14 Tragically Funny Jokes About Breakups
Love hurts, or so the song says. You meet someone, you fall for them and then your heart suddenly gets its ass kicked so hard that it shits itself and throws up. Breakups are terrible to go through, and yet, the best medicine isn’t always a rebound relationship — it’s laughing at your pain.
Here are some of the funniest jokes, scenes, sketches and other bits about getting your heart broken…
Jonah Ray Finds Out Women Prepare for a Breakup
“Girls gear up for a breakup. The amount of time a breakup happens for a girl or a guy is the same amount, but it happens three months before the guy knows what’s going on. If you’re with a girl and she’s crying randomly, she’s going through a breakup. I know you’re together, but she’s going through a breakup right now.”
Lisa Destroys Ralph
The Simpsons shows the technological advances at capturing the exact moment your heart breaks.
George Civeris on His Recent (?) Breakup
“I just got out of a really long relationship — It was over a year ago, but I haven’t matured. We were in a long-distance relationship — emotional distance, we actually lived together. But when you go through a breakup, you have all these intrusive thoughts that you can’t control, your brain is doing its own thing. Has anyone here experienced intimacy? So I would just wake up every day and have all of these unwanted thoughts, like ‘I have to get a wrist tattoo that says BREATHE.’”
George’s Preemptive Dumping
On Seinfeld, George pines over the lack of power in a failing relationship with a woman he doesn’t want to break up with until Kramer offers him a game-changing solution: attempt to break up with her first.
Taylor Tomlinson Unfollows Her Exes
“I have to unfollow exes after we break up. My friend is still following an ex-boyfriend because they’re on good terms, and he just posted a picture of him and his new girlfriend. She called me crying, and she’s like, ‘It’s just hard, you know? Is it crazy that I’m upset like that?’ I’m like, ‘Are you kidding me? No, I get pissed when my ex posts a picture of him in a new shirt.’ I’m like, ‘OH, YOU’RE A BUTTON-UP GUY NOW? JUST KEEPING THAT IN YOUR BACK POCKET, JUST WAITING UNTIL I WAS GONE TO SLIP INTO THAT SHIT.’”
Bobby Hill’s Yearning for Connie
Shortly after they split on King of the Hill, Bobby still had feelings for his ex-girlfriend and expressed them in the most dignified manner possible on an animated comedy show.
Mekki Leeper Reads His Ex’s Food Blog
Since he’s blocked on all of her other social channels, the only updates Leeper can get is from his ex’s food blog. While she doesn’t post pics, Leeper plays culinary detective to see her relationship status via whether the recipe is carb-heavy and if it could serve two people.
Where in the World Is Your Dignity?
When you’re the host of Where in Time/World/Etc. Is Carmen Sandiego?, your breakups can get pretty messy. Robot Chicken knows this. Somehow.
Saturday Night Live knows that if you’re going to break up with someone, you should know their phone number.
Iliza Shlesinger’s Perfect Split
Shlesinger provides the perfect method to dump a boyfriend, provided you haven’t plucked out all your nose hairs.
‘Family Guy’s Breakup Rodeo Clown
Peter Griffin was always a clown, but at least he’s a clown that helps people!
Leslie Jones’ Booty Call Breakup
“I just broke up with somebody. Well, it wasn’t really a breakup; it was a booty call I might have took too serious. That shit happens sometimes. You can’t fuck me more than one time and not be my man. We’re on a schedule! I don’t care if you don’t love me, I! Love! You! It’s going to work out! So now the booty call has turned into a police call.”
Jack Whitehall’s Very British Breakup
“I’m not equipped for a breakup emotionally because I’m a product of the British public system. If a relationship broke down in a boarding school, you weren’t encouraged to talk about it. Mainly because a lot of those teachers could have lost their jobs.”
Sam Morril’s Split/Reunion/Split Again Analogy
“I had another breakup. She broke up with me, then asked me to take her back, and then, curveball, broke up with me again. That kind of feels like you’re in a plane that’s going down, and then somehow you land safely, then you die in the cab ride home.”