Emergency calls, and the police responses to them, are fraught with urgency and despair. This is not usually good fodder for comedy. Well, except for the times when the call not only turns out to be a false alarm, but also winds up being goofier than a Reno 911 episode. For example ...
Police in Sydney, Australia rushed to the scene of a domestic violence call after neighbors reported hearing a woman screaming, a man yelling "I'm going to kill you," and "You're dead," then the sound of furniture being thrown. When they arrived, they found one guy standing there alone, looking a little out of breath.
Police pressed the man for his wife's whereabouts, but he kept insisting he wasn't married, and that there was no one else in the house except for one other individual: the spider he'd been yelling at. Police searched the house and confirmed that the guy had been screaming death threats at a spider -- "a really big one," they agreed -- which he then chased around the apartment with bug spray, knocking over enough furniture to convince everyone that a life-or-death situation was occurring.
When the cops asked the man about the woman screaming, he replied, "Yeah sorry, that was me. I really, really hate spiders."
A man in the southwestern German town of Neustadt called police after witnessing a partially nude woman being tied up by two masked men. What demonry was this?? Could an actual satanic blood sacrifice be taking place in this lady's quaint suburban home? W-what if the local magistrate is part of this underground sex cult, and the cops are gonna arrest the whistleblower, then murder him in a snuff film that no one would ever believe is real???
Wait, never mind. The woman had consented to a sexual bondage act, and she and her male partners greeted the cops in a "well and good mood," which is police code for "with raging-hard pain boners." Everything was aboveboard and legal.
The German police, living up to their reputation as wacky jokesters, dubbed their press release "Fifty Shades of Neustadt," and added that they "politely declined" the trio's offer to join in the sex act. Two masked guys and two uniformed officers just adds too many complications to the role play. It's tough to get off when you're trying to keep the plot straight.
A UPS Driver called the police after hearing someone repeatedly crying out "Help me!" in an Oregon home where he was making a delivery. The cops arrived and found the victim: a parrot named Diego.
The situation was resolved harmlessly, but why exactly did this parrot keep yelling for help? The owner explained that he meows like a cat, barks like a dog, and "says a few things, he's very personable." Well that clears it up. The bird simply repeats some phrases that it's heard often enough to internalize, and one of those phrases is "Help me." What's even slightly weird about that??
A woman in Bryant, Arkansas called the police when she saw a dead tiger on the side of the road. She took pictures of the animal, but was afraid to approach it, lest it spring back to life and tiger her face up. Officers found that the tiger was indeed lifeless, and also was a stuffed animal. Turns out there are not many tigers are roaming the jungles of Bryant, Arkansas. Though we know that the second we said that, somebody there was mauled by a tiger just to spite us.
Police in suburban Detroit responded to a call about a woman yelling "Stop! No!" at someone in her apartment, followed by "a repeated loud noise" between shouts. When they arrived on the scene, the woman was indeed yelling "Stop!" at her boyfriend, but she didn't appear to be in danger, and no physical altercation was occurring. But they figured out what that intermittent noise was the second they walked through the door.
The officer explained, with impressive professional restraint, that "the female that was inside stated that her boyfriend had continued to pass gas, and she was yelling at him to stop." As a joke, the officers pretended to leave the scene as fast as possible, showing off the comedy chops they'd sharpened in their mandatory law enforcement improv workshops.
Lisa F. Young/Adobe Stock
The perpetrator was given the mandatory sentence: a lifetime of fart puns lobbed from everyone he'll ever know until the end of time.
Pssst we know you want a life-size stuffed tiger too.
Support your favorite Cracked writers with a visit to our Contribution Page. Please and thank you.
Also, we'd love to know more about you and your interesting lives, dear readers. If you spend your days doing cool stuff, drop us a line at iDoCoolStuff at Cracked dot com, and maybe we can share your story with the entire internet.
Follow us on Facebook. Because why not?