14 Iliza Shlesinger Jokes for the Hall of Fame

14 On Girlfriend Audition Time

“The beginning of a relationship is exciting because it’s brand new. You’re both on your best behavior. It’s still electric. You’re not totally sure about the history of mental illness in each other’s families. It’s fun. And the most nerve-wracking part of a new relationship, when you’re younger, is the first time a boy comes over to your apartment. Because it’s ostensibly, like your girlfriend audition time. You want him to come in and be like: ‘Oh, it’s so homey. I’d like to stay forever.’ And you’re like, ‘Yes, come closer.’ You try so hard in your 20s. Because you’re young and it’s fun — that’s your 20s. In your 30s, no, no, no. Homeboy knocks on the door, you open it, you’re standing there in combat boots, nothing else and a garbage can on fire behind you. You’re like, ‘Welcome to the Fuckdome, Scott.’”

13 On Weekends

“The weekend represents the 48 hours that you have to fuck up the life you worked so hard for all week.”

12 On Guys Getting Barbed Wire Tattoos

“Guys like to get barbed-wire tattoos. What does that say? ‘I’m barbed wire. I’m a badass.’ Why just on the one arm? Is that warning me about the dangers of that arm?”

11 On Lying Ex-Boyfriends

Her story of her former boyfriend’s web of lies on her special This Is Not Happening became the basis for the Netflix film Good on Paper, which Schlesinger wrote and starred in. Or as she put it, “If you’re gonna mess with someone because you’re a crazy person, try not messing with a stand-up comedian who has access to a national television show. Go fuck yourself, Brian.”

10 On Hollywood Female Archetypes

“It’s always the quiet girl — the new girl that gets Channing Tatum. It’s always the girl who doesn’t realize how beautiful she is. The girl that isn’t funny, isn’t opinionated. The subtext of that message is that men don’t like a lippy woman, so zip it, hottie. Because it’s always the girl who doesn’t know she’s hot — which by the way, that Hollywood archetype? Bullshit. Because you fucking know when you’re hot. No one’s walking around like, ‘What do I do with these giant tits and thin legs? How did I get on this Victoria’s Secret catwalk? I’m choking on my silky hair!’”

9 On Fairy Tales

“We’ve been taught this message since we were little girls: Princesses get saved. Sleeping Beauty was saved when the Prince kissed her while she was sleeping. Terrible moral. What do we take away from that? Generations of men were like, ‘No, if you just kiss them when they’re sleeping, they’re forever grateful… Officer.’”

8 On Getting Ready for a Date

“Gentlemen, you must know that every single woman in this room, nay, the world has a list of things she does to get ready. She does everything from plucking a hair on a big toe to filing down a fang. We have a list. There’s a pinnacle of attractiveness that every woman is capable of reaching; meaning once we’ve gotten ready, there’s a point where we’re done and we ain’t getting any hotter. And every minute that you’re late to pick us up is one more minute we spend messing with our makeup, and we get uglier. One time my date was an hour late, I grew a tail.“

7 On Drunkeness

“There’s different kinds of drunks, and people think they get a lot smarter when they’re drunk. Some people want to talk when they’re drunk. The Latin phrase for this is ‘in vino veritas,’ which means ‘in wine, there’s truth’. Which is why when girls get drunk, we’re always like, ‘Can I just tell you a secret?’”

6 On Mermaids

“Girls, we’ve got to say smarter things from now on. Let’s make a pact from now on — I don’t want to hear any more women talk about how they want to be mermaids. It’s stupid. And I’m not trying to be a bitch, but like it’s probably not gonna happen for you. Literally, you don’t have the bone structure. 

“What worries me is I see it a lot, and it’s not from children — it’s grown women going like, ‘I don’t want to be an adult anymore. I want to be a mermaid!’ The amount of escapism that’s in that sentence… You want to move to the woods, you want to make jam, fine. At least you’re still paying taxes. You want to be a mermaid? That means that all of your achievements in life are going to lead to you being a fictional fuck toy for a horny sailor.”

5 On Orgasms

“If I say anything you’re gonna listen to tonight, this is the most important one: Never laugh at your significant other when they’re having an orgasm. That is their time to shine. Let them have that.”

4 On High Heels and Height

“Guys, next time you see a girl in a pair of heels, ask her how tall she is. She will give you two numbers: She will give you her height, and her heel height. ‘How tall are you?’

‘I’m 5-foot-6. I’m 5-foot-9 in heels.’

“Girls, don’t do that. No one’s interested in how tall you can be. We’re not picking for basketball teams. It doesn’t matter. They’re just trying to talk to you. After that initial height, it’s just mindless statements. ‘5-foot-6, 5-foot-9 in heels.’ Great. I can go 5 miles an hour, 80 in a car.”

3 On Bras

“When you go home tonight and take off your bra, you’ll notice only one hook is doing the work. Because these things aren’t structurally sound. It’s that middle hook that’s been stripped of its paint. The hook and eye are so warped it looks like God touching man.” 

2 On Table Corners

“You ever catch a table corner in the crotch when you’re walking too fast? I always wear a plastic insert here (pats inner thigh) to deflect oncoming table corners. You guys walk into a restaurant. You see tables. I see a minefield.”

1 On Emotional Baggage

“We cherish our rejections. They give us texture; they give us personality. And we take each one, and we label each issue, each past grievance in its own mason jar — it’s very rustic — and we put it into our sack of emotional baggage. ‘He broke up with me because I slept with his brother. Well, they’re twins. They showed up in different colored hats or something. I was set up.’ 

“And we throw that baggage over our shoulder and what we do is we then walk it into the new relationship. Yes, and the best part is the new boyfriend has no idea what you’re hauling, and he welcomes you — yes, he welcomes you — to the new union, like, ‘Oh, come on in! You seem pretty cool and well-adjusted.’ And you’re like, “Oh, I am, yes. This seems like a safe place for me to UNPACK MY SHIT!”