Cardinal rules of social networking that I've blundered through in the past weeks. Hopefully you can use this advice to avoid breaking the same rules yourself, or perhaps more likely, deliberately break them many times simply to troll people.
Building a computer? If you're anything like me, this is not going to go very well for you.
I discovered recently that hundreds of websites all over the western world feature my face, pressed hard against the driver's side window of a Toyota Camry (Limited Edition), staring at a set of keys locked hopelessly inside.
Almost every advanced gadget we use presents another crack that a creepy or malicious person could pry open if they got the urge to stalk us.
Impressive new cellphone technologies are being developed each week, and there's no telling what wonderful procrastination possibilities our portable speak-boxes will have in a few years. Because we're telling you right now, some of this stuff borders on magic.
Identity theft is one of the most widely committed crimes in the world. Sometimes the crimes are so elaborate and the consequences are so strange and unpredictable that it almost makes us want to cancel all our credit cards.
It's not just Prince Harry or Michael Phelps. I've even seen this in person with my friends, on evenings when we've gathered for one of our regular naked drug roundtables.
On Pinterest, people are free to share your pinned recipes, crafts, inspirational photos, etc. on their boards, and so on, at a rate of several billion times a second (probably). Got it? Okay, now here's where it gets weird.
We do not necessarily approve of the use or even the manufacture of any of the following devices; we only feel a duty to alert you to their existence. Because they're insane.
It turns out that fighting real-life crime back in the day was more like a James Bond movie, if Q designed the weapons while drunk.
The most baffling websites to look at and realize: There's a person behind this.
At some point during the 21st century, society fully embraced the Internet, and comedy was forever changed for good and bad.