4 Myths About The Ocean Movies Want Us To Believe

Welcome to Hollywood Myths, Cracked — our new series where we look at some of the blatant lies the Movie Illuminati keeps spreading through their films about cute little clownfish and murderous giant dino sharks.

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Modern-day speakeasies have always struggled with their identity. On the one hand, they're cool in a way only a dark room full of expensive liquor can be. On the other hand, they're some primo hipster bullshit where you pay $24 for the privilege of having your drink constructed with a mortar and pestle by a guy sporting sleeve tats and a waxed mustache.

Sorry, NYC Typhoid Morons, Go Drink At Home
You can really taste the gold sieve, though.

But we're sad to say that most guys' idea of a great third date location has finally lost any shred of cool left from its Prohibition days. This week, the New York Police Department shut down its first "illegal speakeasy" flaunting quarantine guidelines. The COVID Capone in question, a Vasil Pando, did so knowing he was violating the shutdown and has been arrested on several charges including operating an unlicensed bottle club, unauthorized bottling, illegal alcohol sale, promoting gambling, and unauthorized having the name of a Star Wars bounty hunter. All of which, once again, was considered a pretty rad way to stick it to the man until people started doing it to propagate the plague.

According to Vice, this isn't the only place in New York that's secretly still serving spirits to the kind of Typhoid Morons who won't let a pandemic get in the way of them having a good time. This is the same New York, by the by, that is the "worst-hit place" in all of America with 2,468 confirmed coronavirus deaths and counting. The same swinging metropolis that will run out of ventilators by the end of the week and has had to impose a $500 fine for people refusing to comply with social distancing. That city that never sleeps with a backup pandemic plan that involves handing convicts shovels and turn Hart Island into a mass grave.

That's a city whose people sure can use a drink or five, but preferably not from a glass lingering with the backwash of a dozen other pox-lipped assholes still calling coronavirus "the flu" and served by the kind of capitalist ghoul who had to find another racket when his online hand sanitizer price-gouging scheme was shut down.

For more weird tangents and vague Jimmy Cagney-isms, do follow Cedric on Twitter.

Top Image: Piqsels.com

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