5 Bears Funnier Than ‘Cocaine Bear’

Cocaine Bear, Cocaine Bear, Cocaine Bear! Enough already with everyone talking about how funny Cocaine Bear looks. Sure, there’s something inherently comedic about a black bear on blow, a furry Tony Montana transforming a national park into his own Little Havana. But let’s not let recency bias influence our thinking here. While Elizabeth Banks’ comedy thriller will no doubt inspire some adrenaline-fueled laughs, the actual Cocaine Bear has a long way to go before breaking into the pantheon of all-time funny bears.

Heck, Yogi and Kung Fu Panda didn’t even make our top-five list, and those guys are a riot! Speaking of which, here is our definitive rundown of bears way more hilarious than Cocaine Bear…

1 Archie from ‘Dr. Dolittle 2’

You think it’s funny when a bear snorts a big brick of Florida snow? Get a load of what happens when its cousin snorfs down a gallon of Ben & Jerry’s.

Thanks to the half-stoned voicework of sleepy Steve Zahn, who also goofed with Eddie Murphy in Daddy Day Care, Archie takes his rightful place on this list. He’s almost as funny as whoever titled this YouTube video “Brown Bear Has Loose Bowels After Eating Ice Cream, Men Can't Stand Its Fart.”

2 Fozzie Bear

To be fair to Cocaine Bear, Fozzie is a professional comedian. It really can’t be expected to zing snappy patter as well as a Muppet trained in the vaudeville arts.

Cocaine Bear doesn’t even have its own catchphrase. Sure, it’s trying to make “raaaaaawwwwrrrr!” happen, but it lacks the comic lyricism of “Wocka wocka!”

3 Masturbating Bear

Whether it’s a random Tuesday or the most wonderful time of the year, Masturbating Bear always finds a way to spread cheer.

Once a Conan staple, Masturbating Bear is now retired with a wife and two children in the New York suburbs. But his comedy legacy remains. When it comes to funny, oversized bear genitalia beats sniffing c dust every time.

4 Ted

If it’s been a minute since you’ve watched Ted, here’s a reminder of all the nonsense Seth MacFarlane was able to get away with in 2012:

You know a bear is funny when you’re considering keeping him as your roommate instead of Mila Kunis. While the bong-huffing teddy bear could likely relate to Cocaine Bear’s substance abuse issues, Ted’s filthy-mouthed, dry-humping antics make him a clear winner in the comedy department.