Porn is one of the few forms of entertainment completely willing to acknowledge its own incompetence at everything outside of the very particular talent of genital bumping. It's terrible at plot, at acting, at cinematography, and ... gaffing (probably), and it shows no intention of advancing on any of these fronts. Yet somehow, admitting and accepting its flaws seems endearing to us and we have a hard time staying mad. Porn is that cool guy in the back of the class whose unapologetic nature and cavalier attitude toward the world makes him hard not to like. Granted, it also eclipses his junior high drug problem and the fact that his entire family was bred from abuse, but in eighth grade you don't know that, all you know is that he is having sex and you are not.
"Thanks for the Social Studies help Mrs. Weiler!"
Sadly, a lesson we all must learn is that the most charismatic people in the world are also sort of inherent dicks. Missionary Position Impossible, Honey I Blew Everybody, and Edward Penis Hands
are all testaments to pornography's refusal to take anything seriously, including copyright infringement. They don't take into consideration the directors, writers, and actors of the original blockbusters who can only watch helplessly while their creations are reduced to a sexual pun and dragged through puddles of forensics. The true filmmakers have no recourse against porn unless they are willing to fight absurdity with absurdity, and while some of them may be above that, I am certainly not. The following are 6 classic adult movies with the ridiculous sexuality undercut by even more ridiculous drama. I do this not only to give porn a taste of its own medicine, but in the hopes that I inspire at least one studio executive to offer these films a fighting chance, and to give me a pile of money.
After a particularly harsh Florida winter in the year 2022, a new super bacteria develops, immune to antibiotics and all treatments. The American government does what it can to quarantine the outbreak but it spreads beyond their control. Other countries initiate a total lockdown and the US is left alone to fend for itself. Communities panic and hospitals collapse as the streptococcal bacteria kills upwards of four victims and inconveniences millions. Those who don't die are forced to contend with fevers, achiness and very very sore throats for at least three days. The country falls into pandemonium. As doctors throw themselves off buildings, one woman has the courage to stick it out and help. Her revolutionary treatment plan is mocked initially but after she herself is infected and miraculously recovers, it slowly takes hold. She prescribes no medicine but instead teaches the human body to heal itself. Her final hour cure is distilled into a single phrase or mantra that heals the sick all over the nation, "Suck it up and deal, you pussies" she teaches, and the country recovers under her guidance.
A white collar suburban housewife and mother appears to have the perfect life, but she also harbors a dark secret. Violent memories reveal that she was self destructive at an early age, indulging in drinking, narcotics and even self mutilation. Now as an adult, with good fortune but a general malaise, the urges are returning and she struggles to control them. Fortune shines when she discovers she can replace cutting, and self medication with food. She starts eating meals that have gained popularity for their health benefits but are absolute torture to eat. Subsisting on Kombucha, plain raw oats and tabouli, she finds that she can secretly torment herself under the guise of being healthy. In the process, she uncovers a whole network of white, upper class mothers participating in the same phenomenon. Through each other and their dedication to torture foods, they find the strength to continue living their perfect lives in the American dream.
Synopsis:A famed Russian assassin is forced to flee the country after botching an assignment. Now with her own government as well as the CIA and British Secret Service hot on her heels, she's forced to find the one place none of them would ever look, the holy city of Mecca. Utilizing false documents insisting on her Muslim beliefs, she is allowed entrance into the holy city but finds it difficult to fit into a culture she doesn't understand. Just as she slowly learns to deal with the harsh treatment toward women and the dogmatic preaching of a single belief, she stumbles onto the biggest dilemma she's ever faced: love. She crosses paths with a handsome, mild-mannered pharmacy owner and the two fall for one another immediately. Now she is torn between keeping up the lie forever, or telling her new love that she's not Muslim, and also that she kills important people for money.
Debbie Does Dallas
Synopsis:An unprecedented and exhaustive peak into the world of tax preparation, Debbie Does Taxes follows the life of a young, up and coming tax accountant as she gains moderate renowned for her uncanny ability to find deductions, hidden dependents and write offs for her clients. Debbie knows the ins and outs of every state and federal tax law, but her arrogance threatens to take her too far as the IRS launches an audit of one of her clients. Now in a race against time, Debbie is forced to help a single mother track down every item purchased, every mile driven and every donation made before it's too late. The action reaches a crescendo when Debbie uncovers a lost loophole tax accountants for decades had written off as myth, but did she find it in time? Debbie Does Taxes
brings a new level of suspense and originality to the burgeoning deskwork genre.
A recent widow diagnosed with bipolar disorder spends her non-grieving hours shut away in a studio apartment watching reality television. Sparked by a combination of her lost companion, thoughts of suicide and also a haze of prescription medication, she builds intimate relationships with each character in the shows she watches, until they begin to transcend the screen. What starts as a great escape from her daily life, turns into a nightmare as the casts of every reality show bring their fights, selfishness and sex directly into her living room. Her only means of getting rid of these social dregs is by convincing the other cast members to vote them out of existence. But soon the reality stars form their own alliances and Anna struggles to avoid being voted out of her own life.
The Devil in Miss Jones
Synopsis:A church going Midwestern carpenter, well respected in his community, starts receiving clandestine letters recruiting him for a woodworking competition. Curious, he responds with interest and unwittingly changes the course of his life forever. The tournament, he discovers, is a battle of carpentry skills, to the death. He is kidnapped from his home and dropped in a remote Ecuadorian village with the best carpenters from around the world. Crowds of listless and wealthy dignitaries have gathered to watch the woodworkers hammer, saw and sand for their lives. The Midwestern carpenter has no choice but to break the carpenter's oath and use his skills to kill, all while contending with starvation, torture and a really unforgiving language barrier. Throughout increasingly tough rounds, the carpenter finds strength in God, until the finals when he is forced to compete in a beveling competition against a young woman who is a direct descendant of the greatest carpenter to ever live, Jesus Christ.
I owe a special thanks to Dan Campagna for helping me with the movie posters. And by "helping" I mean doing them for me when I revealed how little I know about Photoshop.