18 Jokes for the Hall of Fame, September 19, 2023

‘Went to the rollercoaster, used my fast pass, and realized I enjoyed the cutting way more than the stupid rides’
18 Jokes for the Hall of Fame, September 19, 2023

Pigs are smarter than bears. That’s just a fact; no need to put your animal preferences on display here. However, which animal is funnier? Both can be kinda funny since they’re pretty funny-looking. And while a pig has more intellect to possibly tell a joke, a bear can ride a tiny bicycle. But come to think of it, is that actually funny? Well, in any case, these jokes are funny.

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Kyle Kinane on Tornadoes

“Tornadoes are the dickheads of natural disasters because they’re so personal. Blizzard? Hits everybody. Earthquake? Hits everybody. Tornado? Maybe just Jeff’s house. How do you not take that personal if you’re Jeff? ‘Oh, what’s that, Dave? Your house is okay? Alright, cool! Trish? Your place is fine? Good looking! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS, THEN? Oh, what’s that? Oh, you want me to talk to your insurance, Trish, cause my dog scratched your car when it hit it at 90 miles an hour? Oh, you think that could be filed under an act of God claim? WHAT GOD, TRISH? WHAT FUCKING GOD?’”

Sarah Silverman on Sports

“I learned that people in wheelchairs are allowed to have marathons, which, to me, seems like cheating, but what are you gonna say?”

D.L. Hughley on Self-Paranoia

“Did you ever have the police follow you for so long that you get suspicious about your own goddamn self? ‘Maybe I did kill them people.’”

Garry Shandling on His Penis

“I went to my doctor and told him, ‘My penis is burning.’ He said, ‘That means somebody is talking about it.’”

Kevin James on Thanksgiving

“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.”

Patton Oswalt on Obituaries

“In the obituaries, no one ever dies of cancer. People always ‘give in after a valiant battle with cancer,’ or ‘they throw in the towel after a courageous fight,’ which, statistically, can’t be possible. There had to be a couple of cowardly ordeals in there. Like, ‘Bob Smith died today after a craven, cowardly ordeal with cancer, during which he wished the disease on his family and friends in an attempted pact with Satan, which left his basement covered in goat’s blood and four boxes of chalk needlessly wasted trying to summon a demon who never appeared. A few mourners who showed up at his funeral had a hard time not giggling. Good riddance.’”

Taylor Tomlinson on Marriage

“I’m not saying I don’t want to get married. I do; I just know I’m not ready yet. Sometimes, I think I’m ready; I see the posts, and I feel the emptiness, and I want to get married. But then I eat bread, and I feel so much better.”

Joe Machi on Theme Parks

“Went to the rollercoaster, used my fast pass, and realized I enjoyed the cutting way more than the stupid rides.”

Tig Notaro on Politics

“I’m not the most politically active person, but I’m trying to get better about that. What I’ve been doing is just showing up to any given rally and marching with a sign that just says, ‘Yeah, totally.’ You have to start somewhere. Just gotta ease in.”

Norm Macdonald on Quitting Smoking

“I went to a hypnotist. He put me under a spell, and every time I had a craving for a cigarette, I would throw up. It’s very embarrassing right after sex. I find it pretty hard to get that second date after that. Girls get all snobby after you barf on them.”

Margaret Cho on George W. Bush

“George Bush isn’t Hitler. He could be if he applied himself.”

Drew Lynch on Why You Shouldn’t Bully

“It just goes to show why you don’t bully people. You never know who’s a cannibal. Because every day, dudes going to school with him are going, ‘Hey, Dahmer! Eat a bag of dicks!’ And he took that personally.”

Jay Pharoah on Associate Degrees

“An associate degree is basically like a college saying, ‘Yeah, we associate with you, but we just don’t fuck with you.’”

Jen Kirkman on Fingering

“I love fingering; it’s not just for kids. It’s like sugar cereal; adults can enjoy it, too.”

Anthony Jeselnik on Porn

“I found my dad’s porn in the back of the attic. That was a great day. But the worst day of my life was when I found my mom’s porn — in the back of the video store.”

Nikki Glaser on Euphemisms

“I remember once this guy was giving me a really good Rogering, and at some point — Yeah, I’m bringing that back. It sounds classy, right? ‘A good Rogering...’ It sounds like he courted me or something. He didn’t. It sounds like I knew his name — and it wasn’t Roger. No, it was Phil, but saying he gave me a good filling doesn’t have quite the connotation that I’d like. Rogering, meanwhile, sounds nice. Because that’s the thing, girls, we can’t be, ‘I got fucked!’ We have to come up with euphemisms. My least favorite of which is ‘fooled around.’ Let’s stop saying that. My friend one day was like, ‘Josh and I? We just fooled around.’ I’m like, ‘Ugh, what did he, like, get your nose? Did you guys get in a tickle fight? Did he pull a quarter out of your vagina at some point? Oh, he did? Okay, I’d call that fooling around.’”

Billy Connolly on ‘The Simpsons’

“A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. ‘Can you describe the symptoms to me?’ ‘Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard, and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair!’”

Wanda Sykes on Free Drinks

“Guys don’t buy you free drinks like they used to. Remember the good old days? You’d go to your local bar, and the bartender would come over and say, ‘Excuse me, ma’am, the gentleman way over there in the corner, he would like to buy you a drink.’

“You would say, ‘Okay, thank you. Beautiful,’ you would get your drink, and then the greatest thing of all: He would keep his ass way over there in the corner and leave you the hell alone.”

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