‘The Simpsons’: 15 Dark Humor Jokes from Mr. Burns
For 34 seasons (and one movie), The Simpsons’ Charles Montgomery Plantagenet Schicklgruber “Monty” Burns has been the ultimate One Percenter — the embodiment of everything wrong with rich people. But while he’s made the lives of every citizen in Springfield a living hell hundreds times over, he’s also had a sense of humor about it. Admittedly, it’s a very dark sense of humor — and almost always at someone else’s expense. But it’s not not funny. Consider the 15 examples below…
Channeling Cruella de Vil
“Like my loafers? Former gophers! It was that or skin my chauffeurs. But a greyhound fur tuxedo would be best. So let’s prepare these dogs.”
Addressing His Workers
“Compadres, it is imperative that we crush the freedom fighters before the start of the rainy season. And remember, a shiny new donkey for whoever brings me the head of Colonel Montoya. (Smithers whispers into his ear.) And by that, I mean, it’s time for the Worker of the Week Award.”
His Stuffed Mother
Smithers: I don’t suppose you’ll be forgetting about this tomorrow.
Mr. Burns: No sooner than I’d forget my own mother. (Pats his taxidermied bear)
Smithers: That’s not your mother. That’s your bear.
Mr. Burns: Well, then, where’s my stuffed mother?
Rallying His Football Team
Mr. Burns: Men, there’s a little crippled boy sitting in a hospital who wants you to win this game. I know because I crippled him myself to inspire you.
Cuts to Milhouse in a hospital bed.
Milhouse: I hope they win, or Mr. Burns said he’s coming back.
His Prison Cellmate Trying to Save His Soul
Cellmate: You can’t escape the word of Jesus Christ! Burns, you shall reject Satan!
Mr. Burns: Why can’t you reject your guy?
His Recycling Program
Mr. Burns: I call our product Little Lisa’s Patented Animal Slurry. It’s a high-protein feed for farm animals, insulation for low-income housing, a powerful explosive and a top-notch engine coolant. And best of all, it’s made from 100 percent recycled animals.
Lisa Simpson: I think I’m gonna be sick.
Mr. Burns: Oh, a spoonful of slurry will cure what ails you!
Revisiting the Skull and Bones Club at Yale
Mr. Burns: Ahh, nothing relaxes me like a stiff drink from the skull of Martin Van Buren.
Skull and Bones Member: Care for some Pancho Villa Burns?
Mr. Burns: Ugh, has everything in this school surrendered to diversity?
Surprise Labor Inspection
Department of Labor Officer: This power plant violates every labor law in the book. We found a missing soccer team from Brazil working in the reactor core.
Mr. Burns: That plane crashed on my property!
Getting a Kick Out of the Good Old Days
“What was I laughing at now? Oh yes, that crippled Irishman!”
Visiting the Morgue
Mr. Burns: Nothing lifts my spirits like shopping. Let’s see, I’ll take his liver, a case of Adam’s apples, that motorcycle man’s mustache.
Smithers: Oh, the money you’ve contributed to anti-helmet laws has really paid off, sir.
Mr. Burns: Well, young people are my future.
Losing His Race for Governor
“Ironic, isn’t it, Smithers? This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That’s democracy for you.”
Sending His Condolences
Smithers: Mr. Burns, I think he’s dead.
Mr. Burns: Oh dear, send a ham to his widow.
Smithers: No, wait. He’s alive!
Mr. Burns: Oh, good! Cancel the ham.
On Dying With Dignity
“I want to die quietly on my own terms, crushing as many of those baby sea turtles as I possibly can.”
Filling Out Paperwork at the Doctor’s Office
“‘Social Security number’: Naught-naught-naught, naught-naught, naught-naught-naught-two. Damn Roosevelt! ‘Cause of parents’ death’: Got in my way.”
Creative Differences on His Biopic
Mr. Burns: Okay, Spielbergo, I want you to do for me what Spielberg did for Oskar Schindler.
Señor Spielbergo: Schindler es muy bueno; Señor Burns es el diablo.
Mr. Burns: Pish posh! Listen, Spielbergo, Schindler and I are like peas in a pod! We’re both factory owners, we both made shells for the Nazis, but mine worked, damn it!