Closeted Badasses: 6 Famous Wusses That Would Own You
Every guy has done it: You're watching TV when some metrosexual nancy boy comes bandying across the screen to the delight of every female in the room. "What's that pussy got that I don't?" is usually the question we're left asking. Unfortunately, the answer is often "a whole lot." For example ...
#6.
James Blunt
Who Is This Wuss?
James Blunt is the helium-voiced, Jagger-lipped balladeer who burst onto the scene in 2005 with your mom's favorite song, "You're Beautiful." Once his career took off, Blunt could be found every time you turned on your fucking radio or television, including on such rawk-ready shows as Oprah and Sesame Street, where he sang a reworked version of "You're Beautiful" called "Triangles." Jesus tapdancing Christ.
According to our friend Wikipedia, "You're Beautiful" received massive airplay in the U.K., which helped propel Blunt's debut album, Back To Bedlam, to No. 1 on the U.K. albums chart. This helped unseat Coldplay's X&Y from the pole position, a fact we only mention because those last few words manage to make James Blunt and Coldplay sound even gayer. In short, James Blunt is the kind of guy you'd probably like to punch clean in the face. If he walked into the room, the only thing stopping you would probably be a sense of pity, and possibly the fear of doing some sort of lasting damage to his delicate, child-like frame.
Why He Owns You:
Have you ever driven a tank? James Blunt has. Before launching a career in leprechaun troubadourism, James Blunt served as a captain in the British Army. Granted, it's the British Army, but you can bet your ass that the training required to make captain involves learning several techniques that would see to it that he could whoop your ass six ways to Sunday before you land a single womanly slap.
To make matters worse (for you), during the war in Kosovo Blunt was put in charge of leading 30,000 troops into the Kosovan capital. So not only could he fuck you up proper, he's the type of dude that people put in charge of ordering around tens of thousands of other men fully capable of doing the same. It should go without saying he leaves a trail of vanquished supermodels in his wake wherever he goes.
Who You Are In Comparison:
#5.
Michael Flatley
Who Is This Wuss?
Michael Flatley is the fancy-footed Irish-American step dancer behind beloved prance fests like "River Dance," "Lord of the Dance," "Feet of Flames" and "The Celtic Tiger." This is where we'd normally insert a joke about how we made one of those names up. Not this time.
"The Celtic Tiger," his most recent show, explores the struggles Ireland faced as it grew as a nation hellbent on overcoming its oppressors. It explores these issues through the power of gay-as-all-hell tap dancing performed in unison. In 1998, Flatley made the Guinness Book of World Records when he achieved an astounding 35 taps per second, a record later broken by some dude named James Devine. Well, fine, try topping this James: In September, 2000, the Sorbonne in Paris awarded Flatley their prestigious ... um ... "Coq Flambee" award.
?
According to Wikipedia, this is vaguely described as being awarded for "his commitment to furthering Franco-Irish relations." And just when you think it can't get any gayer, Mike has to go and start playing the flute. Yep, Michael Flatley is an acclaimed flautist with three albums to his credit. What a pussy, right?
Why He Owns You:
Wrong. For you, Michael Flatley is an embarrassing ass beating waiting to happen. With all of the prancing about and flute-playing, you might expect him to have been raised by Hobbits. It's misconceptions like this that will have you lying unconscious in a mosaic of your own teeth and blood should you ever see him in public and decide to engage in a little sissy-boy taunting.
Michael Flatley actually grew up far from Middle Earth, on the South Side of Chicago. Tripping the life dancetastic while growing up in one of the most notoriously blue collar sections of America suggests an "I don't give a fuck" attitude. That attitude probably comes with the comfort of knowing that, if questioned, he always has those years of training as a boxer to fall back on. Shit, we should've mentioned that earlier. In between flute lessons and ascending to the very heights of "River Dance" dominance, Michael Flatley found the time to win a Golden Gloves boxing championship in 1975.
Not only is Michael Flatley The Lord of the Dance, he's also the Lord of the Ring. If dude can tap his feet 35 times in 60 seconds, it's a pretty safe bet he can drill you in your unsuspecting face at least half that many times in the same minute. Probably while impressing your girlfriend with his fancy-boy dance moves.
Who You Are In Comparison:
#4.
Mark Harmon
Who Is This Wuss?
Mark Harmon is the pretty boy actor who first made his name as Dr. Bobby Caldwell for three seasons on the NBC drama St. Elsewhere. In the type of logical, well-crafted script writing that was a cornerstone of the show (see the "it was all in the autistic kid's head" finale), Harmon's character went from caring, compassionate surgeon in seasons one and two to obnoxious, womanizing, AIDS-inflicted sleaze ball in season three. This was 1985, a time when a lot of the world still considered AIDS "the gay disease." Luckily for a lot of the world and their misconceptions, Harmon looked like this at the time.
After leaving the show, Harmon briefly took a trip down Awesome Street to play Mr. Freddy Shoop in the '80s film classic Summer School. Soon after that, though, it was back to wussy bullshit you've never seen like something called Flamingo Road. Since 2003, Harmon has starred on the CBS drama NCIS in the lead role of Leroy Jethro Gibbs, a role clearly written for a 1930s delta blues musician, but for some reason given to the goofy dipshit from St. Elsewhere instead.
Why He Owns You:
In 1972, the UCLA Bruins football team, who had gone 2-8 the season before, faced top-ranked, two-time defending National Champion Nebraska in their season opener. All involved parties expected the Bruins to function as an appetizer for the defending champs. Forty-eight minutes later, Nebraska's 32-game winning streak had ended and the UCLA Bruins had pulled off one of the biggest upsets in college football history. It was led by a freshman quarterback starting his first game ever ... the fucking stud from St. Elsewhere.
Mark Harmon went on to play two more seasons as the starting quarterback at UCLA, a school he opted to attend only after turning down offers from college football powerhouses University of Michigan and University of Oklahoma, which probably worked out in the long run since Oklahoma's film industry has been lagging lately.
Also, you know the above picture of Harmon wearing a Cliff Clavin disguise? That role directly led to Harmon being voted People Magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive" in 1986.
This is proof that it's impossible to overestimate Tom Selleck's influence on what was considered cool in the '80s, and that before it was all said and done, Mark Harmon probably scorched a pretty wide canyon in the lush and ample landscape of Southern California pussy. Basically, if you know a woman who was between the ages of 16 and 80 and living within a 30-mile radius of L.A. between 1972 and 1986, it's a mathematical certainty she tried to fuck Mark Harmon at least once.
Who You Are In Comparison:
So paying someone to do your dirty work makes you a badass? Gee, mommy always told me that made you a vagina.
ReplyThe writer must not have ever watched an episode of "NCIS" or else he'd know that Mark Harmon kicks major ass as Special Agent Gibbs, the badass former Marine Gunnery Sergeant who took out the drug dealing scumbag who killed his wife & child. Yeah, Mark Harmon was a weirdo on "St. Elswhere" but that show sucked & "NCIS" is freakin' awesome. It's the #1 show on TV for a reason & the reason is Mark Harmon as Leroy Jethro Gibbs - this is the role he was born to play & that's why he "owns you" (the UCLA QB thing is pretty cool, too, even though UCLA sucks).
Replygoddammit , someone kill mc hammer and soulja boy .
Replyhammer has had enough, but i'll kill soulja boy for fun. that f*****g retar- no, i won't insult the retarded that way. soulja is an insult to humanity in general.
Am I the only one who lost respect for the British after reading the comments?
ReplyThousands and thousands of words of pointless pissing contest over one silly line in the article. Good job guys, good job.
ReplyBut...MC Hammer ordering a hit on someone just because of an insult is a pretty wussy thing to do. Why should I respect this douche again?
ReplyThe article title doesn't say you should respect him, it just says he'd own you.
My son walked out, looked at the article and said "look, a young Gibbs"
ReplyI love Mark Harmon. I just didn't recognize him without his white hair and "I will f**k your s**t up because I am a goddamn ex-Marine" face.
ReplyOne may retire and leave the Corps, but one is never a "former" or "ex" Marine.
somehow one joke on British military gets all these complaints gets so much s**t but the numerous gay jokes are left virtually un-noticed. not a complaint, just seems odd.
ReplyAre Americans really so insecure that they have to insult another country's army? It's so sad to see the yanks get into a pissing contest to soothe their own ego about being a backwards country filled with people who join the army because they've seen Rambo and completely missed the anti-war message.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesWhat am I saying? Look at all the WW2 films ever made. Captured any Enigma machines lately, Americans?
well, it was just a one line joke written by one guy. But yes, to any americans reading who think they have the best army: you got the tech, but your armies are nothing special when it comes to balls, which a few cracked articles have probably already mentioned in detail, so i dont see guest_1001's problem.
I don't know how the British Army stacks up to ours, but I know that being a Captain doesn't require superb training. It just requires a degree in anything. Enlisted typically have a negative view of officers who don't know which way to point a rifle. So yeah, he might just still be a nerd.
Comedy site. Learn to recognize a joke. No need to go into an anti-American rant over, "Granted, it's the British Army..."
The British Army commissioning course does NOT require a degree in anything, only that you be mentally and physically hard as f*ck. James Blunt may be a whiny b***h but the average Household Cavalry trooper has shot more people than John Gotti.
Is 8 inches impressive? I thought that was average.
ReplyMark Harmon's dad was actually Tom Harmon, who's a legend in Michigan football and considered possibly the best player in the history of probably one of the top three most successful college football programs in history.
ReplyNot that it really relates to this article in any way or anything, but in case it ever comes up on a gameshow...
I knew about James Blunt's military past, but was unaware of the others. Heck, I hadn't even heard about half the names in this list. I was surprised to find "Gibbs, from NCIS" in the list...that's how I know Mark Harmon; though, I am guessing from the pictures, this list is looking at his pre-NCIS past.
ReplyWhy would you believe anything that Wilmer Valderrama says?
ReplyHow could you understand anything that Wilmer Valderrama says?
Never heard the story about MC Hammer. How is it that he never went to prison? Last I read, ordering someone's murder is illegal.
Reply"Allegedly". So he did it, but there was not enough evidence.
I don't get it. How were Mark Harmon and MC Hammer ever considered wusses?
Reply@antiflag1080 - you made a great case on why our Navy & Marine Corps are the best of the best. The Army isn't all that - it's all about the USMC!!!
Oops! I hit the reply button to the wrong comment; I meant to reply to the one below - sorry!
Oh my god, shut up your British pussies! They made a little joke about the British Army, who cares? You're making yourselves look even more like little bitches by crying non stop about how you're not little bitches!
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesOh and about the whole "We'd give you a run for your money", dream on. By sheer size alone you'd be completely trumped, the British Army has around 143,310 soldiers, where the US army has around 1,129,275 soldiers. If that wasn't enough, your Navy has NOTHING on ours. You have a total of 79 ships, we have 75 submarines alone! Your navy has 177 Aircrafts, where we have over 3700. You only have one aircraft carrier and if that wasn't enough you have no Crusiers, which are the best war fighting ships with the most technologically advanced radar systems. So even if you somehow were able to get past the overwhelming 10:1 odds in the ground battle, every ship you had would be wiped out before the end of a week, where our ships and aircraft would be free to bombard your ground forces so much that you would certainly be waving the white flag after a month, like you ALMOST did during WWII.
Not to mention, British infantry are stuck with that crappy L85A2 rifle, with one in every eight men having an under-slung grenade launcher, another one-in-eight having the M110-derived DMR, and one-in-eight having an FN Minimi LMG. Although I do admit the British army has a superior long-distance anti-personnel sniper rifle (Accuracy International AWM in .338 Lapua Magnum; a rifle I've owned and a rifle that I love), the rest of the equipment is either a derivative of, a copy of, or inferior to the majority of equipment that US Soldiers are issued.
*I know that the M249 is an FN Minimi, but at this point the newest versions in the American Military arsenal have changed so much, they are essentially a different weapon platform*
The American Military's armaments consist of primarily M4A1's and M16A4's, with a number of soldiers being issued SOPMOD kits for their weapons, as all newly-issued firearms have a RIS and free-floating barrel. Now the military is transitioning some groups, such as SOF-D, to the H&K HK416/417, which are INCREDIBLE weapons... Having owned an HK416, it is an entirely different weapon than the M4, it just happens to look and handle just like one.
But, wars are rarely fought mostly on-the-ground, so in this whole hypothetical crazy situation, consider the following:
- America has not fought a war on its own turf since the Civil War (minus Pearl Harbor/Hawaii), so it's likely that, even if attacked, the US would launch a VERY aggressive counter-attack
- The two countries are separated by an ocean, and the US takes up half of a continent, while Britain is more or less an island, connected to mainland Europe only by bridges/tunnels
- Britain would have an advantage in setting up defenses, which would likely consist of the country's entire supply of anti-aircraft guns, the entire Royal Navy would form defenses around the coast, major cities (i.e. London) would be evacuated/heavily defended, and planes would be lined up on the runways fully-armed with air-to-air and air-to-sea missiles along with (likely) cluster bombs and of course the 20mm and 30mm cannons/chain-guns/autocannons. Soldiers would be entrenched, artillery fortifications in place, etc, etc, etc...
However... I would imagine America would be able to do something such as:
- From a group of aircraft carriers (defended by Destroyers) in the middle of the Atlantic, a great number of UAV's would be launched (Reapers, Predators, Hunters, etc), with some having as many as 14 weapon mounting hard points (that means 14 Air2Ground missiles...). Focusing on anti-aircraft weapons, there would be notable UAV losses, but the British would be out a significant amount of not-easily-replenished weapon emplacements.
- The US Naval Fleet would move in closer, with Carriers being the biggest asset, they would likely set up in groups, with one carrier each but dozens of (a mix of) Destroyers and various other warships as well as submarines.
- The US would begin a series of high-altitude manned-aircraft bombing runs, with heavy bombers supported by F/A-18's and F-35's, dropping tens of thousands of 1/2/4-thousand pound bombs (and bigger), as well as incendiary and cluster bombs. Defenses further-weakened, and both sides have likely lost aircraft.
- At this point, the US would be able to do something along the lines of feigning a direct assault, which would draw attention to one area, while a medium/large amount of American Special Forces Operators (SEAL/Delta/GreenBeret/etc) are inserted in areas all over the place, landing in groups of 16 or so, and splitting into teams of 4. Each team would be equipped with a large amount of explosives, a sniper, a machine-gunner, etc; they would then proceed to do what they do best: blow up important stuff and shoot important people before anyone can figure out what's going on
- Morale, at this point, would be declining, and slowly the US has been inserting more and more on-the-ground soldiers, such as platoons of Rangers, Marine Force Recon and Scout Snipers, etc. Before they know it, the British have 10,000 of America's most badass fighters hiding in wait, all over their country. This will cause their own infantry and mobile armor to spread thin, but likely often falling victim to traps set days or weeks earlier; tanks being blown up by pressure-switch(ed) C4 or autonomously-fired AT4's, soldiers falling victim to landmines...
Then, they just go in and wipe up what's left.
Yeah but.. who really cares? Really?
Dear god why can't everyone just shut up about the armies.
And btw, bringing up something that happened 70 years ago is hardly a valid argument
Hey antiflag Im torn between saying f**k you for making me read so much or congratulating you on your military knowledge. Its incredible the stuff you forget after having been out a few years. Im leaning more towards congratulations though.
@antiflag1080 - you made a great case on why our Navy & Marine Corps are the best of the best. The Army isn't all that - it's all about the USMC!!!
I gaped when I read #5 saying "35 taps in one second." This typo has existed for 4 years now. Wow.
ReplyIt actually says "If dude can tap his feet 35 times in 60 seconds" not one second
It says "second" the first time and 60 "seconds" when they mention it again. I was as confused/disbelieving as Manraviel.
You really had to ruin a good article by saying "granted, it's the British Army". I am sure this comment and any more mentioning this will be bashed, most likely by American readers, but seriously that's a stupid f*****g thing to say and massively insulting.
Replyits something called a joke. look at the top of your page, "America's only HUMOR site..."
The fact that this is considered humour in America is very telling. Bless your little hearts, I know you don't really know better but never mind.
"Granted, it's the British Army" Just read this and want to say. I served 12 years in the British army. Did 2 tours of Northern Ireland, standby for the falklands and some other places you could not imagine and was 20kms from Baghdad during the real conflict in 90/91 the whole time, I did not go home crying of Gulf war syndrome and felt the need to make some crappy film abour how tough we supposedly are, when my company and I came back into Saudi Arabia after all was done and dusted and the Kuwaiti's were safely back in their homes I did'nt see any Yanks about. You yanks may have all the equipment but you sadly lack the intelligence to use it. Ever heard of the Paras, Royal marines, The sas. to name a few "Granted its the British Army" funnily enough the only USA Special forces the we know are the ones in all your self appraising crappy movies about one man that has lla the skills to save the world. when I arrive in the Gulf 96 Americans had already been killed in anccidents and Friendly fire before the war even kicked off, after the ceasse fire 13 British trooops were killed in friendly fire by guess who?? As already stated we may not have all the fancy hollywood kick like you yanks, but we are as you say THE REAL DEAL..Soldiers professional to the last man. yes your statment was well crap.
Reply Hide All See All 4 Replieshell yeah! u tell those yanks, but ive got a few mates who want to join the army (mainly marines) so can u, an expirenced soldire, tell me of any ways i can convince them not to take the oppitunity to get there brains blown out for Britian?
So I guess the British also can't take jokes. Do you really think this Cracked writer somehow thinks that the British army is crap? For someone who makes themselves out to be so tough you sure do get offended and whine easy enough.
"Ever heard of the Paras, Royal marines, The sas"
No, no I have not
Whatever happened to the british sense of humour