It's Valentine's Day, the first heartbeat of spring. I am a strong advocate of any holiday that puts pretense aside and encourages celebrators to trade pricey gifts for sexual favors. When affection can be measured in real currency, I always win because my love is deep and so are my pockets.

There was a time, however, when I thought a heartfelt gift was as good, if not better, than an expensive one. I was young and didn't understand the complex bartering system of relationships. What follows is an epistolary story from my own life two years ago, and my hope is that others may learn from my naivety.

On Valentine's Day, I started an incidental pen pal relationship, and slowly fell in love. Foolishly, I thought I could win her with words and white lies alone, but it all came crashing down. In retrospect, I should have sent her a Cuisinart or something so she knew I was a serious catch, but we live and we learn.

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Dear Sandra Bullock, we have never met, bu I feel Comfortable writing to You because of Your Kind Your disarming eyes, Smile, and becavse I think I'm
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Dear r Bewie . Ms. Bullock strives to read and respond to all fan mail but she is very busy and cannot get to every letter. I want to thank you on her
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My Doomed Attempt to Woo Sandra Bullock
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My Doomed Attempt to Woo Sandra Bullock
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To Soren. Sandra deeply appreciates your familiarity with her films. and having you as a fan. I can you never owned she been house assure that she any
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My Doomed Attempt to Woo Sandra Bullock
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My Doomed Attempt to Woo Sandra Bullock
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Soren. Is this a joke? You have my attention, I hope you are happy. I've dealt with overzealous fans before and you are not unique, in spite of what y
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My Doomed Attempt to Woo Sandra Bullock
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Feb l0. 3009 oh Sondra, You are going love this dace whe You Lie here. If thes walls could only tolk. They wouls probaby tell me about all the tmes Ya
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Soren. We do not live in different times and I think you know that. Just because you write 2009 in crayon at the top of your letter, does not make it

My Doomed Attempt to Woo Sandra Bullock

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Sandra, So I thiak we have the Same dog. Love, Soren
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that was yor He took my dog? listen to very caeefrlly' / ove that dog. not hurt her. Please do don Try ti uheer'stand you Tell lc m the futune me wha
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My Doomed Attempt to Woo Sandra Bullock
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Dear Sandra, I'm training it for You. This sog will be tTe best Comesion when You get her. T'm also leaving hidden Messages and Copies of Persuasiea a
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What are yin #llz abont? That doese lrei sense! lf you live im make the future oid /ve alradu miored ont af the house f then how worle any good ? that
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My Doomed Attempt to Woo Sandra Bullock
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Dearest Sondm, I have Some importont news. T hope You are sithing down. I've agreed to a govemment study for Cryogenic freering. I know that You bel:e
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FILED BLOEROA E CENTMALAAnO CEMRER DEC 24 2002 tne Con AANBLATER mnau Pouba Y NORIER coPy SUPERIOR COURT OF THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA FOR THE COUNTY OF
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To Sondra, [Frorer] Love, Soren
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