10 Michelle Wolf Jokes for the Hall of Fame

‘Brides will say things like, ‘It’s my special day.’ But how do you call it your day if your dad’s paying for it? I think it’s his day, and I think it’s a really weird day for him. He’s paying a ton of money to make sure a man has sex with you that night’
10 Michelle Wolf Jokes for the Hall of Fame

You probably know Michelle Wolf best from her scathing set at the 2018 White House Correspondents’ Dinner, where she fearlessly tore apart the Trump administration from top to bottom. Not even the president himself, who boycotted the event on account of all those in the “fake news,” was spared from her wrath. Or as Wolf joked, his refusal to attend the proceedings made Trump “the one pussy you’re not allowed to grab.” 

Wolf’s most infamous barb, though, was aimed at White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders. “I actually really like Sarah,” Wolf explained. “I think she’s very resourceful. Like, she burns facts, and then she uses the ash to create a perfect smoky eye. Like, maybe she’s born with it; maybe it’s lies. It’s probably lies.”

But as brilliant as Wolf was that night, she has many other jokes that are just as good — and searing. In fact, here are 10 that have more than earned their place in our Hall of Fame.

On Massages

“A lot of people are worried about immigrants coming and taking our jobs. I’m worried about Americans taking immigrant jobs. I got a massage from a Midwestern white lady. It essentially felt like a cat was walking on my back for an hour. Not an angry or a hungry cat — just a happy cat that was trying to find a place to sleep. Then, a couple of weeks later, I got a massage from a Korean man. He pressed into my back with the pressure that he had left his whole family behind. That’s a great massage! You need a massage from someone who’s been through something. You can’t get a massage from a woman named Meredith, where the worst thing that ever happened to her is the one time she got bangs.”

On Work

“I got fired from my last job. It was fair. I had stopped working. When they fired me, they called me into HR, and they were like, ‘Michelle, it seems like you’re just not doing your job.’ And I was like, ‘Yeah, but for like nine months. So I think two of us haven’t been doing our jobs.”

On Blaming White Men

“The white women of my generation have completely abandoned white men. We blame everything on you. Even though you pay our rent, we blame everything on you. We’re like, ‘They did it! It was them! We couldn’t… our arms!’ We are the exact opposite of ride-or-die. We are ride-and-flee-immediately. We’re all Rose from Titanic. We grabbed a door, and we shoved a white man into the sea: ‘Like, I am literally freezing.’ I like to do all my historical women as millennials. It’s just more fun to do history that way. Like, all the women on the Titanic would have been like, ‘It’s so annoying the boat sunk. How do you not see an iceberg?’ That had to be the main discussion on all of the lifeboats. It was just a bunch of women being like, ‘So, he just didn’t see it? Isn’t that literally his whole job? This is the most random ocean. I’m starving.’”

On Periods

“Periods are gross. I know they’re gross, but I talk about them a lot because I want men to be more comfortable. But then I was thinking how we would act if men were the ones who got periods, and you know what? I don’t think we would be very nice. As soon as a man got his period, we’d be like, ‘Get in the shed, Kevin! Kevin, get in the shed. No! You’re very leaky! And when you’re in the house, you’re only on the linoleum. Don’t you dare go in my living room. That’s a new slipcover, and you’re very leaky. You’re just like your father.’”

On Weddings

“Brides will say things like, ‘It’s my day. It’s my special day.’ But how do you call it your day if your dad’s paying for it? I think it’s his day, and I think it’s a really weird day for him. He’s paying a ton of money to make sure a man has sex with you that night.”

On Sex

“It should be hard to make a human! It’s hard to make a croissant. It takes three days to make a croissant! You can make a human in that bathroom. You cannot make a croissant in that bathroom. How many people here have successfully made a croissant? How many people here have accidentally made a human? And those two people are never the same, ’cause croissant-makers are planners — they’re usually a little less fun. Now, if when you had sex, you accidentally made a croissant, that would be great. Finally, women would be like, ‘No, I’m paying for the drinks, and we’re leaving now. Drink it up, little lady, we’re going home! I’m hungry and I want a flaky snack!’ And men would finally be like, ‘I feel like you’re just using me for the croissant.’”

On #MeToo

“The #MeToo movement was the worst movement I’ve ever seen. It was really frustrating because I thought we had the opportunity to have real social change. We could have made things better for women and men, but we messed it up immediately. I wanted to get involved in #MeToo. Now, I didn’t want to get #MeToo-ed, that’s not how I want to get involved — I thought a more fun way to get involved would be to start #MeToo-ing men. That just turned into like three one-night stands. It’s really hard to #MeToo a guy. Have you ever tried? You go up to a guy at work, and you’re like, ‘Hey, nice ass.’ He’ll be like, ‘Oh my God, no one has ever complimented my body! Most people just call me smart and capable, but you made me feel pretty. Can I touch your boob?’”

On Childbirth

“I would give birth if we could give birth like giraffes. First of all, there’s a lady giraffe, and she doesn’t even look pregnant — she looks great. She has a summer body. Spots are in; she looks amazing. Then, all of a sudden, out of what I can only assume is her gaping vagina, a baby giraffe just falls six feet to the ground. The bitch doesn’t even bend her knees. She’s just like, ‘Life’s hard, learn it now!’ There’s a crumpled, gooey giraffe at her feet. She doesn’t make a face, she doesn’t make a sound, she just walks away, and she’s like, ‘Are you coming? We’re late. Fix your wobbly legs, or you’re gonna die.’ Seems like a good mom.”

On Chivalry

“I was on a date. A guy offered to walk me to my door. He was like, ‘I just want to make sure you get home safe.’ That’s bullshit! That’s not why you’re walking me to my door. That’s your last-ditch effort to touch a boob. At that point in the night, the most dangerous thing at my door is you! And if a robber came by, I don’t think you’d be able to do anything about it, ’cause earlier that night at dinner, I learned you have a gluten allergy. You can’t protect me from a biscuit. Also, that’s why you’re not coming up. There’s nothing less sexy than hearing a guy be like, ‘Well, I can’t eat bread.’ ‘Cause I’m gonna need you to be okay with yeast.”

On Mother Nature

“Climate change is a real big deal, and everyone says, ‘Mother Nature.’ I do believe nature is a woman, because she’s trying to kill us in the most passive-aggressive way possible. It’s not some sort of immediate fire or flood or a cool explosion. She’s just like, ‘What? I raised the temperature a little. Oh, are you uncomfortable? Well, maybe I wouldn’t have if you’d TAKEN OUT THE RECYCLING LIKE I ASKED! I’m fine.’”

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