Dolly Parton’s Best Jokes About Dolly Parton’s Boobs
Before we get to the boob jokes, let’s acknowledge Dolly Parton’s equally sizable career accomplishments.
She has record 65 albums and 26 number one songs. She has earned 11 Grammys and two Oscar nominations. She has written eight books and secured honors from the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, Country Music Hall of Fame, Kennedy Center Honors and National Medal of Arts. Meanwhile, her literacy program has sent hundreds of millions of books to children all over the world. Oh, and did you receive the Moderna vaccine? Well, Parton helped fund it. She’s twice turned down a Presidential Medal of Freedom, and she asked that a Tennessee bill to put up a statue in her honor be removed because, “Given all that is going on in the world, I don’t think putting me on a pedestal is appropriate at this time.”
The point is, if there’s anyone out there who thinks Dolly Parton is only famous for her breasts, then those breasts have managed to do more good in the world than 99.9 percent of the rest of us. Not that any of it bothers her anyway — in fact, she’s an incredible sport about it; so much so that no one tells a Dolly Parton boob joke better than Dolly Parton.
Their Origin Story
Dolly: I would always take my mom and my sisters up to Gatlinburg, Tennessee. That’s a wonderful little town. I’d take them up to the Pancake House to eat. One time we were there, we were having our meal, and this old man came over to our table. He sat down, and he was just talking to us. We didn’t know him, but we were all laughing. Finally, he left, and we finished. I went up to pay the bill, and the man said, “Well, your grandpa left his bill here, too.” I said, “My grandpa?” That old man had come over and scammed us. I said, “Well, that was not my grandpa.” But I paid for it, of course. When we left, I walked down the street, and he was standing there at the light. I went over to him, and I said, “Hey, I would have been happy to have paid your bill. But telling them you’re my grandpa…” He took his walking stick, and he started beating me across the chest as hard as he could. Just wham, wham, wham, wham, wham! And it hurt!
Jimmy Fallon: Oh, my gosh! Really? But then what happened?
Dolly: What do you mean what happened? These two big lumps came up, and they never did go down!
On Their Worth
“I do have large boobs. Always had them. I’ve pushed them up, whacked them around. Why not make fun of them? I’ve made a fortune with them.”
“I was the first woman to burn my bra — it took the fire department four days to put it out.”
On Her Tiny Feet
“I have little feet because nothing grows in the shade.”
On How Their Her Support System
“I don’t know if I’m supporting them, or they’re supporting me.”
On Whether They’re Real or Not
“People always ask me if they’re mine. Yes, they are — all bought and paid for.”
On Why She Never Ran for Public Office
“Don’t you think we’ve had enough boobs in the White House?”
On Arnold Schwarzenegger Teaching Her How to Flex Them
On Their Best Nickname
“I call these my weapons of mass distraction — the (right) shock and (left) awe.”
On Dolly the Sheep
When it came out that scientists named the first cloned sheep after Parton for no other reason than they used sampled cells from the original sheep’s mammary glands, she joked, “Somebody said, ‘Well, weren’t you offended that this was so controversial?’ I said, ‘As far as I’m concerned, there’s no such thing as b-a-a-a-a-a-a-d publicity.”
On Propping Them Up
“I don’t have legs and beauty like these girls — well, I would’ve been tall, but I got bunched up at the top. I’ve always had big ‘uns, but I’ve had a little help lately. Yeah, well, it’s when my husband said, ‘Let me see your boobs,’ and had to pull my skirt up, I thought I’d better get ‘em (lifted).”
On Keeping Her Word
Parton appeared on the cover of Playboy back in 1978, but the big question on everyone’s minds was whether or not she’d ever agree to a nude pictorial. Her answer was always, “Maybe when I’m 75.” Well, Playboy was no longer around by the time Parton reached that age, but she held true to her word (kinda) by recreating her iconic cover in honor of her husband’s birthday.
On the Ultimate Callback
Jane Fonda: Tonight we’re here to recognize some men who conduct themselves with the utmost integrity.
Lily Tomlin: They’re nominated for their extraordinary work in supporting roles.
Dolly: Well, I know about support. If it hadn’t been for good support, shock and awe here would be more like flopsy and droopy.
On Keeping It All in Perspective
“There’s a heart beneath the boobs, and a brain beneath the wig.”