12 of the Best Chevy Chase Burns from Comedy Central’s ‘Roast of Chevy Chase’

12 of the Best Chevy Chase Burns from Comedy Central’s ‘Roast of Chevy Chase’

The Comedy Central Roast of Chevy Chase was less a collection of humorous burns and more a referendum on Chase’s shitty behavior over the years. A few of his most frequently cited sins: Him treating everyone he worked with like crap, blaming his prolific cocaine usage on “back pain,” torching any bridge within a 100-mile radius of wherever he was standing at the time and his colossal ego. This roasting cut so deep that for the entire show, Chase shifted around awkwardly in his seat, only able to muster the occasional pained chuckle.

As such, it was one of the roughest Comedy Central roasts to watch — if you were Chase. Otherwise, it was a fascinating (and hilarious) case study in watching someone get their comeuppance in real time — not to mention, before their very eyes. It’s all fantastic, but here are a dozen particularly great burns that left a mark that’s still yet to heal.

Paul Shaffer

“What happened to Chevy’s career? I can answer that question in three grams.”

Stephen Colbert

“Who am I to attack Chevy Chase? I don’t know Chevy Chase. I have never met Mr. Chase. Actually, I’m uncomfortable calling him Chevy. The only thing I think of when I look at this man is, ‘There but for the grace of God, go I.’ Why would I tempt the Comedy Gods to leave me pale and pear-shaped — a humorless husk of my former self haunting the halls of Hollywood like some sort of walking, waking cautionary tale, shapeless and odorless and colorless, gray-on-beige, a comedy lamprey just sucking the joy out of everything I touch? I won’t do it!”

Greg Giraldo

“Chevy is a comedy icon, and living proof that you could actually snort the funniness right out of yourself.”

Laraine Newman

Reading excerpts from her “diary”: “September 30, 1975. Dear diary, Wow, I don’t know if this show is going to work, but you couldn’t ask for a better group of people. Already Jane, Gilda and I feel like sisters. Danny is hilarious and has invited everyone up to his bar in Canada. Belushi’s a little gruff, but it’s obvious he’s a sweetheart. Chevy said to me and I quote, ‘You know, the Holocaust never really happened. It’s a lie perpetrated by the Jews, who own 80 percent of the wealth in this country.’ Then he tried to sell me coke. I didn’t buy any, partly because I didn’t have any money but mostly because he wanted me to use his dick as a straw.

“November 12, 1975. Dear diary, Something terrible happened to Chevy while doing a Gerald Ford sketch. He took a pratfall over a podium and injured his scrotum. I can imagine how painful hurting your scrotum is when you’re as big a dick as Chevy. 

“December 2, 1975. Dear diary, The show is being plagued with bad luck. Danny had a psychotic break, Belushi’s gone missing and Lorne had a polyp removed from his colon. The biopsy showed that the polyp was actually Chevy up Lorne’s ass.

“October 7, 1976. Dear diary, Chevy quit the show. He announced to us that he's leaving to pursue a dream he’s had since he was a little boy: To make movies and host the worst talk show in history. We wished him well. We knew he could do it.”

Al Franken

“I think a serious contribution that Chevy has made to our society is to show people how to deal with a chemical dependency problem. I’m talking, of course, about Chevy’s heroic struggle against his addiction to ‘back pills.’ When Chevy Chase announced that he was going to the Betty Ford Clinic for his dependency on ‘back pills,’ it sent a message to America that addiction isn’t confined to illegal drugs like, say, cocaine. I remember at SNL, the guy who used to deliver Chevy’s ‘back pills.’ I think his name was Ronnie Sunshine.”

Richard Belzer

“I knew Chevy’s dad. His dad told me an interesting story about Chevy. When Chevy was a little boy, he used to masturbate a lot. And one day, his father caught him masturbating and said, ‘You keep doing that, and someday you’re going to be starring in Fletch Lives.’”

Marc Maron

“I heard you mentioning over there, ‘Who the hell are these guys? I’m being roasted by nobodies. How can it be funny?’ At least I’m a nobody at the beginning of my career.”

Al Franken

“Chevy is a great sport about it. No one laughed harder than Chevy when the town of Chevy Chase, Maryland tried to change its name to Not Funny, Maryland.”

Stephen Colbert

“I’d like to offer a little bit of warning to the rest of the people who have to come up here and talk about this good man before you attack him. There may come a day, in your darkest hour, when you’re a shadow of your albeit paper-thin self. And when that day comes, I hope you’re cheered up by something that Mr. Chase so famously said: ‘He’s Chevy Chase and you’re not.’ And if that doesn’t cheer you up, I don’t know what will.”

Paul Shaffer

“Some say Chevy’s career went into the shithouse because he burned a lot of bridges… He had a problem with prescription drugs… I think it was the acting.”

Beverly D’Angelo

“Most people assume that when co-stars are on location that sooner or later, at a certain point, they’ll make love. I know that Chevy thought so. In fact, he claimed it was a SAG bylaw.”

Paul Shaffer

“Chevy, tonight it’s all about love. You made us laugh so much, and then inexplicably stopped in about 1978.”

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