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Every guy has done it: You're watching TV when some metrosexual nancy boy comes bandying across the screen to the delight of every female in the room. "What's that pussy got that I don't?" is usually the question we're left asking. Unfortunately, the answer is often "a whole lot." For example ...
Who Is This Wuss?
According to our friend Wikipedia, "You're Beautiful" received massive airplay in the U.K., which helped propel Blunt's debut album, Back To Bedlam, to No. 1 on the U.K. albums chart. This helped unseat Coldplay's X&Y from the pole position, a fact we only mention because those last few words manage to make James Blunt and Coldplay sound even gayer. In short, James Blunt is the kind of guy you'd probably like to punch clean in the face. If he walked into the room, the only thing stopping you would probably be a sense of pity, and possibly the fear of doing some sort of lasting damage to his delicate, child-like frame. Why He Owns You:
To make matters worse (for you), during the war in Kosovo Blunt was put in charge of leading 30,000 troops into the Kosovan capital. So not only could he fuck you up proper, he's the type of dude that people put in charge of ordering around tens of thousands of other men fully capable of doing the same. It should go without saying he leaves a trail of vanquished supermodels in his wake wherever he goes. Who You Are In Comparison:
Who Is This Wuss? "The Celtic Tiger," his most recent show, explores the struggles Ireland faced as it grew as a nation hellbent on overcoming its oppressors. It explores these issues through the power of gay-as-all-hell tap dancing performed in unison. In 1998, Flatley made the Guinness Book of World Records when he achieved an astounding 35 taps per second, a record later broken by some dude named James Devine. Well, fine, try topping this James: In September, 2000, the Sorbonne in Paris awarded Flatley their prestigious ... um ... "Coq Flambee" award.
According to Wikipedia, this is vaguely described as being awarded for "his commitment to furthering Franco-Irish relations." And just when you think it can't get any gayer, Mike has to go and start playing the flute. Yep, Michael Flatley is an acclaimed flautist with three albums to his credit. What a pussy, right? Why He Owns You: Michael Flatley actually grew up far from Middle Earth, on the South Side of Chicago. Tripping the life dancetastic while growing up in one of the most notoriously blue collar sections of America suggests an "I don't give a fuck" attitude. That attitude probably comes with the comfort of knowing that, if questioned, he always has those years of training as a boxer to fall back on. Shit, we should've mentioned that earlier. In between flute lessons and ascending to the very heights of "River Dance" dominance, Michael Flatley found the time to win a Golden Gloves boxing championship in 1975.
Not only is Michael Flatley The Lord of the Dance, he's also the Lord of the Ring. If dude can tap his feet 35 times in 60 seconds, it's a pretty safe bet he can drill you in your unsuspecting face at least half that many times in the same minute. Probably while impressing your girlfriend with his fancy-boy dance moves. Who You Are In Comparison:
Mark Harmon
Who Is This Wuss?
After leaving the show, Harmon briefly took a trip down Awesome Street to play Mr. Freddy Shoop in the '80s film classic Summer School. Soon after that, though, it was back to wussy bullshit you've never seen like something called Flamingo Road. Since 2003, Harmon has starred on the CBS drama NCIS in the lead role of Leroy Jethro Gibbs, a role clearly written for a 1930s delta blues musician, but for some reason given to the goofy dipshit from St. Elsewhere instead. Why He Owns You: Mark Harmon went on to play two more seasons as the starting quarterback at UCLA, a school he opted to attend only after turning down offers from college football powerhouses University of Michigan and University of Oklahoma, which probably worked out in the long run since Oklahoma's film industry has been lagging lately. Also, you know the above picture of Harmon wearing a Cliff Clavin disguise? That role directly led to Harmon being voted People Magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive" in 1986.
This is proof that it's impossible to overestimate Tom Selleck's influence on what was considered cool in the '80s, and that before it was all said and done, Mark Harmon probably scorched a pretty wide canyon in the lush and ample landscape of Southern California pussy. Basically, if you know a woman who was between the ages of 16 and 80 and living within a 30-mile radius of L.A. between 1972 and 1986, it's a mathematical certainty she tried to fuck Mark Harmon at least once. Who You Are In Comparison:
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