11 of the Only Good ‘Kids These Days’ Jokes

11 Christina P

“I really feel bad for millennials, because everybody hates you so much. And I think the reason that people don’t like you that are my age is because you guys like yourselves so much. You guys have self-esteem, and my generation? We did not. We hated ourselves. Like, our song was ‘Loser’ by Beck.”

10 Fred Klett

“My dad would spank — that was the ultimate punishment. I truly wish with my whole heart I had grown up in a world like today where parents use timeouts. I would have loved a timeout. That’s how parents get tough with their kids today: ‘You know what, mister? You pushed me to the edge. I’m not taking any more. Time out! That’s right, you pushed Johnny’s head into the brick wall and got blood everywhere. You’re not getting away with that. That’s right mister — you can just grab your cell phone computer games and head to your room.’ 

“If I had a timeout, I would have started my day by just walking up to my brothers, ‘Yeah, why don’t you touch me now? (punch) I’ll take the timeout.’”

9 Mark Normand

“I’m in my 30s, which is a fun spot because I get to watch old people and young people fight: ‘These Boomers are clueless!’ ‘Gen Z’s entitled!’ I watch my grandfather and my nephew go at it. They hate each other, but yet, they’re so similar it’s fascinating. My grandpa’s like, ‘You kids are soft! I was shot at in Vietnam!’ My nephew’s like, ‘I was shot at in homeroom!’”

8 Liz Blanc

“I teach Gen Z. They’re interesting because they’ll respect your pronouns, but not you as a person. I asked a kid to put his phone away the other day. He told me he was going to find my house and kill me. I was like, ‘Dude, that is wild — that you think your teacher can just have a house in L.A. like that. How are you gonna hate me and believe in me at the same time? Like, don’t kill me, make me a vision board you little shit. Let’s manifest!’”

7 Alec Parent

“As millennials, we get compared to the World War II generation, and that’s not fair. These people, they fought the Nazis. I’ll fight a Nazi online, it’s not the same. These people picked up a rifle for their country, I won’t pick up my cell phone if I don’t recognize the number. Different standards of bravery.”

6 Lachlan Patterson

“Get to know the old people, because the new old people that are coming are gonna be the worst old people we’ve ever had. We got some terrible old people coming. Old people now still have stories. You ever sit with an old person and look at their photos? Every photo’s got a story. ‘What’s this, Grandma?’ 

“‘Here is a picture of your great grandfather standing beside Charles Lindbergh before he flew across the Atlantic, the first ever transatlantic flight in history.’

“That’s an amazing story. Can you imagine listening to the stories of old people’s photos 50 years from now? How terrible that experience is going to be? ‘What’s this, Grandma?’

“‘Here is a picture of my breakfast. What a breakfast! And here are some shoes I once thought about buying. And here is the wing of a plane. And here is the weather forecast. Here is a picture of your great grandmother staring at herself in the bathroom mirror. Here are 12 more of that exact same photo. Look!’”

5 Joe Kilgallon

“Every generation throughout the history of time has always dumped all over the newest generation. With millennials, it’s ‘just look look at them — their selfies and their dick pics.’ Yeah, because that technology didn’t exist for you! When the copy machine was first created, everyone was taking copies of their ass. Everybody was sitting on the copier in an office party. You don’t think Lincoln would have taken dick pics if that was available? Text them to his boyfriend? You know he would have done all that.”

4 Rae Sanni

“I’m a millennial. They make us so embarrassed about it. It’s always some Baby Boomer, like, ‘Ugh, my daddy used to punch me in the chest if I smiled.’ 

“‘Okay, I’m sorry my mom traveled all the way from Africa to America to raise me in an environment where I’m happy. I’m sorry my parents figured out that child abuse is not a way to rear children.’ 

“But it’s always the same complaint: It’s always some Baby Boomer like, ‘Ugh, The Kardashians and avocado toast…’ I’m like, ‘Avocado toast sounds like a Baby Boomer problem, actually. It sounds like things rich people can do — like home ownership and moral outrage at athletes. That’s a you problem.’ 

“I don’t know. We can’t be the worst that America’s ever done. We can’t be, ‘cause we used to own people. Women couldn’t vote. If you were broke, you could send your little baby to work in a coal mine, and they come back home with little black lung. Little baby infant black lung. 

“So maybe me buying Kim Kardashian’s book of selfies is the best humanity has ever been. Maybe be a little nicer.”

3 Jen Kirkman

“Gen X wasn’t filled with slackers, but they called us slackers because we didn’t worship money the same way they did. It was a mean thing, and we didn’t actually slack off when it came to important social justice issues. But someone young said to me, ‘Well, prove it!’ I’m like, ‘I can’t. I didn’t have Instagram, so I can’t show you my account from back then.’ And he was like, ‘You must’ve had pictures.’ 

“‘No, you’re not understanding. In the 1990s, if you had a camera, you were a photographer. Nobody had a camera. It was a giant thing you had to wear around your neck, and it looked dorky. And if you showed up at a party, ‘Hey, everyone, I got my camera!’, they’d be like, ‘Go away, you narc! This is a party! We don’t take pictures of what we’re doing! We don’t want any evidence of this. Go!’”

2 Eddie Della Siepe

“I’m at that age now where the most annoying sound in the world is sitting next to a bunch of teenagers, laughing, having a good time. You ever been around a bunch of kids just laughing and having a good time? You just wanna go up to them and go, ‘What the fuck is so funny?!?! Have you seen gas prices?!?! I had to take a loan out to buy groceries! We’re never going to own a home! None of us!’ And they’re like, ‘Bet!’ ‘WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?!?! You bet? You betcha? I don’t know!’”

1 Christopher Titus

“I do want to apologize to a group of people I’ve been mocking for a long time — millennials and Gen Z. I’ve been making fun of them for their participation trophies and their helicopter parents, had to make them learn saxophone and Chinese by the time they were two, and then they had puppy rooms because they have anxiety. And now they’re all older. They have the facial hair of a Civil War reenactor, or they look like they joined a barbershop quartet. But I realized something recently: If you’re a millennial or Gen Z, you’ve lived through the worst 30 years in modern American history. Imagine being a Gen Z. It’s 1999, you’re three, and your parent’s like, ‘You’re gonna go to school next year! Are you ready?’ 

“‘Yeah, mom I can’t wait! I just watched the Columbine massacre on television. I’m gonna need a couple things. I’d like a bulletproof backpack. I also want to open-carry a Glock 16, so if I get messed with on the kickball field, I can stand my ground!’

“And then 9/11 happens, and your parents were like, ‘Alright, the president said we can’t let the terrorists win, so we’re going to fly the entire family to Disney World!’

“‘I’m not getting on a plane, mom! Osama’s gonna pancake that sucker right into It’s a Small World! Mickey’s gonna burn! And can you tell grandma not to send me a birthday card? I don’t wanna open and get my five-dollar bill and anthrax.’

“Then they get a little older: ‘Billy, what do you want to be when you grow up?’ 

“‘Well mom, I was going to be an astronaut, but I just watched the space shuttle explode — again. So I think what I’m going to do is lock myself in the puppy room to get rid of my stress… Stress? What am I talking about? I don’t have stress! You’ve had me on Zoloft and Lexapro since I was covered in placenta, and I want you to know I'm really mad about that. I just can’t show it.’”