Secretly, I’ve always wanted to be a genius. After watching Contact and worshipping the ground that Carl Sagan walked on (and later, the pot that he smoked), I thought there was a very real possibility of me going to college, majoring in astronomy and working for the SETI project or CERN. I remember discussing these plans with my parents over lunch one day at the Cotton Patch Café. My mom tried her best to smile through the teeth she was so tensely gritting, and did everything within her mortal power to gently discourage my lifelong dream. I think it was partially because moms have a very strong maternal instinct to protect their young, specifically from failure (little did my mom know I would be destined for failure regardless), and partially because moms love to discourage their children’s dreams whenever it involves a subject they despise (i.e. math, comic books, stripping, etc.). It wasn’t until the stark realization that quantum physics requires an above third-grade proficiency at math that I would realize my mom’s attempts at lowering my self-esteem were a loving gesture intended to prevent me from sincerely fucking my life up in a subject I could never succeed in (plus, hasn’t it been scientifically proven that women suck at math by now?).
So that’s why in my spare time I secretly wish I was a fucking genius in theoretical physics. You know like one of those horribly socially inadequate 12 year old kids who is smart enough to go UT (which, let’s not kid ourselves Longhorns, is really not that hard to do), and too young to ever lead a normal life? Yeah, that’s who I want to be. Mainly I want to be a genius because I wish that when I watched these programs about string theory or gravity I could be smart enough to actually formulate new equations that would blow people’s minds. That way I could have droves of minions bowing before me and worshipping my brilliance. I could also finally come up with that “theory of everything” that eluded Einstein for so long, and be showered with nobel peace prizes and scientific praise. Life would be great because I would be the smartest fucking person on earth. You guys would probably be too dumb to even realize it.
Granted, I realize this is a dream that is completely and wholly unachievable. Which is why I’ve come the realization that in order to achieve even the slightest ounce of greatness I need to have sex with an astrophysicist. I mean if you can’t join them, bang them (…or big bang them!). Now, I’m not 100% opposed to screwing Stephen Hawking, but I’m also not sure that he can still get wood. However, I did see an episode of Degrassi where Drake/Jimmy was paralyzed from the waist down and could indeed get plentiful boners which leads me to believe that Stevie might still be able to get it up.
If I sound completely sick and deranged to you, hold your horses, my standards are generally slightly higher than cripples and chemo kids. Now, while I wouldn’t prefer to sex it up with Stephen, I would still do it. I also don’t think I’d be entirely opposed to banging Mr. Miyagi. I’m sorry, I meant Mr. Michio Kaku. He kind of looks like the Asian grandfather I never had or wanted, but it’s all good because he does spin a mean Science Channel special on string theory.But let me get the crème de la crème of astrophysicists- the one supreme being who could lead me closer to God… Brian Cox.
Not only is he hot, but he’s fucking brilliant, works for the Hadron Space Collider program, speaks with a British accent and, wait for it, is in a band. Wikipedia literally calls him the rock star physicist of our generation. So, I’m making an executive decision. I’m remaining celibate until my negative ionic charge and Cox’s positive neutrino charge can conglomerate together into one, big, astronomic bang. It might be hard to remain celibate for this long (actually it probably won’t, because I never get laid) but I’m vowing to do it, for you Brian Cox. I hope that if you’re reading this that you aren’t too creeped out by me, Brian. Just know that I’m only doing this because you have a beautiful mind, and I want to be spiritually enlightened. Oh yeah, and also because I hold out for the hope that I might magically wake up with mathematical superpowers one day. I know you’re married or whatever, but call me up if you’re interested in my offer. I’m always single and I’m always horny, so think about it.
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