I just don’t get along with girls, you know? I totally have way more guy friends. I’m just like a guy. Every single girl who is not me is the worst and I don’t like them. It’s like, be cool like me already. Right? It’s not that hard.
I own many push-up bras.
I like to do things that boys like with boys. I’m not like those other girls, those girls who like that thing that you don’t like. No sir. I am perfect and I love everything that you love. Girls are so catty and horrible, because some of them are interested in different things than you are. Horrible, right? How dare they. Love me instead of them. We can do everything together, whatever you want to do at all times.
There are other girls who like boy things, but they’re not as hot as I am. They’re probably fat, or lesbians. I exist at the optimal intersection between “liking dude things” and “being a totally hot chick.” I like talking about other women’s bodies as well, like a dude would. And I love putting other women down for things that I’d never put a man down for! Sometimes I will even kiss other women in front of you! I’m so totally down with everything. I really don’t give a fuck. I’m not uptight like those other girls, the ones that, lest we forget, are either catty bitches or fat lesbians. I am the only one who maintains the hotness of catty bitches and the dudebro interests of fat lesbians. I do not associate with catty bitches or fat lesbians, though. I only hang out with you and your bros.
I wax my pubes.
JUST TO REITERATE: I’m not like those girls that you don’t like. I AM LIKE A SEXY VERSION OF YOU. I have breasts that I will let you touch. Love me instead. We can get together and talk about how horrible other girls are and how amazing it is that I’m not like them, that I’m exactly like you.
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