Secretly, Iâ€™ve always wanted to be a genius. After watching Contact and worshipping the ground that Carl Sagan walked on (and later, the pot that he smoked), I thought there was a very real possibility of me going to college, majoring in astronomy and working for the SETI project or CERN. I remember discussing these plans with my parents over lunch one day at the Cotton Patch CafÃ©. My mom tried her best to smile through the teeth she was so tensely gritting, and did everything within her mortal power to gently discourage my lifelong dream. I think it was partially because moms have a very strong maternal instinct to protect their young, specifically from failure (little did my mom know I would be destined for failure regardless), and partially because moms love to discourage their childrenâ€™s dreams whenever it involves a subject they despise (i.e. math, comic books, stripping, etc.). It wasnâ€™t until the stark realization that quantum physics requires an above third-grade proficiency at math that I would realize my momâ€™s attempts at lowering my self-esteem were a loving gesture intended to prevent me from sincerely fucking my life up in a subject I could never succeed in (plus, hasnâ€™t it been scientifically proven that women suck at math by now?).
So thatâ€™s why in my spare time I secretly wish I was a fucking genius in theoretical physics. You know like one of those horribly socially inadequate 12 year old kids who is smart enough to go UT (which, letâ€™s not kid ourselves Longhorns, is really not that hard to do), and too young to ever lead a normal life? Yeah, thatâ€™s who I want to be. Mainly I want to be a genius because I wish that when I watched these programs about string theory or gravity I could be smart enough to actually formulate new equations that would blow peopleâ€™s minds. That way I could have droves of minions bowing before me and worshipping my brilliance. I could also finally come up with that â€œtheory of everythingâ€ that eluded Einstein for so long, and be showered with nobel peace prizes and scientific praise. Life would be great because I would be the smartest fucking person on earth. You guys would probably be too dumb to even realize it.
Granted, I realize this is a dream that is completely and wholly unachievable. Which is why Iâ€™ve come the realization that in order to achieve even the slightest ounce of greatness I need to have sex with an astrophysicist. I mean if you canâ€™t join them, bang them (â€¦or big bang them!). Now, Iâ€™m not 100% opposed to screwing Stephen Hawking, but Iâ€™m also not sure that he can still get wood. However, I did see an episode of Degrassi where Drake/Jimmy was paralyzed from the waist down and could indeed get plentiful boners which leads me to believe that Stevie might still be able to get it up.
If I sound completely sick and deranged to you, hold your horses, my standards are generally slightly higher than cripples and chemo kids. Now, while I wouldnâ€™t prefer to sex it up with Stephen, I would still do it. I also donâ€™t think Iâ€™d be entirely opposed to banging Mr. Miyagi. Iâ€™m sorry, I meant Mr. Michio Kaku. He kind of looks like the Asian grandfather I never had or wanted, but itâ€™s all good because he does spin a mean Science Channel special on string theory.But let me get the crÃ¨me de la crÃ¨me of astrophysicists- the one supreme being who could lead me closer to Godâ€¦ Brian Cox.
Not only is he hot, but heâ€™s fucking brilliant, works for the Hadron Space Collider program, speaks with a British accent and, wait for it, is in a band. Wikipedia literally calls him the rock star physicist of our generation. So, Iâ€™m making an executive decision. Iâ€™m remaining celibate until my negative ionic charge and Coxâ€™s positive neutrino charge can conglomerate together into one, big, astronomic bang. It might be hard to remain celibate for this long (actually it probably wonâ€™t, because I never get laid) but Iâ€™m vowing to do it, for you Brian Cox. I hope that if youâ€™re reading this that you arenâ€™t too creeped out by me, Brian. Just know that Iâ€™m only doing this because you have a beautiful mind, and I want to be spiritually enlightened. Oh yeah, and also because I hold out for the hope that I might magically wake up with mathematical superpowers one day. I know youâ€™re married or whatever, but call me up if youâ€™re interested in my offer. Iâ€™m always single and Iâ€™m always horny, so think about it.
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