In the beginning, mankind was without warmth, shelter, or clothing. Since I didn't really care about rising housing costs back then, and the whole no clothing thing Could be awesome (ask Venus), I decided upon fire. Yes, that's right - I gave mankind fire. But, first, I had to steal it from Zeus. Rest assured, that not even half way through the copy of Show Girls I let him borrow, he was mesmerized, and I was able to acquire it quite easily, although it did require...some rinsing off.
Anyway, it was a decision that cost me dearly, as I was chained to a rock and my liver was eaten every single stinkin' day by an eagle, which meant that the Cheers gang had to hire a new best friend after the pilot - damn you Norm! Then, that wonderful lad Heracles killed the damned bird and rescued me by breaking my chains. I took the stupid bitch to a taxadermist in Athens, and I still have it sitting on my coffee table - thanks Frank, for the great work. The eyes are really convincing. And hey - if you're out there Herc - I still owe you a pizza, buddy.
The world grew dim after that. I wandered for eons, doing things at truck stops and rodeos that I'll never speak of. Eventually I found my way to a land where intellectual exploits could be unabashedly exploited and thoughtfully ironic kunundrum were keys to the greatest gift the gods had ever given mankind: The means for anyone to be a total smartass. This land was called Cracked.
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