We're really letting our geek flag fly this week with an article about historical figures, one about video games and another about comic book movies. For those of you keeping track at home, (Mom?), this triumvirate of dorky content is known as the Nerd Trifecta and puts us in the running for the position of Exalted Mayor of Wuss Mountain. Make sure you vote.
If any of you readers out there had visions of the Cracked staff as tanned, athletic, steak-chomping mountain climbers, (though, at this point, how could you?), we're very sorry to burst that bubble with a week that's just full of nerd-friendly comedy.
The 5 Pimpingest Historical Figures
Who cares which historical figure can be considered the greatest leader of all time? We want to know which one would be most likely to make an iced-out cameo in a Snoop Dogg video. We're talking about pimping, here, folks.
Notable Comment: Many of the posters felt this article could have easily been a "10 list" and as evidence of both this claim, as well as our suspicion that no one actually reads these articles, suggestions included Oscar Wilde, Hitler, and Lando Calrissian.
DO YOU SEE WHAT I SEE?
6 Singers Who Are Mistaken About Their Raw Sexuality
Is Maroon 5's Adam Levine a modern sex symbol or does he look, (at best) interesting looking and, (at worst), kind of like a lizard/lesbian hybrid? You decide!
(Actually, we already decided. He's totally the "Lizbian.")
Notable Comment: Thickener makes the bold claim that Beyonce isn't attractive and that Jay-Z's music is "stupid." We have never more passionately disagreed with any one comment in the history of this site, and we'd like to make it clear that the thoughts/opinions of posters, (especially Tthickener), do not represent those of the Cracked editorial staff. If Beyonce wanted to further discuss this matter over dinner or, perhaps, some light boning, or if Mr. Z would like to give Cracked a special shout out on his next album to let us know that we're all cool, we would totally be open to that.
WE SUCK AT NINTENDO!
The 10 Most Irritatingly Impossible Old School Video Games
Remember the good old days? Playing games like Mike Tyson's Punch- Out, where you worked your way up fighting increasingly difficult opponents and wasting your entire god damn Saturday, (possibly your entire god damn childhood), only to lose to Tyson and collapse into a puddle of embarrassment and urine? Do you remember those fucking days? What kind of life was that?
Notable Comment: The comments section erupted into an enormous list of additional similarly impossible children's video games. In retrospect, it was really tough growing up knowing that no matter how hard you tried, you would inevitably lose, in some cases, to Mike Tyson but also, on occasion, as a Battletoad.
THE WORST OF THE WORST!
The 8 Most Cringe-Worthy Comic Book Movie Moments
Who would have thought a movie about a bunch of giant turtle monsters would have just one moment that stood out as too ridiculous? Not Vanilla Ice's agent, that's for damn sure.
Notable Comment: CT wonders, "Um, has anyone mentioned Spider- Man 3. Emo Peter Parker!" What? Yes, we did. We mentioned Spider-Man 3 and even used the word "Emo" when describing Parker. In the list you're commenting on. We're baffled.
SPORTS MOVIES WORTH DISOWNING A FRIEND OVER!
The 5 Least Manly Sports Movies
[A short play based on what we presume took place in the editing room for Field of Dreams]
Director: You know, I could really use a few more close ups of Kevin Costner's bland, emotionless face.
Screenwriter: I'd like some more exposition about land foreclosures, too. I have a ton of beautiful, additional dialogue about the delicate inner workings of banks and land acquisition, but nowhere to stick it.
Director: Let's... let's cut out all this shit about baseball.
Notable Comment: Howabominable points out that Kevin Costner "could be replaced by a mannequin and a voice actor and his movies would improve tenfold." Honestly, that really sounds like a terrific sports movie franchise in the spirit of Air Bud. Think about it. A mannequin as a catcher. A fucking mannequin! You're not gonna knock him down, and there's no rule that says a mannequin can't play ball. Are you listening, Mr. Costner? Because MLB: Mannequin League Baseball just may be the only good baseball movie you'll ever make.
A Brief History of the Sitcom
Go from racial intolerance to Fonzie and all the way back to racism in about three and a half minutes!
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"This is the worst party ever, I thought we'd be eating off naked whores."
Long-distance food fights was an intergral part of the Chinese army's training. Private
Tuong carefully loaded his weapon. .
"Bachelor number two: If I was a small, South American country, what would you do?"
"We understand that, Mr. Bond. But which one of us is the real Colonel Nguyen?"
"I don't like you, McClucken. You're a loose cannon, and you give the force a bad name.
But, dammit, you get results."
"Look! It's a chicken!"
LakeON, apply directly to the forhead!
Unfortunately, the zombie could swim, too.
"Ha! My costume is sure to win most original this year! No one could possibly...
Nothing says "Army espionage" like dressing as a bear that's on fire.
Karl and Jerry had real talent in the machine shop... unfortunately, they only used this
latest invention to get drunk, knock the masts off of sailboats and then yell "Good luck,
fuckers" at the stunned occupants as they sped away.
When the giant robot war-spider orders waterskis, you damn well better have waterskis.
To their misfortune, the balloon is actually powered by the phrase "Oh, shit! Shit shit
shit shit shit!!"
Tom knew there were easier ways to get his T-shirt off but he just couldnt think of any
at the moment
Sometimes the stories after the stories are even stranger.
For as much as people love them, the 'Star Wars' movies have gotten rather awkward from time to time.
Bawitdaba, pass the green beans.
Going for that 16th minute.