5 Ham-Fisted Religious Websites
It's safe to say that God doesn't live on the Internet. Where cathedrals, temples, and houses of worship succeed in providing the sensation that God might feasibly hang out there, websites fail miserably. The translation from stone and stained glass to ones and zeros is clumsy at best, partially because so many of the websites are built by volunteer designers and partially because those designers insist on building websites as though no website has ever existed in the history of the Internet. To their credit, most of them seem to grasp importance of holding on to the short attention spans of accidental visitors, but they don't have a really solid plan for applying that information.
Yep, looks like heaven.
Warrior Bride InternationalIf you're a woman who loves God but also loves stabbing stuff with a broadsword then this is probably your
Though, there is something distinctly Eastern European about this.Other highlights include a Warfare Store that only sells one book entitled "Breaking Open Your Alabaster Box" (which I'm loosely hoping is a guide for a warrior brides consummation of marriage) and a year-round events schedule with only one event: Tea with God . To the site's credit, if there is one event to have on a church calendar, that's certainly it.
Internet Church for ChristAs someone whose only brush with religion comes at wedding and funeral services, I'm amazed at how accurately the
I feel like I've been here before.Finally, the 36 menu buttons running down the side of the page are a true testament of the Church for Christ's dedication to acceptance and equality; the "Bible Study" menu button takes no precedence over "Anti-Aging Secrets," and each button is the same size regardless of whether the text fits or not. Ultimately the entire site is as close to a fever dream as you could imagine except with more GIFs and different Elvis music.
Jesus Is SaviorThe Jesus is Savior website is essentially the same as the Internet Church for Christ if it were created by a furious schizophrenic. There are so many fonts, photos and hate-filled, incongruous pieces of information on the homepage that at a certain point the human eye just gives up and stares into the vast expanse of the background. The only unifying theme of the site seems to be contempt and a psychotic distrust of literally everything. Even the links that look like they could lead to a page of genuine enthusiasm prove to have some terrible message attached. The site antagonizes anything it can think of, and when it runs out of ideas, it starts to attack its own
Who needs a point when there's a courtyard with a fountain?!It's understandably difficult for a website to live up to such an epic introduction but the Evangel Cathedral handles it deftly with a wailing guitar solo and flying words that shoot across the page and probably mean something in the context of real sentences. Nearly everything on the page undulates, glides or generally fights for your attention, both to assure you that the church is stimulating to the point of discomfort and to remind epileptics they aren't welcome. Not everything on the page has a message or a purpose, but it all looks like it does and if nothing else, that seems like a fitting analogy for the life of someone who might attend this church.
Some boxes are smaller than others.As you look at their website, if you find yourself thinking, "That electricity looks familiar" it's because the same company that designed this page designed Evangel Cathedral's. There's even a similar epic introduction. Sharper FX is responsible for church websites all over the country and has somehow gotten away with making them all nearly identical. The K&K Mime site, however, is the only one that shows a little individuality, despite the fact that it's run by twins. (I'm not going to wait until the end of this column to apologize for that joke, I'd just like to get it out of the way now.) As you might expect from mimes, the size 8 font text and horizontal/upside-down menu buttons on the homepage suggest that words are not a priority for K&K Mime. I'm certain that if they could perform a physical interpretation of "Message Board" and "Contact Us" they would absolutely do that instead. Everything on the page is absurdly tiny, including their heads. Everything, except for the massive white gloves. Those gloves, extending toward you to touch you, to reach inside you and hopefully drop a handful of faith.
Faith is more viscous than you would imagine.