Cracked Archive - News

6 True Stories That Will Restore Your Faith in Humanity

While the headlines are dominated by our weekly mass shootings, the reality is that day to day, we common folk make little sacrifices for each other and let insults slide and feel bad when we act like douchebags.


The 4 Most Meaningless Arguments Against Gun Control

We need to stop saying the following four things, because they lead to nowhere. And as we all know, nothing gets done nowhere.


Why Journalism Is Screwed (And Obsessed With Dinosaur Sex)

If you haven't seen the big breaking news story about dinosaur sex, you should pat yourself on the back. Lots of people are reading this and sending it around and it proves we're screwed.


We Want to Pay You to Write for Us

Let's get right to it: We will pay you to write things for us even if you have never written anything for anybody before.


What Obamacare Means to the Jerk Who Stole My Girlfriend

The government hates sick people. With the historic decision on June 28th to uphold the Affordable Care Act, the Supreme Court has effectively given Obama the authority to wipe his fancy loafers all over your constitutional right to be ill.


7 Non-Economic Explanations of China's Economy

I've been chosen to infiltrate China, because no one would suspect an Irishman of even knowing what an economy was. I've spent the last few weeks learning their financial secrets for the West.


A Bizarre New Trend in Advertising: Sexualizing Illness

Sex has always been the silver bullet of advertising, until now!


5 Clearly Fake News Stories That Fooled the Media

When every news outlet feels like it has to break stories before Twitter has the chance, a lot of corners get cut. Specifically, the corner called 'fact checking.'


The 6 Most Hilariously Stupid Criminal Excuses of All Time

If making fun of stupid criminals is a crime, then we plead guilty. We'll even do it in some laughably incompetent way so that we can become a list entry in one of our own articles.


How Archie's Gay Friend Proved the Internet Can Do Good

The internet is often described as a festering pit of electronic hate, but in the same way your gut is a festering pit of bacteria -- the vast majority are harmless, and you're actually better off for having them around.


6 Things Rich People Need to Stop Saying (Update)

All of a sudden, it's like you can't make huge amounts of money without people getting all pissed off about it.


5 Reasons It's Impossible to Find Funny Books

It's so frustrating that, unlike movies and shows, it's almost impossible in this world to find funny damned novels.


The Only Argument on the Internet in Favor of SOPA

The Internet is on the verge of collapse. Again. It's all very dramatic.


The 9 Biggest Bastards of 2011

Some were good bastards ... most were bad


A Guide to Holiday Cocktails Written After Drinking Them All

Holiday drinks, much like candy canes and pfeffernusse cookies, have only survived as long as they have because humanity spends eleven months each year forgetting how disgusting they are.