A Compelling New Reason Not to Give Guns to Teachers

The idea of arming teachers to combat our epidemic of school shootings is a desperate Hail Mary that’s unlikely to move the needle. You want to equip teachers with the very cause of the crisis? Okay, give every teacher in the country a pack of condoms — did you prevent teen pregnancy? (If so, we’ve got a whole new set of problems on our hands.)

The point is, we already ask way too much of our teachers. We make them eat “lunch” at 10:45 a.m., every day, and then demand that they act as instructor, mediator and mommy. We can’t toss the constant threat of a high-stakes escort mission on top of that pile.

But comedian Neko White poses a compelling new consideration: What about the teacher who’s really into it?

White performed at last month’s Cracked Live event in Brooklyn, and covered everything from Millennials catching strays in the generation wars to the plight of the last remaining Black grocery mascot. Most poignantly, he explained why giving guns to teachers is an objectively horrible idea. Watch his set right here, and if you’re still holding out hope that arming teachers is the answer, we’ve got three important questions below for your consideration.

First: Are they not teaching about Chekhov’s gun in schools anymore? 

If you introduce a gun, it’s going to get used. Even the most patient, optimistic teacher will eventually run out of stern heart-to-hearts and “teachable moments.” Right now, their last resort is hurling a chalkboard eraser across the room, and it’s probably best if it stays that way. In White’s words: “I went to school in the Bronx. Do you know how many of my classmates would’ve gotten popped?”

Second: What kind of person would be able to thrive in that environment? 

Even the best Master of Education programs include very little target acquisition training in their curriculum, and hardly any infiltration tactics. If you’re already good at this stuff, you’ve got a dark past and probably shouldn’t be spending a ton of time around kids. And if you aspire to be good at this stuff? Maybe you’re in the wrong profession. As White puts it, “I don’t know if I want a teacher who can murder somebody, in front of a class of children, then cut right back to math.”

Third: What does it mean to be a “good” teacher in this new scholastic dystopia? 

When the principal comes sauntering into class, keys a-jangling, and sits pointedly in the back of the room, what are they looking for? Subject proficiency? Time management? Body count? White imagines this exchange after a parent-teacher conference:

“Why your teacher got three teardrops tattooed on her face?”

“She’s good at her job, dad, I don’t know what to tell you.”

Watch White’s entire set right here, or above. And if you’re in New York, come to the next Cracked Live on September 20th at The Cutting Room.