The Five Funniest Deaths in ‘Seinfeld’ History
Seinfeld isn’t exactly known for its contemplations on mortality — even though George can’t stop thinking about death, none of the central characters are really ready to face it. At the same time, a side character’s brush with the core four can prove fatal in some instances and catastrophic in most. As the infamous Seinfeld finale proved, proximity to Elaine, George, Kramer and Jerry is positively correlated with crappy outcomes for the average New Yorker
Though a certain on-screen death may be the most infamous, it’s more fun to rank the demise of side characters by their comedic qualities, so here are the five funniest deaths on Seinfeld, starting with…
Though the coroner report didn’t read “Died from pony put-downs,” Jerry feared that his and Elaine’s off-the-cuff cracks about hating every single kid who grew up with a pony may have pushed his family’s resident horse girl to her doom in “The Pony Remark.” The dubiously related Pole stormed out of a family dinner over the insults of her and her equine friends, never to be seen again — would it have behooved Jerry and Elaine to be nice to the ponies?
Truthfully, I can’t decide which is a more tragic outcome — Susan dying from glue poisoning after George cheaped out on wedding invitations, or Susan surviving to marry George as he rapidly devolves into both of his parents. In the end, Susan’s unceremonious ending may have been a mercy killing — both for the character and for Heidi Swedberg’s co-stars who never quite figured out how to riff with the love interest.
Now that the Eagles don’t hate each other as much, maybe they can write a song for the poor “Desperado” Brett who was bonked by Jerry’s backswing as he tried to free Kramer and his Japanese tenants from the chest of drawers turned into stacked coffins by the humidity of Kramer’s in-apartment hot tub. The real punchline of Brett’s passing is that he is implied to have died on the operating table because the surgeon got distracted by “Witchy Woman” after he refused to let Elaine make it their song.
Faking the death of a fake co-worker was one of Elaine’s all-time greatest bits. Susie may not have existed, but her death had enough of an impact on those around her that it led to J. Peterman starting a foundation in her name (with Elaine unwittingly volunteering her unpaid time to run the show) and it convinced Mike, Manhattan’s most inept bookie, that he swam with the wrong shark when he accepted a bet from Kramer on Jerry Seinfeld’s behalf. Little did Mike know that Jerry Seinfeld is no murderer, as the man couldn’t hurt a fly (or a bee).
The great karmic comedy of Jon Lovitz’ cameo appearance is that a man who gave George and Jerry so much grief over his cancer hoax died in a car wreck while adjusting the toupee he earned from his Munchausen scheme. Maybe Fogel was the real cancer, after all.