5 Ham-Fisted Religious Websites
It's safe to say that God doesn't live on the Internet. Where cathedrals, temples, and houses of worship succeed in providing the sensation that God might feasibly hang out there, websites fail miserably. The translation from stone and stained glass to ones and zeros is clumsy at best, partially because so many of the websites are built by volunteer designers and partially because those designers insist on building websites as though no website has ever existed in the history of the Internet. To their credit, most of them seem to grasp importance of holding on to the short attention spans of accidental visitors, but they don't have a really solid plan for applying that information.Yep, looks like heaven. Even on the websites that clearly took months to produce, you can see the internal struggle of the designers with a newfound skill-set, trying to marry their love of God with their love of being awesome. The following are five examples of that struggle; they are genuine and earnest stabs at being both epic and pious at the same time. You'll notice that all of them are denominations of Christianity, not as a knock against the religion but because they just ended up being the most hilarious. Besides, if I'm going to throw stones it might as well be at the glass houses of people who built them around a belief system of forgiveness.
Warrior Bride InternationalIf you're a woman who loves God but also loves stabbing stuff with a broadsword then this is probably your website. Every page features a woman in a bridal gown wielding a double edged sword, like she just carved her way through a wedding party to have these pictures taken. In terms of a hook, I'll admit to spending over an hour exploring the site for the pictures alone, so in that respect it's successful. However, if you're the type of person who is hung up on logic, and you're looking for the correlation between prayer groups and a bride prepared to kill something, you will be sadly disappointed. The closest the website offers us in terms of an explanation is this: Then it takes a turn toward the ominous. That's it. That passage from the bible and offhanded mention of Satan making three attempts
Though, there is something distinctly Eastern European about this.Other highlights include a Warfare Store that only sells one book entitled "Breaking Open Your Alabaster Box" (which I'm loosely hoping is a guide for a warrior brides consummation of marriage) and a year-round events schedule with only one event: Tea with God . To the site's credit, if there is one event to have on a church calendar, that's certainly it.
Internet Church for ChristAs someone whose only brush with religion comes at wedding and funeral services, I'm amazed at how accurately the
I feel like I've been here before.Finally, the 36 menu buttons running down the side of the page are a true testament of the Church for Christ's dedication to acceptance and equality; the "Bible Study" menu button takes no precedence over "Anti-Aging Secrets," and each button is the same size regardless of whether the text fits or not. Ultimately the entire site is as close to a fever dream as you could imagine except with more GIFs and different Elvis music.
Jesus Is SaviorThe
Who needs a point when there's a courtyard with a fountain?!It's understandably difficult for a website to live up to such an epic introduction but the Evangel Cathedral handles it deftly with a wailing guitar solo and flying words that shoot across the page and probably mean something in the context of real sentences. Nearly everything on the page undulates, glides or generally fights for your attention, both to assure you that the church is stimulating to the point of discomfort and to remind epileptics they aren't welcome. Not everything on the page has a message or a purpose, but it all
Some boxes are smaller than others.As you look at their website, if you find yourself thinking, "That electricity looks familiar" it's because the same company that designed this page designed Evangel Cathedral's. There's even a
Faith is more viscous than you would imagine.