‘Brides will say things like, ‘It’s my special day.’ But how do you call it your day if your dad’s paying for it? I think it’s his day, and I think it’s a really weird day for him. He’s paying a ton of money to make sure a man has sex with you that night’
‘You know, I’m not new to live TV — in 1952, I starred in my first live sitcom, which was ‘Life with Elizabeth,’ joked Betty White. ‘And, of course, back then we didn’t want to do it live. We just didn’t know how to tape things. So I don’t know what this show’s excuse is.’
‘I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a hundred dollars and said, ‘Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.’ So he went out and bought a present for my mother.’
‘I don’t understand why the people that play a lottery aren’t more afraid of lightning. Like if you believe in those odds, shouldn’t you? ‘Hey, I’ve got 20 bucks on the Pick 5. Is that a storm? Oh, shit!’’
‘When I was 25, all I did was just scream, ‘Sellout! Fucking sellouts! Corporate sellout! Industry bullshit!’ I looked back on it and I realized, ‘Oh, I was screaming sellout because nobody wanted to buy what I was selling.’
Including this terrifying bit from Ronald Reagan at the height of the Cold War: ‘My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you today that I’ve signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes’
‘Edward Norton takes the craft of acting very seriously. He prepared to play the Incredible Hulk by spending 30 years losing his temper and turning into a giant a**hole’
Jimmy Fallon in blackface. Wayne and Garth mocking a 12-year-old Chelsea Clinton’s looks. Dana Carvey transforming into Camilla Parker Bowles’ tampon. Here’s the worst of the worst from Studio 8H
‘In Canada, the drinking age is 18. That’s unnecessary. Nobody wants to get loaded around people who have hope and their whole lives still ahead of them’
‘I was just on a flight with a medical emergency. Luckily, there were eight doctors on it, which was so comforting. But then I started thinking, ‘This is Frontier Airlines. They can’t be good doctors. This guy is f----d!’’
‘I don’t ever want to pay my student loans off. That’s my FU to college. I hope this Earth burns down before I get a zero balance on my student loans. I want the balance on my tombstone’
