All the Penises in Modern Art Are Too Huge, Says Science

The one place you can see a penis of any shape, size or level of flaccidness without getting upset should be the fine-art world. In fact, it may be the only environment where you can look a painted member in the eye, tilt your head and say, “I don’t get it,” only to walk away seemingly smarter. 

Yet, these days, even the art world has fallen victim to the influence of enormous dongs. 

A new study, “Depictions of Penises in Historical Paintings Reflect Changing Perceptions of the Ideal Penis Size,” analyzed paintings from the Renaissance Period, Baroque-Rococo and Impressionism Period and the Contemporary Art Period, roughly spanning the 15th century all the way to the 21st century. After excluding adolescents, cherubs and erections, their sample size included 160 paintings of flaccid, adult schlongs.

The results revealed that “the size of the penis has gradually increased throughout the past seven centuries, and especially after the 20th century.” “This observation illustrates the changing sociocultural inputs into male body image and emphasizes the need for improved understanding of the sociocultural factors associated with the perception of penis size in men,” the researchers concluded.

As for the size of the art dicks, oddly enough, the researchers didn’t track it in inches or centimeters; instead, they relied on measurements known as the penis-depiction ratio or PDR, based on either penile length to ear length or penile length to nose length. That said, past data indicates that the average flaccid penis is a humble 3.61 inches long and 3.66 inches in girth, compared to 5.16 inches long and 4.59 inches in girth for an erect one, compared to the standard porn penis, which is closer to 8 inches in length and 5 inches in girth. 

Modern art should probably calm down and follow the less-endowed lead of sculptures like Michelangelo’s “David,” but it might also help stop the dick-measuring contest in general and focus on what really matters — the distance between your penis and your ear and nose.