from right to left."
"Mary had had enough shit from the Llama, with one swift punch she burst through its rib cage and pulled out its still beating heart."
"In his later years, Santa Claus began to offer increasingly bizarre things to children."
"O.K. who ordered the bearded clam?"
"'Hey Lenny,' Ted Danson said out of the side of his mouth, 'You look a little ... crabby.' Everybody laughed! Except for Lenny, who had just discovered that cramped lobster suits still have enough room for revolvers."
"Next up is a breed of Sebastion and Flounder ..."
"Few of MadDogs's biker buddies knew about his secret double life."
"The squad stood silent. The Captain still hadn't noticed. In the midst of a rage-filled tirade ... he actually shit out of his nose."
"There's no definitive way to prove it, but chances are very likely that this picture was taken in Japan."
"Alas, the sun god Ra would again be disappointed by another batch of followers."
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