NYPD Gets Weird Poops, Claims Shake Shack 'Poisoned' Them

Get over yourself: They’re conspiring to poison all of us.
NYPD Gets Weird Poops, Claims Shake Shack 'Poisoned' Them

When most of us indulge in a craving for fast food and find that it smells a little off, we generally attribute it to the fact that we're eating fast food. It takes a special kind of person to jump straight to "Shake Shack is conspiring to poison me." Like, get over yourself: They're conspiring to poison all of us. Just, you know, with corn syrup, not bleach.

Still, when three New York police officers stopped in for some eponymous shakes at the aforementioned shack and noticed a vague bleachy smell. They concluded not that the restaurant was testing some horrifically delicious new recipe, but that its employees were trying to murder them specifically and reported it to their superior. The smell. They reported a funny-smelling milkshake.

Granted, to say that things between the police and the public are kind of tense right now is like saying people who sing along with their iPods on the bus are kind of enraging, but Shake Shack isn't exactly ground zero of the revolution. Initially, the officers seemed to be vindicated in the worst possible way when they subsequently came down with some kind of vague illness, and we all know what that likely means: bad poopies. Having a zero-tolerance policy against tummy aches, the Police Benevolent Association (the only organization name more dubious than the Ministry of Truth) took to Twitter to j'accuse that insidious shack of shakes.

t2 NYC PBA Retweeted NYC PBA @NYCPBA.9 #BREAKING When NYC police PBA officers cannot even take meal without coming under attack, it is clear that envi

... which ended pretty badly for them when the suspiciously swift investigation revealed that security cameras clearly showed no employee tampering. The offending milkshakes were even tested in some kind of all-night CSI lab. It was suggested that perhaps the officers' illness was caused by improper cleaning of the machine. Anyone who's worked fast food knows just how plausible this possibility is (there's a reason the McFlurry machine is always "broken"), but no other customers at that Shake Shack got sick that night, so a specific kind of crampy hysteria seems equally likely. Their chief of detectives had to tweet a 4 am proclamation of Shake Shack's innocence, and everyone had to quietly walk their outrage back into the bilious pit from whence it came. The main takeaways from all this are that it's entirely feasible for the police to actually solve a serious crime in a single night when motivated, also, that the NYPD has never heard of lactose intolerance.

Top image: Shake Shack, AdmiralHalsey/Wiki Commons

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