The 10 Worst Powers to Have on Heroes
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On Heroes, the best powers are reserved for a select three to four people who move the plot, such as it is, forward. For every lead who can instantly heal or fly, there are about a dozen who can learn things fairly quickly or who have super duper hearing. Today, we examine the losers of the Heroes world and discuss why having their powers is more embarrassing than just saying you didn't have the power and showing people your stamp collection instead. #10.
The Power: He has a precognitive painting ability and the ability to turn pupils white, thus disguising one's self kind of as an albino if necessary. Imagine someone chasing you and you had to blend in with a number of albinos provided you could only see their eyes. It gets complicated, right? Why It Sucks:
The ability to paint the future, as long it narrowly concerns a limited set of people with whom you've never met, sounds like the power equivalent of being handed the scripts to the entire next season of As the World Turns. Assuming you don't watch As the World Turns (and we assume you, not being a 40-year-old woman, don't), this power would be all but worthless. You never saw Isaac painting something useful such as next week's stock ticker or the result of horse races or lottery numbers. Instead, he'd just paint pictures of a nuclear explosion which never happened. And, the power's not even that accurate. Why didn't he paint a picture of Nathan Petrelli flying Peter to safety, seeing as how that's what actually happened? With this power, you would get up each day, turn your eyes a milky white color, and paint something like your next door neighbor buying a new Dodge Stratus six months from now. Add to this power the cost of canvasses, oil paint and brushes, and you have what amounts to one expensive and fairly useless hobby. #9.
The Power: He can hear other people's thoughts. Why It Sucks: Kind of Counselor Troi-esque in its scope, this ability allows one to perceive the thoughts of anyone around them. This doesn't make sense on several levels, primarily because thoughts, if you think about it (ha!), are extremely disjointed and nonsensical, kind of like a slightly less disturbing David Lynch film with fewer fish babies and more fantasies of yourself as a sports hero.
However, assuming you could hear thoughts beyond the typically random commercial jingles and incoherent half-thoughts evaluating the need to go to the bathroom now or if they can hold it, you'd find out what people would really think of you. You'd walk into a room sporting a new moustache and nine out of 10 people would be thinking "child molester." On the upside of things, you'd pretty much always know when your zipper was down or if you had a whistling booger. So there's that. Of course, in the second season Parkman developed the ability to alter people's thoughts, but that's pretty much an entirely different power. Presumably the writers decided to give themselves a mulligan after realizing that his original power basically enabled him to listen to people's internal evaluation of how comfortable their underpants are and disjointed "director's cuts" of their sentences. #8.
Hana Gitelman
The Power: Cyberpathy/Cyberkinesis Why It Sucks: Hana Gitelman was only around for something like 2 percent of one episode, and do you have to wonder why? Her power was the ability to communicate with machines, but not like the way Micah Sanders can. That's different ... somehow. Hana's power was more like just having a form of built-in Wi-Fi in that she could email without the aid of a computer. So can we. It's called our cell phone.
They introduced her under the radar and had her MSN chat with Ted Sprague once, and then we don't really remember ever seeing her again. Maybe Sylar killed her and used her power to upgrade his DISH Network subscription wirelessly. Don't get us wrong. The ability to communicate via computers without the aid of any kind of technology whatsoever would be handy. But, compared to controlling the space time continuum, flying or instant healing, this ability is right up there with "really bendy elbow" or the power to win at paper-rock-scissors over 85 percent of the time. #7.
Sanjog Iyer
The Power: Spirit guide/Dream traveler Why It Sucks: You know if you had the option, you probably wouldn't want to read people's minds ... well, most people would be unlikely to visit other people's dreams, too, even if by doing so you could "guide" your subject back through their past.
Why anyone on the planet would want to do this is anyone's guess, but we're thinking it would primarily have application in the ex-boyfriend department. Your girlfriend dumps you and you're pining for her endlessly so you hop into her dreams wherein she's making out with her new boyfriend and you spiritually guide her back to her past where she was dating you. What you do after that point is a bit more unclear, because it's not like she's going to wake up and feel that dreaming about the early stages of your relationship will erase the fact that you ran her grandma over with a hay combine on a drunken rampage. At best, if you told people you were a dream traveler you could maybe hook up with some really unintelligent older chicks who misunderstood and thought you said you were in Blues Traveler. #6.
Ted Sprague
He is nuclear. Why It Sucks: Being nuclear seems like it would be a pretty handy power. You could solve the nation's energy crisis in a safe and clean manner, but environmentalists who haven't read up about nuclear power's benefits since 1979 would constantly picket you. On the plus side, you could create fission with your hands and reduce them to a gooey, gurgling mass similar to what happened to the evil Gremlin after they put him in the microwave.
None of this really explains how you'd come out ahead, though. Would people pay you for generating power? We suppose. Then again, if you needed money you could hold the world hostage for $1 Million in exchange for not liquidating their most cherished cities, such as wherever you live, because who wants to endure a really long car drive to somewhere more strategically advisable with gas prices what they are? This power would be great if you wanted to blow up an entire large city as part of the aforementioned hostage situation or if you had a radical agenda you wished to inflict upon the unbelievers. But what if you don't? What if you're just a normal guy with a crappy job, the same as everyone else? At best, you'll just use your power to get ahead in line at the grocery store and to punish people who cut you off in traffic. They flip you off, you make it so they can no longer have children. Seems fair. |
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Hey, hobopancake....the article DOES mention Parkman's ability to control other people's thoughts. So...f**k YOU, I suppose.
I'm sorry, but Matt Parkman's power would be so badass...you forgot to mention that he can also control other's thoughts. So yeah, f**k you, you tiny cocked s**t.
and notice how most of these lame mutants--which, let's face it, is what these people are (a long-winded, plot-twisted, less action-packed version of X-Men without the awesomeness of Wolverine), look like guests on the Steve Wilkos Show, or hardcore butch lesbians. They don't have the appeal of Hayden Panwhateverthefuck or the Spockyness of Sylar, so they're easily forgotten when their brief stint on the screen is over (or Sylar carves their foreheads up). ...Speaking of which, their powers are all ultimately more kickass when Sylar has them.
you forgot to mention that pyrokinesis would be f*****g awesome for bar/party tricks. you could definitely make some money performing at parties with that s**t...
Allow me to confirm that being precognitive like Issac Mendez is enormously lame, because I have had many such visions and the coolest thing that's ever come of it was jumping over a kick ball I couldn't possibly have seen. The gym teacher swore out loud (okay, that was pretty cool) and I was sure I was destined to become a super-hero, dodging my enemies all Jedi-like. No such luck, but I did once have a too-late-to-make-a-difference vision of getting my ass kicked. Some other mind-blowingly useless examples:
I bought tickets for and arranged a trip for me and my friends to a Pixies show that hadn't been booked yet, resulting in a long-ass wait at the ticket counter while one of my friends had to pee, really, really bad.
I might have avoided a couple of horrendously vile girlfriends if I hadn't mistaken gut-twisting fear for love at first sight. I might have avoided standing in a field once too, but luckily the worst consequence of that was standing in a field.
Am I aweing you with my super-powers yet? Just wait, the best is yet to come...
I recently proved to myself the possiblility of temporal paradox when I checked my chicken sandwich because I had a vision of checking my chicken sandwich.
Alas I have yet to save any cheerleaders, save the world, or even win the f*****g lottery. Thanks a lot, god, for making me a zero.
But at least i don't have to waste an hour painting this s**t.
urrmmm i'm pretty sure niki sanders super power is strength. the split personality is a side effect (caused either directly by her power OR her apparently s****y dad -- even though the show never tells us what he did)
This list only covers season 1, the author should make a new one when the season 3 is over. I just thought of some things he could put in a new list:
Benjamin "Knox" Washington. Power: transforming others' fear into own strength. Rocks if you look and behave like Knox. Sucks if you look and behave like Hiro.
Jesse Murphy. Power: sound manipulation, can harm or kill others with screaming. Rocks if you want to win an argument. Sucks when you go to a lot of concerts, after which you usually mourn the early demise of yet another band you love and promise once again you will never sing when a singer points his mike to the audience.
Adam Monroe and Claire Bennett. Power: cellular regeneration which, at some point, prevents the bearer from aging and dying. Rocks because you're almost invincible. Sucks because when you don't age, people start asking questions; also if you go to jail for life, you're REALLY screwed.
And the lamest power goes to (SPOILER ALERT, because the power appears in the volume 3 finale):
Ando Masahashi. Power: supercharging other's powers. Rocks because other heroes will always want to hang out with you. Sucks because you can't do a thing on your own.
It is clearly a split personality idiot...
Niki's power isn't the split personality thing. She's actually super strong but has a human condition where she has a split personality. She only saw the power manifest when she turned into Jessica. O and great site!!!
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is it strange that i'd want to melt taosters? it just sounds fun.
the powers them selves aren't sucky, what the person doesn with them defines your veiws on it being sucky or not, it helps if you can actually control them and use them to your advantage.
nikki had super strength not a split personality. split personality's are neither useful or can be linked to whimsical fun, now nuclear? that just screams whimsical fun.
now, should i use my toaster melting powers for good or evil? XD
Mind reading is exactly the power I choose whenever I do a lame online quiz. I want nothing more. (Weeeelll..... more or less)
If you choose to listen to one person for long enough, you're bound to get blackmail information. And become the ultimate psychologist. My two dreams.
Isaac doesn't use oil paints, in your face cracked
The thing about Niki's power is it's not her split personality that is her power. She also has demonstrated super strength, it's very possible that the split personality thing may just be a seperate illness she happens to have. Or another possibility is that it could have been something like Sylar's power where there is a second side of the power, like how Sylar's power is to see through patterns and how things work but he has the hunger to gain more. But considering her death in the show it seems most likely a moot point.
Also with Parkman's ability, I could see how being able to understand people's thought's could in a higher form allow you to alter them, especially as demonstrated as he learns more about his powers he able to search people's minds for more information, much the way Peter of the future does.
In the comics it was shown that Hanna could infiltrate any kind of computer remotely besides her ability to "tap" into the internet with her mind. After she died taking as part of a mission to take down the Company's data she become a virtual entity existing in the internet. And as someone else mentioned Nikki's power is superstrenght. All the emotional damage that created other personalities are actually setbacks that dont let her use her power when she's her own self.
no, it just makes you sort of juvenile,
I'd like the power to see through women's clothing...does that make me a bad person?
Okay, it's easy to see why he was left out, but Mohinder Surresh comes to mind. He has the power to glean things from his father's research and... look cute. And... to advance the plot. My point is, he doesn't have powers, making him not a hero.
I would easily take superpowers 10, 9, 6, 5 3 and 2. Just sayin.
But GJ because, even though i don't watch heros, i wouldn't believe there are many powers to make a list out of.
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Umm... not to burst your bubble but Niki's superpower is actually Super Strength, it's just she can only access it through her sister's soul inhabiting her body. It still sucks, but it's not split personality.