15 of the Best Lines from ‘Confess, Fletch’

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15 of the Best Lines from ‘Confess, Fletch’

After decades of the property lingering in development hell in Hollywood, we have ourselves a reboot of the Fletch franchise. Unfortunately, Confess Fletch was unceremoniously released with practically zero marketing and left to fend for itself on word-of-mouth recommendation alone, which is why we’re signal-boosting it because this film is really good!

Now, if you’re a fan of the two Chevy Chase Fletch films, Confess, Fletch is gonna be a major change for you. Chevy Chase really made the Fletch character his own, which was kinda part of the problem. He wasn’t the Fletch from Gregory Mcdonald’s brilliantly written mystery novels, this was Chevy Chase playing Chevy Chase sorta doing the same thing as the guy in the books. Jon Hamm’s take on the character, meanwhile, is much closer to the novels while incorporating Hamm’s natural comedic chops and leading man charm. Plus, the supporting cast is incredible, especially Roy Wood Jr. as Inspector Monroe.

So, to help convince you to check out Confess, Fletch for yourself, here are 15 of our favorite lines from the film, while keeping spoilers to a minimum — but you know, be forewarned, spoilers.

The Cops’ Lack of Urgency

Fletch: Hi, this is I.M. Fletcher calling from 5 Union Park.
Officer: (on phone) Yeah, and…?
Fletch: There’s a murdered woman downstairs.
Officer: There’s a what woman?
Fletch: Murdered.
Officer: Well, uh, this is just a general precinct line. If you’re scheduling a meeting or something like that.
Fletch: Yeah, well, this is just a courtesy call.
Officer: A courtesy call? You got a murder, you call 9-1-1.
Fletch: Well, the emergency part’s kinda over, you know?

Interviewing a Pretentious ‘Lifestyle Curator’

Tatiana Tasserly: Every single piece I curate is bespoke.
Fletch: Ooh. Bespoke. I love that word. What does it mean again?
Tatiana Tasserly: Bespoke?
Fletch: Bespoke.
Tatiana Tasserly: Uh, it’s when an object bespeaks. It… Be-talks. It... No, wait. It be-teaches us something about ourselves.
Fletch: Wow. Thank you. Yeah. I think I have my pull quote.

What Not to Say in the Back of a Police Car

“Hey, guys, is there a way we can call in a coffee order? I’d kill for a macchiato. Not literally.”

Keeping Work in Perspective

Angela: Good for you, but you’re not a detective.
Fletch: No, but I was an investigative reporter of some repute. I don’t do much of that anymore.
Angela: Why?
Fletch: It’s an occupation that’s been cheapened by the digital age, like president.

Any Fletch/Monroe Back-and-Forth, Such As…

Inspector Monroe: Would you mind stepping out of the car please, Mr. Fletcher?
Fletch: Okay, but I’ll only stay for two or three insults. Four, max.
Inspector Monroe: This is a nice car for a broke asshole.
Fletch: That’s one.

On the Matter of Beards

Fletch: Does he have a beard now?
Angela: How should I know?
Fletch: You just said you talk to him all the time.
Angela: You can’t hear a beard over the phone.

Conflicting Instructions

Fletch: Listen, I used to be an investigative reporter of some repute. I could be very helpful in this whole matter.
Inspector Monroe: I used to play the trumpet in high school. I never offered advice to Miles Davis. Shut up and talk.
Fletch: That’s a very confusing combination of commands.

Monroe Soothing His Cranky Infant

“It’s okay, look at the cow. Look at Mr. Moo. Daddy’s got to talk to the murderer right now.”

On Love

Angela: I’ve fallen in love with married men, pathological liars, two drug dealers and a pyromaniac.
Fletch: Well, now, see, I’m only one or two of those things.

Talking to an Art Dealer

Ronald Horan: I was robbed a few years ago, so I don’t keep anything of value in the building. Those are reproductions.
Fletch: That’s how I introduce my children.

Fletch’s Rap Sheet

Inspector Monroe: I looked into your criminal record.
Fletch: And?
Inspector Monroe: Bad check charge. Two contempt of court charges. A number of non-payment of alimony charges…
Fletch: 100 percent of most of those were dismissed.
Inspector Monroe: You’re a bit of a shady character, Mr. Fletcher.
Fletch: But I am adorable.

The First of Many ‘Five-Star’ Running Gags in the Movie

Fletch: You know what? Right here's fine.
Uber Driver: What? I can’t stop here.
Fletch: Understood. Maybe you have something up there I can vomit into?

Fletch: Five stars. Bye.

That’s How Pseudonyms Work

Inspector Monroe: “Mr. Locke”?
Fletch: My pen name: Ralph Locke.
Inspector Monroe: Sounds made up.
Fletch: It’s a pen name.

An Out-of-Nowhere Children’s Rhyme Reference

Inspector Monroe: We obtained surveillance footage from a store around the corner.
Fletch: Where the fudge is made?

A Last-Minute Dig

Fletch spends most of the movie evading Inspector Monroe’s partner Griz, who’s been tasked with surveilling him. She’s a great comic foil, but after she swoops in and saves Fletch’s life, they have themselves a little moment.

Fletch: I never got your real name. I... I gotta know.
Griz: It’s Griselda. And I’m not ashamed of my name, Fletch. You shouldn’t be ashamed of yours either.
Fletch: Thanks.
Griz: There’s a lot of other things you could be ashamed of. Like your arrogance, your white privilege, your feet…
Fletch: Okay, well, um, thank you for saving my ass, Griselda.

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