A VFX Legend From 'Empire Strikes Back' And 'RoboCop' Spent 30 Years Making An Insane Animated Movie

Imagine if Gumby went to Hell.

Authors: By JM McNab
Published: August 01, 2021
Comments: 6

5 Confusing Movie Moments (That Were Explained Offscreen)

Movies, like most things in life, are often bewildering.

Authors: By JM McNab
Published: August 02, 2021
Comments: 1

PICTOFACT

14 Outrageous Celebrity Urban Legends That Aren’t Even Remotely True

If you don’t believe it, that just means you’re one of them.

Authors: By Matt Solomon
Published: August 01, 2021
Comments: 30

The Muppets' 'Mahna Mahna' Song First Appeared In A Dirty Exploitation Flick

Turns out The Muppets have more than one rainbow connection.

Authors: By Cezary Jan Strusiewicz
Published: August 01, 2021
Comments: 6

PICTOFACT

15 Random Facts Ready To Plug Any Holes In Your Knowledge

Have some fact-bricks to build your erudition.

Authors: By Cracked Writers, Andres Diplotti
Published: August 01, 2021
Comments: 12

The Rich Dick's Guide to Picking Up Women

By:: Soren Bowie

March 14, 2011

Ladies are everywhere, science has proven it. Even as I write this I can see one across the room from me, sleeping soundly atop my favorite piano, and I can hear the other two showering down the hall. Still, despite their ubiquity, some men seem consistently startled by the very existence of women. These men will go out of their way just to see one in person, sometimes only from behind and at a great distance.

The Rich Dick's Guide to Picking Up Women

"They have those here?"

While men love looking at women, they are miserable at interacting with them. There are hundreds of websites and books dedicated to teaching guys to meet, court and eventually copulate with women. I have flipped through a few of these guides and each time I've had the same thought: I can write ten times better than this.

I want to help.

In the spirit of romantic philanthropy, I have created a guide based on my own experience which means it absolutely cannot fail. I offer it at no charge because your money means very little to me in the greater context of your happiness. My only request is that for each woman you meet through these methods, you tell her who helped you; you drop my name in her ear at an opportune moment and perhaps ask that she shout it at least once during intercourse. It would mean very much to me.

Step 1: Find the Highest Concentration

Like zebras and caribou, women travel in packs, particularly at social events. Now it may seem daunting enough to be the focus of one woman's attention, let alone a swarm, but know that their mob mentality is actually working in your favor; they are bolder in groups, and perpetuate one another's bad behavior. Women intrinsically know they are safer in packs and so take more risks when together, that's why guys like us are statistically more likely to have threesomes than, whatever sex with one person is called.

"Look, I'm not psyched about this either."

So, look for areas where women hang out recreationally: yachts, fundraisers, and limousines are all great options. Women enjoy the sensation of exclusivity, so high profile events are really your best bet. You also want an environment with an open bar to be certain the right type of women are in attendance. You're looking for girls who are graceful but also slightly off balance, like an ice-skating swan.

Expert Tip: Show up to all events in clothes that are just under social par with the occasion; there is an inverse relationship between dressing down and how important you appear.

Step 2: Show Up

Now that you've found a good spot where women socialize, you'll have to dive in head first. This will likely be the hardest part of the process. When you enter the party, premiere, private jet, etc. be prepared for a lot of women to abandon their current conversations to come speak to you. This is just something that naturally happens and it will almost certainly be overwhelming at first.

"Did we tell you that sometimes we kiss?"

Don't waste your time estimating how many of these women you will take home because you will always be wrong. Just stay present in the moment, shake hands and remember to say thank you when they compliment your recent awards/work/handsomeness. Oh, that's something else I nearly forgot:

Step 3: Be Handsome

It's incredibly important that you be attractive, otherwise you'll have nothing to talk about. Your handsomeness will put women at ease and ensure that they are sexually aroused by your appearance alone. It's possible to win without beauty but it's a lot of work and hardly worth it. Plus, it's just good etiquette to be good looking; the women you intend to sleep with will likely be attractive so it follows that you should return the favor.

Is this too much to ask?

Now I've read other guides that encourage you to find "inner beauty" which is a novel idea but I ask you to really consider that concept for a moment. If your guts were genuinely more attractive than your outsides then people born with hearts on the outside of their bodies would be the only ones reproducing, and that's nonsense. The only people who are really curious what you look like on the inside are serial killers. To everyone else, that's disgusting.

Expert Tip: Synthetic aesthetic will not fly. Nice shoes, groomed facial hair and contacts are all methods for masking human flaws, but women are very perceptive and see right through them. Your handsomeness must be organic or you are doomed.

Step 4: Learn the Cues

Outside of attractiveness, verbal cues are the biggest determining factors in how a woman perceives you. It's important to give all the right signals and say the right things so that she knows you are the type of guy she can share a bed with, or at the very least, a bathrooms stall.

Some of the very best verbal cues serve a second function as conversation starters. By hiding subtle erotic innuendo in the phrasing of a simple question, you can keep sex at the top of a woman's mind during her entire encounter with you. What's more, women enjoy it when you show an active interest in their lives. Some questions that have never failed me are, "Have you heard of me?" "Did you know I own a real-life treasure?" and "When do you think we'll get to the fornication?"

Get used to this look.

From that point you are likely to receive an answer, sometimes it's long. I've found that you only need to catch a few words at the very beginning and the rest is just patience topped up with a few syllables of laughter now and then. At a certain point she will either stop and walk away or she will agree to sleep with you. If you find yourself in any situation other than these two, then you clearly ignored the part about being naturally handsome that I was so specific about earlier. If she is still there and looking to you as though she expects you to say something then you have accidentally stumbled into a conversation. Don't panic. This is a great opportunity for another verbal cue to lure her in.

One that I've always found to work is announcing that I am engaged. Women love the idea of fidelity and a man who devotes himself entirely to one woman, but at their very core, they are also sexual hijackers. Just announcing that a woman intends to marry you is an indication to the others that you are indeed, desirable, and worthy of stealing. Then, like seagulls around food they will claw and scramble toward the center of the pile, knowing only that there is demand for what is in the middle but not quite understanding what it might be.

I guess in this scenario, I am the garbage.

Expert Tip: Always carry a famous painting or other worldly treasure with you so that if all else fails, you can prove that you are rich.

Step 5: Finish What You Start

By this point you have no doubt brought one or more women home to your villa. Now that you have them in proper lighting you will be able to get a good look at each. Some of these women may be incredibly attractive and elegant while others will be the shiny, high laughing types who sprawl over your furniture and let their mouths hang open like water buckets. Still, by bringing these women back your place, you have entered a tacit agreement to satisfy them all sexually, down to the last one.

Even her.

A great way to get things started is to coax them out to your pool. This gives everyone an opportunity to be playful while simultaneously stripping down and getting a good sense of what they'll be working with.

Expert Tip: It's important that you have your maids clean earlier in the day because women are significantly less likely to remove their clothes in an environment they don't think is sanitary.

Even when everyone is comfortable, you will still have to be the one to initiate the actual sex. This can be a complicated maneuver; it must be tactful while leaving no room for ambiguity of intention. I find that I can set the tone nicely by stripping completely naked and doing a double back flip off the diving board while masturbating. This is almost always met with applause and then an immediate launch into intimacy, but you can find your own depending on the height of your diving board. Once the erotic-ice is broken, you are home free. From that point you can rely on your innate skill, and spectacular endurance to see you through the rest of the evening. Come morning, it is your obligation to make everyone waffles.

Don't you dare half-ass it.

And there you have it; just five steps from meeting to mating that are guaranteed to work for anyone. Now go forth and utilize your new tools, I would wish you luck if I thought you needed it. Meanwhile, I will listen each night to hear your success, to hear those words, faint as they may be, drifting through my window on the hot wind, "Oh, Soren. Soren." And I will answer, "Yes."