The news is like a series of strangers saying, 'This milk is spoiled! Here, smell it! I SAID SMELL IT.'
The Foo Fighters best albums were all done using three band members. Can't be a coincidence.
The news is crafted specifically to cater to people who enjoy being angry and/or terrified.
Let's talk about why we're doomed, America!
How did Donald Trump do it, and why didn't any of the conventional political experts see it coming?
The news can seem like this is all an elaborate prank being played by a billionaire for his reality show.
We must say that the title 'God Melted Some Nazi Faces In Front Of Me' simply doesn't fit our journal's aesthetic.
Today's news is like a less plausible version of the wacky fake headlines from 1980s movies set in the future.
I have a feeling this won't be a popular column. Don't ask me why. Just a feeling, I suppose.
Just because it's no longer socially acceptable doesn't mean people don't still harbor some subconscious racist beliefs.
The news is like 'The Walking Dead,' only without that show's sense of naive optimism.
The Dark Ages earned that name at least in part because there's a noticeable lack of contemporary records, a trait eerily similar to our country today.
The news is like an alarm that sounds 24 hours a day, alternately screaming that you're going to die and that you need to ask your doctor about erectile dysfunction pills.