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Soren Bowie

Soren is an American of some importance. He has amassed great wealth which is now in jeopardy. He is in need of persons with whom his family has no relationship. He seeks your cooperation and assistance in the transfer of 8,000,000.00 to your private bank account in Nigeria. To show his appreciation he will offer you 15% of the total sum including 20% of interest earned. Please treat this issue confidentially. Please send him your bank account number as well as a color photocopy of a Nigerian passport so he is certain you are a real resident. He waits to hear from you.

A Guide to Giving Blood and Winning Back the Woman You Love

We are all, at one point or another, forced to acknowledge when we are weak. It is a humbling moment filled with fear, shame and unattractive facial expressions. What's worse, weaknesses, like snowflakes, are all different so we are each forced to weather our respective storms alone. For instance, some people may find their limitations while huddle

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The Most Appropriately Endangered Species on the Planet

Somewhere in the world right now a harpy eagle is choking on the remnants of a helium balloon and a giant sea turtle is strangling itself in a six-pack ring. Nature, by its very ... nature, is cruel; it claims the lives of animals wantonly, sometimes the lives of entire species, leaving the rest terrified and wondering which will be the next group.

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8 Letters from the Elementary School Where I Guest Lectured

Reaching a wider and younger audience is part of the reason I'm currently touring my new autobiography, 'Tusked on the Inside,' and entirely the reason I am only touring it at elementary school assemblies. So far it has seen mixed reviews which I am taking as a good sign; no great work has ever been universally praised, particularly by children.

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The Rich Dick's Guide to Picking Up Women

Ladies are everywhere, science has proven it. Even as I write this I can see one across the room from me, sleeping soundly atop my favorite piano, and I can hear the other two showering down the hall.

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4 Steps to Staying Relevant as a Bully In the Modern World

The last decade has not been kind to us. If you are reading this, or more likely, forcing someone to read it to you, then you already know the sorry state in which we find ourselves. Classrooms, offices and sports teams across the country have conspired against us to tear down the delicate social hierarchy we so carefully built with one gut-punch

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My Doomed Attempt to Woo Sandra Bullock

It's Valentine's Day, the first heartbeat of spring. I am a strong advocate of any holiday that puts pretense aside and encourages celebrators to trade pricey gifts for sexual favors. When affection can be measured in real currency, I always win because my love is deep and so are my pockets.

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5 Awesome Parasites That Torture Animals (That I Hate)

The world has provided some ruthless parasites that target the insects, spiders and rats I hate most. These parasites don't just kill either, they torture, emasculate and generally show their hosts such unapologetic violence that I can't help but be impressed.

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5 Baffling Real Internet Searches For Financial Advice

In the superior hemisphere it's nearly spring again, and as Americans celebrate by shedding their jackets or falling in love in parks, the IRS is beginning its gradual warm up and stretching routine in preparation for some unparalleled wallet raping.

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Dear Gwyneth Paltrow: Understanding Why Everyone Hates You

You have taken some heat lately from the press for your website, for your spontaneous music career, and for just generally being you. I imagine your self-confidence is a little shaken and that you would gladly wish it all away, if only you knew how wishing for things worked.

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Kidnapped by Drug Lords: My 3rd Worst Vacation in Mexico

Since 2006, an all-out drug war has swept across Mexico. Tourists won't visit Baja anymore, ex-pats won't search for a cultural identity in remote mountain villages, and an unprecedented number of college co-eds refuse to make bad decisions in border towns. Frankly, it's gotten a little out of hand.

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The Best Goddamn Christmas Letter You Ever Got

As I do ever year, let me start by saying, you're welcome. You have no doubt received my final edits on your own Christmas letters in the mail by this point. I will say that on the whole, I found them as endearing as they were littered with cliches and errors.

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