Cracked Archive - News

The news is like a series of strangers saying, 'This milk is spoiled! Here, smell it! I SAID SMELL IT.'

• By Ted E., T. S. Obiech, Scott Laffey
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• March 15, 2016

The Foo Fighters best albums were all done using three band members. Can't be a coincidence.

• By Adam Tod Brown
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• March 10, 2016

Donald Trump does not tell it like it is and does not say what people wish they could say. He says what people are entertained to hear.

• By Felix Clay
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• March 09, 2016

The news is crafted specifically to cater to people who enjoy being angry and/or terrified.

• By Ted E., T. S. Obiech, Scott Laffey
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• March 08, 2016

To do over again, sure, I probably wouldn't have helped Donald Trump run for president.

• By Daniel O'Brien
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• March 06, 2016

Let's talk about why we're doomed, America!

• By Adam Tod Brown
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• March 03, 2016

How did Donald Trump do it, and why didn't any of the conventional political experts see it coming?

• By Robert Evans
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• March 01, 2016

The news can seem like this is all an elaborate prank being played by a billionaire for his reality show.

• By Ted E., T. S. Obiech, Scott Laffey
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• March 01, 2016

We must say that the title 'God Melted Some Nazi Faces In Front Of Me' simply doesn't fit our journal's aesthetic.

• By J.F. Sargent
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• February 23, 2016

Today's news is like a less plausible version of the wacky fake headlines from 1980s movies set in the future.

• By Ted E., T. S. Obiech
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• February 23, 2016

I have a feeling this won't be a popular column. Don't ask me why. Just a feeling, I suppose.

• By Adam Tod Brown
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• February 18, 2016

Just because it's no longer socially acceptable doesn't mean people don't still harbor some subconscious racist beliefs.

• By Dennis Hong
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• February 17, 2016

The news is like 'The Walking Dead,' only without that show's sense of naive optimism.

• By Ted E., T. S. Obiech
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• February 16, 2016

The Dark Ages earned that name at least in part because there's a noticeable lack of contemporary records, a trait eerily similar to our country today.

• By Adam Tod Brown
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• February 11, 2016

The news is like an alarm that sounds 24 hours a day, alternately screaming that you're going to die and that you need to ask your doctor about erectile dysfunction pills.

• By Ted E., T. S. Obiech
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• February 09, 2016