Cracked Archive - Celebrities

4 Fan Fiction Excerpts from Celebrities

While scouring through the sexualized fanfic about Ziggy Stardust and pretending that each mention of Bowie was actually me, I discovered that a few famous people are actually writing their own fan fiction every day.

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When Is It Too Soon To Make Fun of a Tragedy?

Last week, on the day Amy Winehouse died, I sat down and wrote a eulogy that several people, including my wife and online employer, found unnecessarily ghoulish. And while it's true I thought it was amusing to quip that London officials had banned Amy's cremation for fear of a nation-wide contact high, I was pretty sure I wasn't the worst person in

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10 Stories About Donald Trump You Won't Believe Are True

He's made such a joke of himself in the process that it's easy to miss the immense balls required to do what he does in public, and get away with it. At a certain point, you have to take a step back and marvel at the rap-sheet of dick-headed insanity he's managed to put together.

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How to Act When You Meet a Celebrity [COMIC]

You're probably going to act like an asshole when you meet them. Just go wtih it.

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Why I'd Like to Fill the Oprah Shaped Hole in Your Life

I'd like to step in to the guidance vacuum left by Oprah when she disappeared. I freely admit that part of this decision comes from my deep concern for the physical and spiritual well being of my fellow man. I somewhat begrudgingly admit that I'm also interested in the billions of dollars Oprah made serving in this capacity.

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The Active Ingredients in Charlie Sheen

Charlie Sheen should not be snorted.

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Charlie Sheen's Guide to Mental Wellness

This book is for anyone who ever looked up at the stars late at night and asked the question: Headbutt?

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My Doomed Attempt to Woo Sandra Bullock

It's Valentine's Day, the first heartbeat of spring. I am a strong advocate of any holiday that puts pretense aside and encourages celebrators to trade pricey gifts for sexual favors. When affection can be measured in real currency, I always win because my love is deep and so are my pockets.

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Why Bill Murray Is The World's Greatest Mythological Figure

Bill Murray has become the urban equivalent of Bigfoot -- a mythical figure who generates sightings anywhere people are too drunk to totally trust their memory. Instead of being half-human, half-ape, Bill Murray exists somewhere between celebrities and the rest of us.

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50 Cent Attempts to Scam You On Twitter

Yeah, that was a bigger job than we thought. You gots to owe me $8200. Don't make me shoot U. You woudn't like me when I shoot you.

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Dear Gwyneth Paltrow: Understanding Why Everyone Hates You

You have taken some heat lately from the press for your website, for your spontaneous music career, and for just generally being you. I imagine your self-confidence is a little shaken and that you would gladly wish it all away, if only you knew how wishing for things worked.

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5 Reasons Anyone Could Defeat the CIA in the Bourne Trilogy

You can inject new life into virtually any film or franchise by watching it again, only this time rooting for the bad guys. Really think through the scenario from their angle, and try to break down how they go about taking on the hero. More often than not, you'll find yourself scratching your head, or outright screaming at the screen.

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